Relationships With Negative People Might Emotioanlly Drain You

Those little habits that we ignore when we are first dating can seem so much more obvious later on. Negative people and their effect on those who love them can be one of those overlooked traits. Later, we may find ourselves feeling so drained just being around that person, and only after someone else calls it to our attention (or we figure it out after some self-reflection) do we realize that this person has a habit of seeing the negative in every situation. Lori Deschene author of Tiny Buddha's Handbook for Peace and Happiness, reports "Negativity loves getting a rise out of people. Someone to feel for the sob story. Someone to get outraged over the injustice. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world'"a sense that they're not floating alone in their own anger or sadness."

Why are negative people so negative? Unfortunately, this can be a learned response, and by looking at the person's family of origin, it may be obvious where this negativity started. Anna, a recently engaged woman who went to meet her fiance's family, found it blatantly obvious that the whole family was extremely negative. "It began with dinner at a local restaurant, where they criticized the waiter, every dish, and the time it took to get their change," she reported. "Then it continued to trying to choose a movie for us to watch on television. They took turns playing movie critic. No one could say anything positive without one of them coming back with a negative statement. It was draining."

Negativity feeds off negativity. Negative people can enjoy being negative and want others to join in their negativity. The sad part is it may be a habit they are not even aware of doing.

Why is it a problem? As Anna noticed, it made her feel so tired. Negative people cause a drain on all the people around them. When one person shares good news about a new job to a group of friends, it only takes one to come back and say, "That's not great news because it's a bad company to work for," and "You're going to end up hating it there" to bring everyone down. And that person would love nothing more than for others to agree with that point of view. Earvin "Magic" Johnson, retired basketball player and inspirational speaker, says, "Negative people can sap your energy so fast, and they can take your dreams from you, too." And negative people gravitate toward other negative people, so their comments feed off each other. They are particularly draining if you are co-dependent or sensitive to the moods around you.

So how do you handle negative people? They are not likely to change, and saying, "Just ignore it" is totally unrealistic. Even the most emotionally healthy person will begin to feel drained when confronted for an extended period of time by a negative personality. If it is possible, distance yourself from this individual, or spend as little time with them as necessary. Evan Bailyn, author of the blog "Never Grow Up- The Peter Pan Syndrome" said it this way, "We have no obligation to remain loyal to those who affect us adversely unless we place little value on our happiness."

But what if you are in a relationship with this person and severing ties is not an option for you? If you are involved with this person, that may not always be possible. Boundaries become extremely important in this type of relationship. Refuse to take part in negative conversations. Don't hesitate to disagree with the negativity. Offer a different viewpoint. Or confront the negativity by saying, "Well, now that I know what you don't like about it, what do you like?" Try to turn the conversation to more positive things. In order to do this, you must become very aware of what is being said, and not get sucked into joining in the negativity. Dodinski of dodinsky.com believes "the soul does not absorb negativity by accident, always by choice."

If you're with someone and find yourself feeling sad and drained, ask yourself if that person is overly negative. Become aware of those around you, and isolate yourself from those 'psychic vampires' whenever possible. If it is not possible, then set boundaries on the issues you will take part in. You may not ever change this person, but you can change how much of their negative attitude you allow to affect you. No one can totally ruin your day unless you let them.