Relationships: What Women Want

Gentlemen, I set out today to demystify the enigma that is woman. As you read, you must remember that women are people, too. They have their own tastes and preferences. Their individual penchants may deviate slightly, but the generalities that I will present hold true 99% of the time.

If your goal is a successful relationship with a member of the fairer sex, adherence to these guidelines will increase your chances. Though relationships should not be a contest, it is best to "Know thine enemy." Here is what extensive research shows women are looking for in a male partner.

Hygiene
Women hate stinky things. This is evident in their indulgence in potpourri, perfumes, and hundreds of tiny, fragrant soaps. The average woman will spend no less than 40 minutes in Bath & Body Works, sampling until their nostrils are no longer able to distinguish the difference between vanilla and lavender.

This is not to say that women don't love a dirty man. They are actually quite turned on by the sweat and dirt that accumulates on a man from a day of hard work. In reality, it's not the dirt that is sexy. It's the fact that you busted your back making their life better. As long as you wash up before attempting to hug them, all will be well.

Clean up your act fellows.

Humor
A trait constantly reported by women as a primary attractive factor of a man is a sense of humor. It is important to know the boundaries and topics that women find funny. Men are not allowed to make fun of a woman's family, friends, job, yippy little dog, bad hair cut, or clothes.

Women mostly enjoy self-deprecating humor. Picking apart the male foibles is just the funniest thing to the female psyche. It is important to realize that size matters, so develop a great, big sense of humor to attract a woman.

Laugh at yourself guys.

Money
The second sexiest thing about a man to any woman is his job. Just the fact you have one earns instant points. It is not important to draw a huge salary as long as you can show responsibility. Burger-flippers and doctors alike get dates and mates, but you never see the homeless out for a night on the town, at least not on a date.

Most jobs come with a by-product that women can't resist. Insurance is guaranteed to make a man nearly irresistible. Keep your proof of car insurance in the glove box and find an excuse to have her open the box and stumble on it. When pulling out your credit card (yes those are sexy, too) to pay for dinner accidentally spill your medical insurance card on the table. What happens later can not be described without giving this article an R rating.

Benefits make women moist.

Marriage
You may be thinking that marriage is the goal of every woman, but that is not true and not the point being made. The truth is that women find married men attractive. If you are unwilling to take the plunge to attract something better, simply buy a ring at your local pawn shop and fake it.

The underlying force here is that women are highly competitive with other women. They may appear to work as a group, but are in reality catty, vengeful creatures. The current working theory to this female thought pattern is: A. He's good enough for her. B. I'm better than her. C. Therefore, he should be with me.

Make a woman's competitive drive work for you.

Conclusion
Armed, as it were, with this new knowledge of the inner workings of the female mind you will soon be irresistible to the opposite sex. Hygiene, humor, job, and competition are the keys to impressing women. Follow these simple rules and compliment her clothes even if they're just a ratty pair of jeans. If all goes well, those jeans will be on the floor soon enough.