Relationships: When Is It Time to Get Out?

I personally have had to watch my loved ones deal with abuse from their partners. Whether it be physical or emotional abuse, it is never a pretty sight or easy to deal with. And often as an outsider looking in, it is so easy for us to tell our friends or family that what they are going through is wrong and to pack up and head out. But it is not so easy for our friend! Most of the time they cannot see what we are seeing or just choose not to see it?

They will normally always make excuses for their partner and find a way to blame themselves or someone else for their abusive behavior? They will usually take up for their husband/wife and sometimes get very angry with you!

And we, again, as outsiders looking in cannot for our lives figure out why they would not only continue to put themselves through the abuse but also take up for the abuser?

I had a friend tell me once after I had told her she needed to take a break from her husband for a while, "That it was alot easier said than done". And of course I did not understand? Well it turns out she was right. I eventually found myself in an abusive relationship before I even knew what had happened?

Now that its all over and I have survived it (so far) I was able to sit back and think about how I got myself into such a horrible situation and was in so deep I could not and almost did not make it out.

Well of course like most relationships, this one started out wonderful! The first few months there were no arguments just good times. Now usually, in your normal healthy relationship, after about the first year you should know your partner pretty well by now and there will be minor arguments and problems and you both will usually be quick to make up and fast to get over it. After a year you should know if this person is a person you want to try to make a life with or not.

In most cases abuse from a partner would not start until after the first year. But when I look back now on my first year with my partner their were signs I should have saw that should have thrown up a red fag! There were occasions where he made comments about the clothes I was wearing that were not very flattering. But when I became upset he quickly said he was just joking and I let it go at that? He lied to me a few times but when caught in a lie he always had a smooth way to explain himself.

By the second year in a relationship, if you are in an abusive relationship odds are the abuse has already started and you are well aware of it. At this point in my experience your family and Friends are not yet aware of the abuse or the situation. At this point the abusive partner wants to stay in Good graces with your loved ones. The abuse will go on behind closed doors. In my case I saw it, My partner was more of the emotional type abuser but did become physical at times. He would say awful things to me when he became angry, He would have me in tears and there were times at this point he pushed me!

Why did I not leave at this point? Good question. And looking back now I really do not know why i did not get out then! But I know at the time it was because I thought he really loved me! After an argument when I would try to leave he would cry and beg me to stay! He would always come up with an excuse for his behavior and I would always fall for it? I did love him!

After two years with your partner you know whether you are in a abusive relationship or not. If you are and you choose to stay hoping or thinking it will get better, keep dreaming! Without counseling it is NOT going to get any better it is only going to get worse! ALOT worse! If you have not done so already now is a good time to get out!

If you make it another year or two with this person chances are you are going to go through the same routine alot and once they see you are not going any where the real abuse will start!

Now by this point the abuse has gotten so bad your friends and family see it or know it! They caring about your well being, will most likely try to step in and get involved, which is only going to make things worse! I At this point in my relationship I found myself defending my partner to my friends. I was in a horrible shape! The abuse had gotten so bad that he did it in front of my friends! My partner liked to talk down to me in front of his friends, he thought it was funny and entertaining to his friends to point out everything that was wrong with me. Or order me around like a dog!

However it was only funny to him as his Friends were some of the people coming to me to try to talk to me about leaving him. They did this of course when he was not around, My friends on the other hand were so angry with him they came to me in FRONT of him!

This is when it got real ugly!

He and my friend or family members would get in a very heated argument! He would even talk down to my mom, saying things like "Its no wonder she is so stupid, the apple does not fall far from the tree!" I would always try to stay out of the argument but after-wards, when it was just me and him I would have to hear his mouth for hours! At this point there was no sweet talking afterward or apologies. The sweet talking is pretty much over with by now. I would just wake up the next morning praying he did not start with me before leaving for work and if he did not, I would worry all day if when he got home, was he going to be in a bad mood or not? Yes this would be a good time to leave but I did not?

I did this for years and walked on egg shells in my own home every minute he was around me! I was always weary when MY friends or family would come over, hoping he did not instigate an argument or vice versa! As I stated earlier he was more of a verbal abuser. Over the seven years I had been with him he had never actually hit me, he had only pushed me(and he was always ready to point that fact out) and I looked at that as a good thing in my messed up mind at the time!

But he had cheated on me, lied to me, cursed at my family and friends and just about alienated me from all of my loved ones! And I was very scared of him at this point! SO why was I still with him? At this point in the relationship, as with most other cases like mine, he had tore me down so to speak. He had took away all of any self- esteem I had left at this point and basically had me thinking I deserved the abuse. I also at this point had become so use to the abuse it was like second nature to me and I was able to block it out,most of the time.

SO what finally woke me up? Well in my case It was pretty simple. He actually hit me! He punched me so hard I fell down and it took me a minute to get back up! I was in shock at first I think and so was he! I just got up and walked to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw that I was bleeding and had several bruises on my face and body from the punch and the fall. He was actually at the bathroom door almost in tears saying he was sorry! That was something I had not heard from him in a long, long time! I did not respond to him, I just cleaned myself up and went to bed!

The next morning I woke up to him apologizing and crying now. He did not want to go to work, he wanted to stay home with me. I told him I was OK, just go to work. Well after he left for work I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror again. I looked worse of course and as I was standing there looking at myself I realized at that moment I had wasted alot of years of my life on a pitiful, insecure, scared little man who did not love me at all! And I decided without hesitation right then and there I was not going to waste anymore! I packed up and left!

It turns out that my partner must have saw something in me that night and that morning before he left that I did not know was there yet, because he did not want to go to work in fear that I was going to be gone when he got home! Well I am not sure how he knew it or what he saw but he was right! Turns out my enough point was when he actually punched me and I could see with my own two eyes what physical damage he had done to me! Oh yes without a doubt the emotional abuse he put me through all of those years were much worse and had longer lasting effects on me! Those scars will never completely heal. But I just could not see it for what it was, whatever the reason?

Was it easy leaving him and were the days and weeks after easy? No, it was hard especially with him calling and stopping by everyday trying to talk to me. And calling my family begging them to talk to me, But it was to late! I stayed away from him the first month or so. I would not see him or talk to him on the phone. I was afraid I would give into him and end back up in the same situation. After I was sure I could see him and it not bother me I did allow him to come face to face to apologize and he did try to talk his way back into my life, But it was not going to happen. he did not become angry like i expected, he seemed to actually appear sad? He could not understand how I could just stop loving him that fast after all these years? I told him I did not JUST stop loving him. I told him with every harsh word he ever said to me and all those times he put me and my family down and every time he pushed me around, he slowly killed my love for him. It just took me a while to realize it! That last punch of his was the final blow!

I should have put a stop to this before it ever started. Abuse whether physical or emotional from your lover is wrong! It is very unhealthy for you and your loved ones and especially harmful to your children if you have any. Pay close attention to your boy/girl friend in the beginning of your relationship. Watch for signs no matter how minor they seem at the time. If you see anything that bothers you, watch out! If possible try to find out about his/her previous relationships. Chances are if he/she is showing signs of abuse toward you it probably went on in other relationships also. Most importantly, let them know right away you are not the one! You are not going to take it! If you let them get away with the small stuff in the beginning the big stuff is sure to follow in the end!