Relationship Roles: The Damsel and the Hero

Have you ever heard a woman say: "he rescued me from a bad relationship?" Before I start this piece, know that I am not advocating super independence, as many feminists have suggested. This feminist strategy is a ploy with dire consequences for both men and women. But, that is for a different article. What is most distressing is the role of the comfortable victim that women often seem to play. I use the word, "Comfortable," because they seem to be quite satisfied with their role and never seek to move outside of its boundaries. All too often, I have seen women who are perpetual victims of bad relationships and even worse, their own bad choices. They look for a superman to save them from financial and relational distress. There is a multitude of problems with this scenario.

I have too many friends who are quite comfortable playing the victim. They enter relationships continuously where they are a victim of some disaster. Most people would ask why women might want to play the victim. I must admit that I have found men who also are beginning to play this role, as a "nice guy who seems to always find witches for relationships."
For women, it is a desire not to have to take responsibility for their own decisions. This learned helplessness transmits to no actual decision making
ability and no way for a woman to analyze her own behavioral patterns and take the consequences for her actions. When that same woman feels secure, she, then, might even seek the kind of relationship that left her a victim and is unhealthy for her. After all, she can enjoy the fun of that relationship and then find another hero to rescue her from "The bad boy," and his cunning ways.

First, women engage in destructive relationships. They enjoy the excitement and reckless carefree atmosphere. Eventually, however, women often find themselves in a situation where they are taken advantage of, disrespected and in many cases, abused. I am not blaming the women for these men's actions. I am not absolving these men from their bad behavior. But, you must wonder exactly what steps the women have taken to extricate themselves from this toxic relationship. In many cases, they have done little more than cry and bat a few eyelashes. women seek to be rescued from these horrifying relationships which have left them financially incompetent, emotionally vulnerable and physically exhausted. Women look for a man who can give them financial and emotional stability while tending to their physical needs. It plays into the myth that a "man" is all women need to be secure and happy. This is an awesome and burdensome responsibility for the male.

the man validates her importance by meeting these needs. The relationship, from the very outset, is lopsided. The man is expected to do everything in his power to support the woman. All she must do, in return, is to stroke his ego and inflate his pride. The bond that holds these two together centers on her helplessness and need and his pride and ability to give her everything that she needs.

There is no love in this relationship. The key emotions are distress and gratitude from the woman and pity and pride from the man. Since their bond rests on her need, they have no commonalities outside of this sphere. Furthermore, since the roles in the relationship have been established, it is difficult to live outside those roles. The entire reason and existence for the relationship rests on this one situation and in order for this kind of relationship to survive, the two must continue their roles of helplessness and hero.

Men can not display any of their weaknesses or vulnerabilities. Women can not exude too much confidence or independence. If a woman shows confidence, she must always give the man the gratitude and glory for achieving it. The man is seen as weak if he either exhibits a fear or is no longer needed to rescue the woman.

Understanding this, the women never move to a responsible frame of mind. They never examine their own decisions. They are totally oblivious to any preventative measures that they might be able to take so that they are no longer victims. In fact, even if they wanted to assume such responsibility, the male's fear of not being needed would prevent him from supporting her. Males in this type of relationship feel a certain superiority and power over the women. After all, they are the saviors and the women are the damsels in need of saving. The women never get to display any of their positive characteristics. The women present the opportunity for the men to display their strength, intellect and perseverance. While the men might become weary of the female's indecisiveness and his constant responsibility to fill her needs, he is reluctant to change because it might mean that he is no longer needed and accepted by the woman. while the woman may resent his control, she is reluctant to change because it would mean finding solutions to her own problems and taking responsibility for her choices and actions. Yet, neither of them are fulfilled(personally or relationally) and need much drama to live out their ascribed roles. This also leaves the man no room for true emotional intimacy and the woman does not develop her strength and ability to comfort.

Inevitably, the relationship disintegrates. Eventually, the victim is no longer a victim and there is not a situation to rescue the damsel from. One of two things will happen.

1. one partner will tire of these roles and attempt to break out of this role with little success in the current relationship. They might find that they have little in common outside of the initial rescue.

2. One or both partners only feel comfortable when acting in these roles. for this reason, the male must find a new partner to rescue. Similarly, the woman must put herself into a situation where she needs rescuing.

Although this relationship and its roles do meet a basic need for both partners, it soon is destroyed because there is no compatibility, commitment, companionship or passion that will assist in a cohesive connection. For this reason, it is important that we examine ourselves and our motives. Self examination will save you from more heart ache than a hero ever could and make you feel stronger and more virile than a damsel in distress.