Relationships: Knowing Someone for 24 Years Doesn't Make Them a Good Friend

A woman whom I had regarded as a friend for 24 years turned out to be a not-so-good friend. How could I have known someone for that many years, and not realized that she was not really a good friend? What really determines a good friend or relationship?

"Donna" and I met at college 24 years ago. We discovered that we both worked for the same large manufacturer who employed thousands, so it was not uncommon to not know someone else at work. We were both taking the same science and math courses, and we were both "non-traditional" older students, having been out of high school and into the work force for many years. We often enjoyed dinner together after work and before classes began-we were night students. We had so much in common (school, work, computer-science curriculum, and being "older" students) that we automatically became friends, a relationship that would last 24 years.

Over the years, I had enjoyed learning from Donna about her family and felt as if I got to know all of them through Donna's descriptions of her parents, brother, sister, and children's families. I am a good listener and enjoy learning about people and their backgrounds. I take an interest in viewing people's family photos and knowing more about their loved ones and those who have meaning in their lives.

I am a very non-judgmental person. I don't often make a decision about whether or not a person is good or bad; however, I do feel that some people make bad choices. When someone is going through hard times, I usually empathize with them, even though they may have made unwise decisions that brought on their situation. Thus, I always listened without judgment to Donna's life, family, and stories.

During our dinners before class time, I valued listening to Donna talk about her life, her work, her family, her triumphs and woes in life. I always felt that we were good friends. We both graduated together, which was a major accomplishment in my life. Unfortunately, none of my family could attend my graduation due to a death in the family. But Donna was there, as well as my husband a two of his children.

Even after Donna and I both graduated and moved on to careers in computer programming, we still kept in touch throughout the years by having brunch together once or twice a year and emailing each other in between, sharing photos of family and other topics. It gave me a chance to catch up on what was going on in her life. I was a listening ear for Donna as she lost a parent, went through a divorce, experienced new grandchildren, bought a new home, went through the sad divorce of her son and his spouse, and other major life events.

Then one day after I got home from one of our brunches, my husband happened to ask, "Did you tell Donna about our new granddaughter?" I thought for a moment, and answered, "No, she didn't ask about the family." Then my husband asked, "Did you tell her about the magazine article you were featured in?" I had been featured in a widely-read magazine for solving a major industrial problem for my company. I answered him, "No, she didn't really ask about my work."

I felt a heavy weight in my heart as I wondered why Donna had not asked me about my life, my stepchildren or my grandchildren? Why didn't she ask me about my work, my interests? I didn't really have the opportunity to discuss with her the recent exciting vacation my husband and I had taken, or the new exercise program I had started, because for hours I had listened to her talk about her life, her children, her family, her work, her troubles and tribulations, her triumphs. I was so focused upon listening to Donna's life that I gave little thought to talking about my own, and she didn't ask. I tried not to make a judgment about our friendship at this point, but decided to wait.

Physical exercise was not important to Donna. I, on the other hand, had always been an advocate of physical exercise, whether it be conducted in a gym, a fitness center, or simply walking down a sidewalk. I play sports 4 to 6 times every week on regular teams and leagues. Exercise and fitness are a big part of my life. Donna did not exercise, so she never asked me about my interest in sports or exercise.

The next time we had brunch together, Donna was not doing well, because she had injured her shoulder by simply moving the "wrong way." She had not fallen or placed undue stress upon her arm or shoulder in order to cause the injury. It simply happened, requiring physical therapy, which she obviously did not want to discuss. It is a medical fact that when injuries occur this easily, the patient's level of physical fitness is inadequate. After I suggested that she work on building up her muscle tone in order to prevent future injuries such as this, she was offended.

After we left, I sent her an email later that day, apologizing for anything I may have said that could have upset her, but she did not reply. I called her home and left a phone message with an apology, but never received a reply. I made no further attempts to contact her, because I felt that I had really done nothing wrong; and if she was upset about my concern for her, that was her problem, not mine.

A year and a half later, she called me from her cell phone while driving, saying that she was heading to a doctor appointment near my home, and would I meet her for lunch after her appointment. I did, and once again the conversation was all about her. She did not ask about my work (I had recently retired), my interests, our home business that she knew existed. She did not ask about anything of interest that may have occurred recently in my life. She did, however, ask about my parents and my husband, but that was it. Whenever I made any brief comments regarding a vacation, sports, our home business, or other topics in my life, the subject was quickly switched back to her.

I left with a feeling of disappointment that she had not shown more of an interest in learning anything about my life. After all, it had been 16 months since we had seen each other, and I had not heard from her during that lengthy span of time. How could I have been so blind all these years as to not realize that she was not really a good friend?

A page of my life had turned-a page that I would never re-read.

The sad realization hit me that just because we may know someone for 24 years, and listen to their life's story for 24 years does not make that person a good friend. Even if she had felt offended at my suggestion to improve muscle tone to prevent injury, a real friend would have been forgiving. A true friend may have felt temporarily miffed then would have gotten over it and remained friends.

Something as petty as her offense at a suggestion for improvement caused her to cut off all communication to a 24-year friendship for a year and a half. A feeling of melancholy came over me as I recalled all that we had been through during the past 24 years: work, graduation, our families , finding our careers. But none of that was more important to her than her feelings of being offended over a simple suggestion out of concern.

I now realized that for 24 years our friendship had been built upon Donna, her interests, her feelings, her likes and dislikes. It had always been about her, and that was never going to change. It was a disappointing awareness to finally understand that Donna truly was not that interested in my family, my work, my exercise, my home business, my vacations, or anything else about my life.

I really and truly did not care if I ever heard from her again. I did not feel anger toward her, only apathy about having anything to do with her again. I had no intention of making her aware of this, but instead, simply decided to let the relationship fade away silently. I would not email her again, nor would I call her. If she were to communicate with me at some future date, then I would need to decide at that time whether or not I would continue the friendship. For now, I would focus my thoughts upon more positive things, such as those friends I do have who accept me they way I am, and are able to weather the ups and downs of life.

Forgiveness is a learned trait that requires character and maturity. Being able to forgive only comes with learning from our past mistakes--learning life's lessons and growing from it. Selfish people are often unable to forgive. If we are unable to forgive, then we do not have friends (except for perhaps a few family members), because there is no such thing as the perfect friend who is always able to clairvoyantly dance around any and all topics that may be sensitive to us. We must be able to overlook minor mistakes and focus upon what is really important: relationship, companionship, love.

I learned that a true friend is someone who is able to forgive and continue to be a friend.