Relationship Roles: The Other in a Cheating Relationship

Relationships are always hot topics. There is a lot of discussion about this Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man book written by Steve Harvey. Some people take issue with the statements made by Steve Harvey that elude to a man's determined sexual drive. This man wants sex often and from whomever he can get it. I will leave it to men to disprove Steve Harvey. Please men, step up and be counted! Steve Harvey reports that the reason that a man cheats is that he is not getting what he needs in his current relationship. A simple search on the internet will yield proclamations that Steve is correct and many suggestions on how to keep your partner happy so that they do not cheat. I will note here that most of the suggestions are for women and most of the cheaters are said to be men. I disagree with Steve's statement for many reasons. 1. it does not address why women cheat. and 2. it puts the responsibility for the man's cheating behavior onto his partner. But, there have already been articles written about this subject.

I began to think about the mister or mistress in this situation. There are two types of cheating accomplices in these situations. Both eventually know that they are the "other." Both decide to continue the relationship regardless of their status. However, there are some differences.

The first is the person who does not hold monogamy in high regard and is looking for physical satisfaction only. This person might also be cheating. Many times, a cheater cheats with a cheater or a person who has little regard for monogamy. while a cheater does not want to be in a public relationship with a cheater(which proves that they believe that cheating is wrong), they will discretely cheat with a cheater. They know that the cheater will be as emotionally unavailable as they are. They know that the cheater will understand their inconsistencies and their need to be discrete. As long as emotions do not get involved, it is the perfect situation. In this situation, though, usually if one cheater gets caught, that ensures that the other cheater's partner will also be notified. The other person who is cheating with the cheater is well aware of the situation and condones the cheating. In this type of relationship, (whether the other is a cheater or not) both have learned to separate their physical from their emotional selves.

The other is the mister or mistress. He/she is the person who believes that the cheater will change. this person believes that with the right love and affection, under the optimum circumstances, given the perfect situation, the cheater will leave his current partner and engage in a monogamous relationship with him/her. Usually the cheater displays a side of him/her who is quite attractive. This challenge of seducing the other and being in a new relationship is captivating for the cheater. Thus, of course, the cheater is going to experience long forgotten emotions and sensations. The other will feel the euphoria of a new relationship blossoming. The two experience all of the excitement of a developing connection. The mister or mistress is always in competition with the cheater's partner. He or she wants to ensure the cheater that they, themselves and the situations that arise in their relationship will be quite different than the reality of their current relationship. In this way, the mister or mistress can continue to live in the fantasy that the relationship that they have with the cheater is authentic and stronger than the relationship that the cheater has with his/her partner. The mister or mistress believes that it is the partner's fault that the cheater is cheating. Additionally, he/she believes that he/she has the ability to modify a cheater's desire and behavior. The mister or mistress has a fantasy of the entire relationship.

I find it strange that the mister or mistress empathizes with the cheater, yet has no empathy for the no cheating partner. The other does not see any similarities between her/himself and the current partner. This myopic view of the cheater and the relationship stunts its development. While the level of discretion practiced might at first seem exhilarating, it soon turns to tedium. The relationship cannot grow because it cannot be subject to family/friend scrutiny, become mundane or allow each person to look at the other honestly. The mister or mistress is always dreaming of a better day when their relationship will be different. While the mister or mistress is always trying to prove that he/she has no similarities to the partner; the cheater is trying to walk that fine line between keeping the dream alive and keeping the relationship concealed.

Both the partner and the other are missing key ingredients to make their relationships healthy. This is because the cheater is dividing his/her time, finances(most often), physical self and (both believe) her/his emotional self between the two. Many times the other is involved in another relationship to try and compensate for the weaknesses of the first. Thus, the cycle continues. On the off chance that the other actually does become the partner, statistics show that for the cheater, there is always an "other." I suppose that the mister or mistress knows what he/she is getting into by involving him/herself with a cheater.