Relationships and Abuse: How to Determine If Someone is a Victim

Abuse comes in many forms. Two main ones are mental and physical. Physical can encompass the entire body or only parts. However, mental can be anything from derogatory comments about appearance to even threats of God (or any deity) frowning upon someone and casting them into hell. Sometimes it is extremely hard to pinpoint and abuse victim, however, below are a few ideas on what to look for in either physical, mental or a combination of both forms of abuse.

Facial Bruises and abrasions

Physical is most definitely easier to pinpoint for an abuse victim than mental. Obviously, if a woman (or man, but in this instance we'll use a woman as the victim) has bruise marks on her face and gives a really shady answer to how she got them, you may wish to insist on her seeing a doctor just in case of an infection. This, in itself, can give a good idea if she's been abused as those who have been tend to be more reluctant about going to see anyone out of fear. As a side note, even if it isn't an abuse situation, if the cuts and/or bruises are severe enough they should seek medical assitance in case of infection.

The body

Sometimes, the abuse isn't on the face, but it's easy enough to question abuse if the victim wears clothing that are normally not worn that time of year - such as long sleeved shirts in the summer or even turtlenecks. Anything uncharacteristic of a person should be questioned. Figuring out if they are being abused (given you have just cause to believe they are) will be extremely difficult since the torso can easily be hidden. Generally, the only way I've ever seen someone come out with being abused on their torso is when offered a hug they declined it (when normally they would accept one from a friend). When I inquired why she refused the normal hug goodbye, she stated that she hurt her back and sure enough, there were fist sized marks on the back. She wouldn't state how she got them and in fact she tried to skirt around the subject a number of times. This led me to question why - for someone normally open armed in spite of backaches - they suddenly refused. Sure enough, a little while later I had heard via the newspaper her boyfriend had been arrested for abuse.
Burn marks can also be identified extremely easy on the body. This I'm taking from a very popular movie in the 80's. Cigarettes and cigars are round and leave a raised mark (almost like a mole, but clearly a lot different) on the skin. They aren't pleasant and generally a very clear idea to an abuse victim - especially if they get these burns easily. Speaking as someone who accidentally burnt herself on a cigarette as a kid, it isn't something you'd honestly want to have done repeatedly. These, of course, with all injuries should be taken seriously and gotten attention by a trained medical professional.

Mental

Mental is harder to tell between physical and mental, however, from personal experience, I have gotten quite apt (unfortunately) at telling abuse of this nature. I've seen controlling, guilt and even children being utilized to almost torture another person. It isn't less harmful than physical, in fact, I don't think you could compare the two at all. Both are horrible and that's just it.

Quite a while ago, a friend of mine stated she desired to leave her boyfriend of 6 years, however, he had gotten to her eldest daughter at the time. Every time she mentioned leaving to go to a better place to anyone, her daughter would be the one doing the mental abuse instead of her boyfriend. The child stated quite clearly that if she ever left daddy then the child was staying with him. So, distraught because she didn't want her daughter to leave her side and being controlled by a child - she stayed. She basically let a child control her destiny instead of being a parent, saying, "No we're doing this for OUR benefit." Children can often be manipulated in several ways in order to get what the abuser wants. From the child determining a parents action to the harshness of derogatory comments (such as you're ugly, fat, etc) the child being used to abuse an adult is also Child Abuse. A child protective service should be immediately contacted if you witness this kind of abuse or the mother mentions it.

Control

This is often seen on daytime talk shows. You see the man (generally) who feels he is king of the castle.. whatever he dates or marries is his property and he can do what and when he pleases with her. This is probably what I consider the most disgusting form of abuse. It's ownership, flat out. Nobody should own another human being and treat it as common garbage and yet expect to be praised like a deity. This goes as far as to what the woman cooks, when and HOW she cooks it down to even what type of undergarments she may or may not wear. You see these women devastated by this, but, being so broken down by these control freaks they have no strength or power to leave. (Or the know how to get out and be safe) Some even fear their lives should they overstep their bounds.
Listen and look for drastic changes in a friend and their relationship status. If suddenly they get married and start only wearing sweatpants and t-shirts, this is a reason for concern. Or, if they suddenly have to drop contact with you forever after a relationship shift, it may be abuse. Any sudden shifts in behavior or lifestyle, such as no longer being in contact with her parents or social activities suddenly stopping - these are genuine reasons to be concerned.
Sometimes, the cries for help are so quiet you have to pay close attention to hear them. First hand experience again, my friend mentioned her boyfriend giving her money to go buy something for herself and then deeming what she could get and what was unacceptable. She wasn't allowed to purchase anything that'd make her more attractive and in fact, he settled on approving a pair of pants for her.

Sometimes, the control is so bad you'd wonder if the friend became a slave. Such as doing all the housework and having to have it approved as done by someone. Or having to prove their worth before being granted a chance to go out and even then, at the last second another pile of housework being thrown on top. (Think Cinderella and you have the best visual I can think of.)

Being called fat or ugly. This is just cruel and unusual. If your friend ever mentions their other half stating if they get fat or ugly that they're leaving, you need to open up your friends eyes before things turn even worse - if they haven't already. Even if it doesn't seem harsh to them, it is. A relationship should never be about the physical appearance of someone. Yes, a little physical attraction is to be expected, but when someone is told they are getting 'too fat' or 'ugly' then this draws the line into mental abuse. Messing with their mind to ruin them.

Abuse is disgusting no matter what shape or form it takes. If you feel that someone is being abused in a relationship then you need to act smartly and see if there are any ways you can get the victim out of a bad situation before it becomes a matter of life or death. No matter what kind of abuse, seek medical attention immediately if it is needed and let the victim know that they are not alone. There are people who care. This will help them more than you will ever know.