Relationship Roles: The Nice Guy

I realize that some women want a "bad boy" for a variety of reasons. What about those "nice guys." Are they getting the shaft? I will discuss more about women's choices for the bad boy in another article. In fact, if you look on Associated Content, there are some who have already explored this avenue. For this article, however, I want to focus on the "nice guy." There are questions that need to be asked in deciding whether the "nice guy," is the victim of irresponsible female behavior or exhibits his own irresponsible behavior.
It is important to examine the typical "nice guy" to understand his actions.

1 Are they really as "nice," as they appear to be? Furthermore, what is the motivation of this niceness? 2. do they habitually have bad luck with women? I often hear the "nice guys" lamenting about those players and bad boys who get all of the women. their flaw is only that they are just "too nice," and somehow women aren't attracted to them. they have no clue why because the nice guys usually give the women everything that they desire.

First, I need to vehemently state that not all "nice guys," are like this. This article is specifically about "nice Guys," who continuously get themselves into relationships with women who, for some odd reason, either abandon or take advantage of them. The "Nice Guys" usually admit that they stayed in the relationship too long. They justify their stance by claiming that they are just "too nice" and did not know how to end the relationship. or, maybe they felt sympathy for the woman or thought that with time, his efforts would finally pay off.

Eventually, the authentic "nice guy," must do a bit of self evaluation and decide whether he has contributed to the relationships that have left him so heartbroken. These "nice guys" wonder why women don't want a long term relationship with them.

Let's look at the "nice guy." He is usually a calm person with goals for his life and maybe he has some ambition. Not only does he want to be "nice," because it is a positive characteristic, but he also wants the world to like him. He is not a rule breaker. He is sensible and secure. He is compassionate. So, he makes his attempts to be kind, generous and loving to others. this, in itself is not horrible. In fact, it is quite commendable, considering all of the selfish narcissistic people that are in the world. But, if this is all to the nice guy, then, why isn't he enjoying the exciting world of dating? Why is he feeling gypped by women who would rather date thrill seeking players?

some of the answer lies in himself. Usually the nice guy has had a string of women who have taken advantage of him. Somehow, these "nice guys," seem to choose women who either are or have been in destructive relationships. they hope that they can shower their compassion and gifts onto this woman and she will feel so much gratitude that it will turn into love. The "Nice Guy" believes that she will have an epiphany of sorts after dating him and the woman will automatically fall into his arms.

First, gratitude never turns into love... ... unless you are a character in a movie. And, second, unless these women do lots of reflecting, they don't even know what had attracted them to the last guy, much less why you are different. They go through cycles of desiring a thrill seeking carefree guy to one who is secure and responsible. when they get their need met for security and comfort, they are dissatisfied again and look for the spontaneity and fun of the "bad boy." This is a simple answer which could be explored more in depth, but the bottom line is that these women don't understand themselves to know why they chose the "Bad Boy" in the first place, thus, will probably return to him for some type of need or desire to be met.

what might attract a nice guy to this kind of woman? Think about it, how many times do you hear about a "nice guy," who has met and married a "nice girl?" You don't. The "nice guy," does want a challenge of sorts. And, he does have a need to be validated; not on his fun loving nature, not on his rebelliousness, but on his "niceness."

There is another thing that is inherently wrong with the "nice guy." His motivation is not to be generous, but to be liked. This is why it is hard for him to say "no," to "anyone." Certainly, he may be kind and giving to you. But, he may also be kind and sympathetic to his last girlfriend who, by the way, took advantage of him and left his heart and pocket empty. He can't say "no" to his cousin who needs $1000 to gamble on the latest horse. He can't say "no" to his boss who asks him to work over on his anniversary. He can't say "no" to his friend who asks to borrow his car, even when it might prevent him from going somewhere. He can't say "no" to anyone because he is afraid of hurting their feelings. He says: "I guess I just have a big heart." But, what he really means is: "I guess I just have a small sense of self worth." He is ruled by his fear of being disliked. He is forever living in his emotions of fear and pity. People know how to manipulate him to get what they want and although he might realize that he is being manipulated, he makes no attempt to change the situation. Doing so would take him out of his comfort zone and his status as a "nice guy" may be in danger according to his family and friends. I am certainly not advocating selfishness. Of course, there are times that you should be kind and generous to others. However, there are also times when it is perfectly alright to say "no." And, saying "yes," because you can't bring yourself to say "no," is different from saying "yes," because you feel a desire to do so. Not allowing yourself to be manipulated is not selfish it is emotionally healthy behavior.

In some ways, the "nice guy," and the "Bad Boy," are quite alike. Both of them are acting in ways that they are hoping will give them the most attention. Neither have pure motives. Neither have a healthy concept of boundaries. The antisocial "bad boy" does not care about boundaries and the avoidant "nice guy" doesn't know how to set them. The "bad boy" manipulates and the "nice guy" continues to be manipulated. Neither have a good understanding about their own emotional and spiritual well being. The "Bad boy" does not care how his actions will affect others and the "nice guy" passively conceals the effect that others' actions have on him. Both will date the same type of girls for different reasons. Neither will date a confident emotionally healthy and spiritually aware woman. The "bad boy" can't manipulate her and the "nice guy" can't amaze her with his generosity and compassion. Since she won't date the "bad boy" in the first place, the "Nice guy" won't look as benevolent.

I hope that this has shed some light on the "nice guy." If you are someone who has considered yourself as a "nice guy," I urge you to examine yourself. When you are authentic with yourself and are exhibiting emotionally healthy behaviors, women will find you more attractive. However, the type of woman that you will want to date will probably change, also. This will, inevitably be for the better.