Relationships: Ten Commandments of Love #5 Your Kids My Kids

Quite frankly I think anyone attempting to blend a family nowadays is just plain insane. Let's face it, this is not the 60's and kids nowadays are not the Brady Bunch! However, I do understand with all the divorces over the past many years, it would almost be impossible not to. I can't count how many times I have seen couples either living together or married with kids from a previous relationship call these kids, "Yours" and "Mine". Let's take a look at how this affects the whole family as well as the relationship between the couple.

Before we get started on the "Yours" and Mine" I would like to get another point taken care of. It amazes me that I have seen couples who get together and allow to call this new person in their life mommy or daddy in a very short amount of time. Being a mother or father takes a lot of commitment, love, understanding, and patience. Bestowing this title on a new person too soon can cause confusion for the children as well as the couple.

My first suggestion is to wait at least a year, if not more before you even consider this new person a part of the family. This will leave ample time for those couples who may break up and be on their merry way, with as little emotional damage to either set of kids as possible. Teaching kids that mommy's and daddy's are instant, does not help the kids one bit. It can be very emotionally damaging for the kids to start thinking of this person as their new parent that they can depend upon, only to be swept away, when the couple breaks up. Be intelligent please, make sure the relationship is permanent before getting your kids so deeply involved.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way, let's get to the part about "Yours" and "Mine". Too many, and I do mean too many people allow the other person coming into their child's life to take on all the responsibility, and emotional part of being a parent, without allowing them to have any authority regarding their behavior. It's okay that this new person supports your kids, love your kids, and does for your kids, BUT as soon as they try to discipline that child for misbehaving, the biological parent pulls out the "Their My Kids, Not Yours". I have seen this with married couples as well as people living together. The step-parent has been treating the kids like their own for years, and Bam, it comes out the second that step-parent trys to discipline. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! This not only sends mixed messages to the kids, it also sets up an alliance between the biological children and parent, against the step-parent.

Shame on you, how dare you allow this step-parent to fully act as a parent and then shoot them down with no authority over the kids, like their some stranger off the street that needs to mind their own business. Guess what, you can't have it both ways. How degraded that step-parent must feel that they are good enough for the money and love, but don't deserve to be trusted to discipline the kids. Teaching the kids that your partner is just a second class citizen is not going to do anyone any good.

The only kind of kids your going to be raising with this attitude, is ones that are manipulative. You have already by your actions and words given the green light for them not to listen to the step-parent in the first place. I guarantee, if you hear a kid saying "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mother/father", it's because the biological parent has NOT set down expectations for that child that he respect, and listen to the step-parent. Whether we want to believe it or not, kids do follow what their parents expect them to do, if it is made clear they don't have a choice, and that's the way it's going to be. I don't know, it worked when I was growing up.

Another tragedy of all this, is the relationship between the couple. The step-parent can't help but to seriously start resenting the biological parent Big Time. Resentment is not a good foundation for love to continue. On the other hand the biological parent is so busy "Protecting" the kids from the big bad step-parent they don't have the time and energy for much of a relationship. It really isn't a good scenario all the way around.

The only solution to this is a compromise on the part of the biological parent. The step-parent is not at fault here. They have every right to be treated with all the respect of a full fledged parent. If as a biological parent you can't seem to bring yourself to do this, I suggest you start planning a life alone until the kids are grown, and out of the house.

Parenting is a difficult job. A couple must be a team that works together for the betterment of the children, and family. Both parents must have the respect and authority needed to raise the children to be healthy adults. If either parent, biological or step, cannot bring them selves to do this, the children are better off in the long run with just the one parent! Remember it should always be "Our Kids", NOT yours and mine!