Relationships, Communication, Family & Then What

Dating and meeting a person for the first time can have it's challenges, especially if you haven't taken time to work through old history or emotional issues from prior relationships and/or dealt with what ever was the reason for the end of the last time you thought was the "right" one -even if it was the passing of a loved one.

The other challenge in most relationships, including relating in families, is becoming so familiar, that we become lethargic, assumptive and even lazy in our regard for one another, thus the "health" of the relationship suffers and we wonder why. For some, this is the case, and others, there could be other serious variables and/or just starting out with challenges that would not support a balanced and healthy relationship to start.

Not all has to be lost, when you are willing to put your effort back into it or from the start, which ever the case may be, and be committed to being more consistent and accountable for your own behavior and the effect you do have on the other person (or persons in a family) by the choices you make, your behavior and your attitude.

Sometimes, however, it helps to have a mirror to recognize or reflect what you would like to work on to improve your own situation. Often when we spend a great deal of time complaining or accusing someone else of behaving a specific way that is displeasing to us; i.e. "my boyfriend always eats too much," then it tends to be something you may be internally frustrated about more so with yourself. Especially if the complaint is more fault finding and nit picking than, seeking to clarify or understand a persons situation, or if it is trying to dictate to another rules, that you try to implement for yourself - that is not your place and you're crossing personal boundaries.

A way to address an issue, without your ego getting in the way too much and preventing you from making healthy changes and positive progress to achieve the goals you do want, without self-sabotaging your life or your relationships and even hurting those you love as a result or preventing a loving relationship from happening or lasting - we take a look from the inside view and through the positive of what would be happening when all is well. From this context, you have a working format to do checks and balances and can make conscious choices for yourself and your relationships.

So how do we know when a person is genuine and participating in a healthy relationship, i.e. listening, interacting, compassionate, loving and sharing, etc.? Here are five examples to offer some insight.

1) S/he will share his/her interests with you. There will be a genuine desire to share likes, dislikes in conversation, as well as attending events that support those interests. S/he will want you to participate with them and share a part of their life, as it is experienced as an expression of their joy and an opportunity to share that joy with you and for some, even an expression of whom they feel they are and a creative outlet that is vital to their personality. In a family, it strengthens the bond of a family unit to create family activities together, even on a monthly basis -be it game night, sports events, going to the park, or doing crafts or cooking together. This is a similar bond created when a couple spend time together and share in each others interests, alike and different, supporting those likes and differences, demonstrates respect and regard for the person as an individual, as well as affirms they can be loved without any condition for change to be otherwise.

2) S/he will introduce and share his/her family with you. Regardless of most family relationships - to be included in what that family life is like and share details of those relationships with you, demonstrates a level of trust. Trust is one of your foundational building blocks to your lasting and loving relationship. For a person to open up and share any details of them self and/or of family which s/he indicates is personal or intimate, is initiating trust and building it. So your goal is to support it, not break it. You support it by making the conscious choice to keep what is shared as personal or intimate and as respected as has been requested and even more so; which means, safe guard what was shared with you as if it where something you shared and it mattered most to you. Then you know you will never use it later in the wrong way; now you know how to ensure this building block is secure.

3) S/he will listen to you. When a person asks questions about you, your interests; how your day has been; how was work or what your project is or how it is going; who are your friends and what are they like; when they take time to notice what you're wearing, compliment you or a job you've done; appreciate you for something(s) you have done for them - they have taken a true interest in you. At this point, especially when it is pretty consistent, then you know that you matter to them and they actually care about you. When a person takes time to ask what you want for a meal and that is what is prepared or purchased, or when a gift is given to you is exactly as you had described on another occasion that you had wanted - this person truly hears you and cares for your interests and needs. Families that take that extra moment to pause and turn off the internal dialogue and assumptions and waits to hear what is being said, realize how much closer they become to each other and the true meaning of each ones needs that can be met, just by listening. When we safe guard this other foundational building block, by being conscious and intentional in pausing because we want to hear the other person verses assuming we know them already - we secure the love of this building block as well.

4) S/he will introduce you to his/her friends. When you enjoy who you are with, it is hardly a secret - you're happy. So it is natural that meeting mutual friends, even co-workers would be another step. S/he would have and want you to spend time with her/him and the places that are shared with close friends, because you are being included and trusted even more with a situation, as well as people that matter to him/her most. Inclusion is a strong part of bonding and is a natural part of human nature. When people start to become exclusive, even if it is just expressed verbally, it creates an unhealthy imbalance in the human psyche. There is truth that there are some that are not as social as others, however, it is still instinctive not to be completely isolated. Every human being has their own internal gauge or sensory for what works for them and what doesn't for human contact and social interaction, which must be respected. Even in relationships where you may have one individual who has a higher need for social interaction than another, it can be supported, as long as both are open and honest with each other with compassionate respect and allow the other to be themselves. Respect and boundary recognition essentially go hand in hand. The saying to know thyself, holds true, in that if you are unaware of your own limitations or inner issues and thus create an underlying habit of reacting with resentment or anger every time someone doesn't agree with your view point verses being aware and being able to acknowledge within yourself this issue; work through it and respond to the person with respect and allow them the proper space to live and decide as they choose without consequence for not agreeing with you - this is a truer and healthier way to support self and others in another foundational building block.

5) S/he will take time for you. You become a priority. As a relationship evolves s/he will make you a priority and make time for you. Even the busiest person, working long hours, business trips and extra-curricular activities will be adapted to include you because you are a priority now. As mentioned above, when in a relationship, there is not exclusion, but inclusion, and also when in a relationship that is loving and supportive, that person wants to be with you and therefore puts forth the effort to do so - not just when or if it is convenient, but will be conscious and on purpose since a relationship is started consciously and on purpose -the same approach and intention is what is taken throughout to maintain it. That is not to say, at times, families don't accept their overtime, etc, however, there is conscious balance to nurture the relationship of being with family and the relationship - otherwise the purpose of earning the money to feed, care for and spend with the family, becomes useless and self serving, if ones loses the very family and relationship they were "working" for; so compassion and nurturing essentially go hand in hand as well when it comes to the care of your relationship and being mindful and consistent. Compassion towards yourself to ensure balanced care for your inner and outer health to be available for the well being of your relationship and family, as well as the nurturing and compassion of your companion and relationship to ensure this foundational building block.

Some may think to be nurturing is only a women's job or it is to show weakness. The reality is, it is everyone's responsibility. Nurturing is expressed in various ways, i.e. choosing to speak with kind words verses out of anger; looking for something to compliment verses looking for something to find fault with; recognizing and accepting when one has been complimented or appreciation expressed verses complaining it wasn't expressed good enough, at the right time or when it should have been done. Other forms of nurturing that are more recognized are working to bring income, preparing meals, paying bills, keeping up household chores, taking care of children's needs, taking care of errands, taking care of the elderly or loved one or other requests such as foot or back massage, etc.

These are a few insights with four of the foundational building blocks of trust, listening, respect and compassion to support the communication process and growth of a healthy relationship. This alone is not it, however, what you choose to do with it can make a difference. Blessings on your life journey.