Relationship Tips for Surviving the Comfortable Phase

Most everyone of a post college age has encountered various types of relationships. Whether these relationships are one night stands, casual dating, long term, or merely a friends with benefits situation, they've all invariably affected the romantic emotional growth of either party to a notable degree. Of the most influential of these types of relationships, its hard to argue that the long term relationships aren't the most significant. Though people experience many different issues and problems within each relationship, there always comes a time to re-evaluate and define the relationship. People call this stage "the DTR" or "define the relationship talk". Within long term committed relationships that involve some form of future commitment, the inevitable decision to break up, or continue on becomes increasingly important to emotional growth. This period when one or both of the significant others are over the initial honeymoon stage, is what I like to call Getting Comfortable.

So lets talk about long term relationships! You've finally found a person you enjoy enough to commit solely to them, and who satisfies you enough to spend a long period of time with (lets say about 5 months or more). You finally relax and you feel yourself getting into the swing of a relationship aka Getting Comfortable with a person for a long term commitment. One or both partners starts to feel relaxed enough in their bond with the other that they stop doing the little flirty emotional things they did in the beginning of a relationship. They've already won you over, so they stop leaving little notes everywhere talking about how they love your little quirks, and they stop bringing home little gifts. Maybe you're feeling great that you've reached a level where you can calm down and trust in the bond you share, and you can welcome this Getting Comfortable because you don't have to jump through any more hoops to keep your partner interested. It is definitely a good feeling to have that trust, but before you relax remember to re-evaluate where you are in your life and how you're being treated in your relationship to avoid the break up situation I'm going to talk about later. Always always always pay attention to how your mate is treating you through ALL steps of a relationship, and never fall victim to the "oh she/he's just settling down getting used to me". If you start hearing yourself excuse your significant other in this way, you may be feeling neglected in some way or another, or want more attention emotionally from your mate. After you recognize these feelings, you can always sit down and keep communication open by mentioning this need for more attention/emotional comfort to your partner.

However, in most relationships, that relaxing or Getting Comfortable in a relationship is just a minor problem that presents itself later in relationships as it festers into the deal breaker. Feelings of neglect start to infiltrate the relationships causing one partner or another to pull away from the feelings of neediness of the other, while the other feels this pull away and becomes even more needier due to the insecurities surrounding their feelings. One partner begins to question why they aren't worthy of attention, while the other feels suffocated and sometimes (self righteously however) that they are being manipulated to give in to the needy partner's demands, without realizing that coming forth emotionally and "giving in" would feel good for both involved since emotional intimacy creates a bond of trust. Both parties, whether they be the emotionally needy one, or the suffocated one, will need to sit back and evaluate how they are making the other feel. Our first instincts as human beings is to get away from something we don't' like, and remove it from our life. So the person in the relationship that is pulling away is only listening to the gut instinct, and not really evaluating the entire situation. Ask yourself why you feel suffocated! Do you really think your partner needing more attention, or a reminder that you still find them irresistible is a bad thing? If you're the needy one, ask yourself what events have sparked this need for more attention. Has something recently happened in your life to cause a negative outcome? Are you feeling abandoned by others, and putting these feelings on the closest person to you?
Among many other questions, these are the ones I have found to be personally relevant and important in considering whether to continue or terminate the relationship

To avoid the break up after Getting Comfortable it is important to consider the following:
1. Do you have the same goals?
2. What are your big discussions/arguments about?
3. How are you fighting?
4. Are you in conflicting careers?
5. Are you still feeling the spark?
6. What do you think the future will hold?

1. Having the same goals for the relationship is very important. If one of you is thinking of marriage eventually (or not so eventually for some), and the other is trying to understand themselves better while not trying for marriage just yet, there will be a lot of pressure put on either party which usually ends in a break up. The pressure comes from the mismatched goals between the two, and the understanding that ideally neither should compromise just to appease the other, but should generally investigate their feelings on the matter and try to see the other person's point of view. For instance, the one wanting to get married could be the type of person who wants to get on with life and move onto other goals, and fully live in the moment to celebrate everything going on, while the other not wanting marriage could just be putting off a bigger commitment out of fear or insecurity. However the reversal could also be true, the one not wanting marriage could understand they are too inexperienced to make such a big jump, and want to take the time to fully get to know a person before taking the huge step to get married, while the person pushing for marriage could be so consumed with their newfound good feeling emotions that they fail to take an accurate assessment of their compatibility with their current partner. Therefore it is extremely important to understand the other's mindset and have compatible goals for each other.

2. Its important to recognize what the arguments you are having are really about. If you're not having any that could be a problem because it could emphasize the lack of passion in a relationship. Most of the time, relationship arguments happen because each person cares so much about the other that they feel the need to step in and take control, and sometimes this is not needed or appreciated. If you're having arguments the majority of the time, and don't ever spend time really talking about what's behind the arguments, that could lead to a bigger problem and cause an irreparable rift between the two of you. Arguing and disagreeing is bound to happen between two people, and its totally fine if it occurs a small amount of the time, but always be sure to recognize the real problem, and don't focus on the petty stuff. Odds are that your arguments about who takes out the garbage is not really about the garbage, but that one person isn't considering what they can do to improve the situation, and/or doesn't recognize that something needs to be done about a particular issue. This could lead to the person noticing these issues feeling burdened by having to keep up with all the 'chores', and silently building resentment towards the other person not 'taking out the trash' per say.

3. Its also important to be aware of HOW you fight. Name calling and digging up dirty secrets or embarrassing situations from the past is definitely a way to the break up. You don't want to insult the other person even though you're angry, because they'll more than likely remember it lately. Not everyone can remember what exactly their arguments are about, but almost everyone remembers how the arguments and what was said made them feel. Using someone's past against them is not only hurtful, but very damaging and could lead to feelings of mental and emotional abuse. Be careful what you say, never insult the other person, and always try to make your point with the other person's feelings in mind even when you're angry.

4. Its important when getting over the honey moon stage and evaluating a future to know whether that future will be compatible enough. If one person's job has them moving all over the country while the other partner's job is localized and built on local economy, that could add a large amount of strain on the relationship and influence one person to give up their goals for the other. Giving up goals builds incredible resentment in a relationship and is ill-advised considering that issue can't really be forgotten about as the person is constantly reminded that they gave up something for the other. Neither person should ever give up a goal or career unless it was a choice from the beginning, and should get into more serious commitments with another based on a real life understanding of where either person's life is going. Compromise is essential in a relationship, but should be done with full awareness of both person's goals and abilities, and should never have one person towing the line for the other.

5. Still feeling the spark is going to keep the relationship alive for a while. Its essential to rekindle the romantic connection and show appreciation and attraction to the other person. After being in a long term relationship, one can start Getting Comfortable and stop flirting, or showing as much attention as they initially did during the courtship phase of the relationship. As long as you still feel the chemistry and enjoy being around the other person, open communication and a level of understanding can always help discussion as to what each person needs. Setting aside time for date night, and maybe even getting a hotel for a night that can remove all the dramatic situations of home in order for each of you to reconnect will do wonders for the spark in a relationship.

6. Thinking about the future is a very important piece in every relationship. For example, having the same goals and career paths can create a harmonious relationship and cut down on the amount of arguments which leads to better communication and compromise. Each step in every relationship should be taken into the consideration of your future together. Neither party should make a choice, in a serious committed relationship, without at least informing and considering the other partner. It is seen as selfish and uncaring to make big career choices and location changes without understanding your partner's needs may be very different. Knowing someone's career path is going to send them all across the country, that they don't want children, that they're not planning on getting married, that they don't want a serious relationship, among other issues and many other personal choices definitely factor in. Its always good to have a future in mind, and never to early to realize that later in life as you progress in the relationship there are serious factors that will influence if the relationship will last.

Keeping in mind all of the above issues as well as your overall happiness in the relationship is vital to not losing yourself and forgetting your goals in a relationship and as a person. However, even the best relationships with open communication and trust inevitably will fail and end in break up over various important and unimportant reasons too numerous to actively discuss. It is still important to realize why things didn't work out, and be able to move on to a new healthy situation with a significant other. After evaluating all options and understanding the positions each person is in, as well as the possibility of a future, its decidedly much easier to make a decision to continue with the relationship or terminate it after Getting Comfortable.