Relationships: How to Fight Fairly

Even the happiest couples sometimes experience rough patches. No two people are ever going agree on every facet of life, so disagreements are inevitable. Psychologists now say the way in which couples argue sheds important insights into the overall health of their relationship. They claim couples who stand the best chance of remaining happy and healthy are ones who handle arguments respectfully. Arguing between lovers is not unhealthy, generally speaking. However, what can threaten a relationship's strength are arguments that demean or dismiss the other person's point of view. Here are some suggestions on how to effectively argue while keeping the integrity of the relationship intact.

Use 'I' Statements

Using statements in the first person takes the blame and shame aspect out of arguing. Rather than beginning a statement by pointing fingers, focus on inner feelings and fears. An example would be, "I felt upset when we were late to the party, I like to be on time", rather than an accusation, "You always make us late, you are never on time". The ability to express authentic feelings while simultaneously taking responsibility for them is the sign of a healthy dialogue.

Avoid 'Always' and 'Never'

Using the above example, avoid the words 'always' or 'never'. People rarely 'always' or 'never' do anything. Instead, focusing on more accurate terms such as 'sometimes' or even 'often' helps to keep an intense discussion from turning ugly.

Validate and Reflect

Validating a partner's concerns and reflecting back to them shows that both parties are being heard. Example: "I hear you when you say your feelings were hurt when we were late to the party. It sounds like that really upset you." Reflecting and validating displays respect and willingness to understand the other's point of view.

Avoid Insults

When tempers are flaring, it may be tempting to revert to insults or name-calling. However, avoiding such expressions of anger displays self-control and maturity. Refusing to insult a lover in moments of anger lets them know that they are respected even during arguments.

Seek Resolution

Holding grudges and delivering the silent treatment will only weaken bonds in a relationship. Offering help or suggesting solutions aids in resolving fights among couples. Even the injured party can seek resolution by assuming good intentions. Drawing from the party example, the injured party could offer: "I have noticed we occasionally run late because of your work schedule. Would making plans later in the evening help?" Communicating willingness to meet a partner halfway takes arguing to a new level of decency.

Walk Away

Finally, knowing when to set aside a squabble that is quickly going downhill is an effective means of arguing. Rather than slamming doors or leaving in a huff, agreeing to revisit a heated subject when both parties have calmed down is a sign of relationship health.

Navigating relationships, especially during rough a rough patch, can be difficult. Honoring the other half of the relationship when tempers are flaring takes self-control, discipline, and empathy. By utilizing these methods of respectful communication, couples can create a relationship built on mutual love and admiration.