Remarriage and Your Child

Of course remarriage affects children! But are the effects going to be devastating or positive to your child? This can really depend on a lot of different factors. What kind of relationship do you have with your child? What kind of relationship does your ex-spouse have with your child? And what kind of relationship does the future spouse have with your child?

It is absolutely imperative to not push the issue about your new spouse. Don't attempt to force your new love or your child to "get along." It won't really happen that way anyway. A new step-parent and child are going to have to figure out what are acceptable boundaries and limits for them. You can't force your child to accept your new spouse, nor can you force your new spouse to instantly like and get along with your child.

While it's great if your child and new spouse immediately bond and get along, it is extremely rare for things to happen that way immediately. The best thing you can do to promote a positive family environment and acceptance all the way around, is to allow plenty of time for your child and new spouse to get to know one another BEFORE the remarriage takes place. You simply can't introduce your child to a future step-parent one day and then get remarried the next and expect to get positive results.

If there is a conflict between your new spouse and your child, attempt to stay out of it as much as possible. Try not to take sides either way, unless your spouse is being grossly unfair or your child is being outrageously strong-willed. In most cases, it's best to try to let them work any issues out between themselves. If that simply can't be done, then it's best to consult with a family therapist to help make healthy rules for the family.

Remarriage is going to be difficult on children, even if they adore your new spouse. Whether they have a good relationship with their biological parent or not, they may feel resentful or even afraid that they are going to lose the other parent or even you. Make it clear before the remarriage occurs, that no one is getting replaced by anyone, and don't expect your child to shift their loyalties to the new step-parent from the biological parent.

Give your family enough time to adjust to the idea of you getting remarried before it actually takes place, and then allow time afterward for all of you to adjust and learn to be a positive family unit. If you find that the adjustment period seems to be taking too long, and your family time begins to feel like a "war zone," then family therapy may be a good option.

Remarriage definitely affects children- if it's sudden, if they have a difficult relationship with their biological or absent parent, or if they are insecure- they can become afraid of losing you, their other biological parent, and even become afraid of getting their step-parent's disapproval.

No two children are going to view a remarriage of one parent or the other in the same exact way, so it's best to be attuned to all of your children's feelings and needs, encourage communication and honesty, and make a conscious effort to have a positive family environment. Remarriage is difficult when children are involved- simply stay open-minded, listen to your children, make every effort to communicate and allow honest communication on all sides, and you'll all come through the adjustment period just fine.