Relationship Tips for Creative People and Those Who Love Them

Long-lasting loves and unrequited passions are one of the major inspirations of writers, musicians and artists. The audiences these creative types seek respond to love-related themes. Who can't recall cheering when the geeky hero of the story overcomes all odds and gets the girl? What couple hasn't turned to one another and said "hey, that's our song" at some point?

Yes, love and creativity are often partners.

The irony is that the creative individuals who peck at the keyboards or scribble the songs that inspire us can often be a royal pain in the butt to love.

I know this because I am one, or at least I hope I am. Writing is my passion, and I can't imagine my life without it. I cram it into my busy life in spite of a full-time job and social obligations. I neglect mundane chores to make time for it. When I'm "in a zone" an entire day can slip by where I don't eat, sleep or take a phone call, let alone think to throw in a load of laundry. When writer's block hits, or my job becomes so demanding that I have nothing left over for my stories, I become like a rat in a cage - bitter, frustrated and irritable.

My writing is part of who I am. But I realize it can make me, at times, a difficult person to have as a romantic partner. My experience with other creative types and their partners, especially when both have an artistic passion, leads me to believe this is somewhat universal.

So, when you're an artist in love, or a person in love with an artist, or both, how do you make your "other" passion an inspiring part of your relationship rather than a drain on it?

Have a Workspace

Every artist needs a place to create, a safe and inspiring nook where their imagination can run wild. But the reality is that not all of us can afford a studio, or a home that lends itself to escaping from everyone, even those we love, when we need to disappear inside our own heads.

If you're a writer, create a small corner, even if it is just a cubby in your spare bedroom, basement or attic, where you can escape to write. If this isn't possible, get a laptop and hunt down your solitude. You need your space, and your partner should be able to move about the house without you complaining that his or her activities are "distracting." If your passion is music, you'll need to build a place to make it. Your partner may love hearing you strum your guitar as she's making dinner, but it'll drive her insane when she's trying to watch a movie or talk on the phone.

Respect Each Other's Privacy

If the love of your life is a musician, he may disappear to the basement or the garage for hours on end, lost in what could become a new song. If she's a writer, she may let the occasional weekend go by where she does little more than peck at her keyboard (and swear now and then).

Some of us are fine with sharing our creations in the early stages. You can snuggle up behind a writer who doesn't mind you seeing her short story in its infancy and look over her shoulder as she types, and she'll lean up and give you a kiss. But others guard their work closely in its early stages, and will be more likely to bite your head off or develop a serious case of writer's block and blame you for it.

Don't take it personally if your significant other seems uncomfortable or downright unwilling to share a piece of writing, art or music in its early stages. Some artists, particularly introverted ones, need to let their creations incubate for a while before they're willing to put them out in the world - even the little part of the world they consider their haven. This is nothing against you or a reflection on your relationship. If you respect the privacy of the artist you love, they'll most likely be more willing to share things with you in the "production" stages.

Don't Expect Your Significant Other to Be Enthralled With Your Passion

As a writer, I can't imagine not being thrilled by a great book. I get captivated by the writing of others, and obsessed with my own characters as I'm building them. Sometimes, I want to hide my work away until I feel it is ready to be seen. Other times, I want to throw it out into the world. When I'm in the "sharing" stage, some part of me expects the people who love me to love my creations too.

My boyfriend is a musician. He can listen to a song he loves over and over again, for days on end, picking it apart and figuring it out. When he's got a song of his own making in his head, he'll drum it out on the dinner table or sound it out in the grocery store. I'm usually eager to hear his songs being born, or listen with him to the music of some other artist who is his inspiration of the moment. But after the fifth time or so, I've had enough for a while. When I'm craving quiet, I want the music turned off.

I can't always march to his beat, any more than he can dive into my characters or discuss a new literary find of mine for hours on end. We can appreciate each other's obsessions, but we can't always feel them, or entirely relate.

If you're an artist, you can't expect your significant other to be as excited about your passion as you are. You should expect appreciation, encouragement, support, understanding and excitement over your successes. But if you're a sci-fi writer don't get upset because your girlfriend - who read nothing but romance novels when you met her - would rather you save your costume conventions and book club discussions for your circle of friends.

Don't Ask Your Partner for a Critique Unless You Really Want One

It is human nature to seek the respect and approval of those we love. As a writer, I'm often overcome with the desire to take a piece I'm proud of and foist it on my boyfriend, friends and family. I ask them to tell me what they think. But a subconscious part of me is like a dog that just went and fetched a big stick and dropped it at the feet of its owner. I want to be patted on the head and told that I'm a good girl. I want to hear that the people I respect the most think my latest mind-dump is pure genius.

Don't ask your partner for a critique if what you're hoping for is validation. This puts your partner on the spot. If she loves your work, but the rest of the world thinks it's just so-so, then you'll wonder if she just praised it because she knew that's what you wanted. If she sees a few things that could be improved and what you really wanted was to hear that you've just written the Great American Novel, you may end up with hurt feelings. If she knows this, then she has to decide whether to give you her true impressions or sugarcoat them to avoid hurting you. Relationships face enough situations where honesty and kindness are pitted against each other without adding this one to the mix.

Get your critiques from groups of other writers/musicians/artists, or from people whose opinions you value but who aren't part of your nearest and dearest circle of friends and family. If you truly want the opinion of your partner, have frank discussions upfront about what it is you're really asking for and how you'll handle the response. The one you love may be a wonderful source of ideas and advice on improving your work, but if you want to take advantage of that resource than you need to put your sensitivity aside and take your praise with a healthy dose of suggestions.

Avoid Neglect

I'll admit it. When a project has me in its clutches, I have a one-track mind. All I want to do is write. Because I have these annoying little things called bills that the writing doesn't always make go away just yet, I can't do this. I have to get up and go to work instead. So my writing obsession eats away at my off-time, leaving little left over for anyone or anything else.

I imagine that many creative types, particularly those who make a living someway other than through their passion or those with families to care for, are much the same. If we aren't careful, the first thing we sacrifice to make room for our art in our lives is quality time with our partner. It isn't that we don't miss that time or value other obligations such as work, chores, friends and family more. It is because we feel that since our partners know us better than anyone, they'll understand our needs and not take it personally.

But a good relationship needs care and nourishing just as much as our latest piece of work. A wife who can't remember the last time her husband spent a romantic evening with her rather than hole away in his studio will eventually start wondering what she's getting out of the deal. A boyfriend who can't get his girlfriend out for a bit of fun now and then will be resentful.

Strike a balance, and make time to live the good life with the one you love. Time together is good for both your relationship and your creative spirit.

Pay Attention to the "Little Things."

We've all heard the saying "the devil is in the details." This is never truer than when discussing relationships.

Because we're all individuals, I hesitate to stereotype creative people. But looking at myself and others I know, I can say that we often tend to be less in tune with the details of daily life than maybe we should be. I'm likely to forget to balance the checkbook, let the house get messy, and avoid the cat's litterbox. It isn't that I'm not aware that these things need to be taken care of. My mind is just elsewhere - off in the land of the latest short story or article.

The artist who lives alone usually gets by fine. We exist in our own chaos, often oblivious to it. When we come up for air, we look at the pile of dirty dishes, think "man, I'm a slob," and take care of business.

But the live-in partner of a writer or other creative type may not be able to wait until her lover surfaces for air to get the details dealt with. So she'll do all the cleaning, financial management and other chores of daily living herself, often after her own long workday. Eventually, this can lead to resentment, frustration and arguments.

The writer boyfriend is no longer a sexy creative genius in her mind. He's a lazy slob who treats her like a maid. The arguments begin. In the writer's mind, she's no longer the loving, supportive, inspiring woman he fell for. She's a first-rate nag, and a nitpicking one at that.

Don't let things get to that point. If you're someone who is likely to forget what you consider "the small stuff" when you're in your creative zone, be aware of the tendency. Make a conscious effort to pull your own weight with household affairs. If you're the one waiting for your artiste to realize he hasn't mown the lawn in a month, talk things through and give gentle reminders. Don't be afraid to remind your partner that you have interests and passions and deserve time to pursue them too, and for that to happen he needs to step up and help out. Just give those reminders before you get so frustrated that you can't deliver them without a side dish of insults and a list of all the annoying things he's done in the last three years.

Try not to Take Art Too Personally

When the guy you love deeply presents you with a poem or a song he's created that you've inspired - one describing a beautiful woman with a heart of gold who keeps him sane, you can't help but feel wonderful, and you should.

But what if your girlfriend writes a story about a woman who's involved with a neglectful, irritating man? Or maybe one of the main characters in the story has an annoying habit that resembles one of your own? Is she trying to tell you something?

Maybe, but often not. We're all inspired by the world we live in. Sometimes a writer models a character after someone he or she knows, perhaps without even realizing it. Sometimes, characters are born of bits and pieces of many different people, sometimes they are purely invention, and sometimes they are a combination of all of the above.

The song that includes a reference to something that happened between your boyfriend and his ex doesn't mean he's still carrying a torch for her. The short story your girlfriend wrote where her main-character was in a dead-end relationship doesn't mean that's how she thinks about her romance with you.

It can be hard when you love someone to know when what they write is just a combination of their past and future frames of reference and their imagination being used to create a piece of art and when there's a warning sign in their work. Instead of assuming the worst, talk about it. Don't inhibit your loved one's creativity by making him or her afraid that you'll take anything he or she composes personally, but don't be afraid to ask questions if you have them.

Love and creativity do go hand-in-hand. With strong communication and mutual respect, you can build a relationship where they walk side-by-side rather than having one lag behind the other on the road that you walk together.