Remembering the Littlest Ones: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

If you're like me, you didn't know that there was even such a thing as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day¹...until such a loss affected you or someone you love. There's not a lot of fanfare. No "awareness games" on Facebook. There may be a fund raising walk or two, but they aren't highly publicized. Last October I was in the midst of a molar pregnancy and it's ending, unaware of anything but my own pain. But as I began my recovery, digging into the subject of miscarriage was part of the healing process and it led me to the reality that many other broken-hearted women are out there, having experienced a similar loss.

Somehow, even in our wide-open, tell-it-all American culture, miscarriage is still a largely quiet loss. It is such an intensely personal and intimate loss that it's understandable that many don't want to open up. There is also the fear that others will not understand, and the knowledge that there are too many people in the world willing to spout ridiculous nonsense which they think is comforting ("Well, at least it wasn't a real baby yet." or "There must have been something horribly wrong with the baby. Better to lose it now than have it born with something wrong.") And in the reverse, because each woman is an individual and reacts differently to miscarriage and infant loss, it's almost impossible to say anything without a reasonable fear of driving the knife deeper into her heart. So the silence persists, although not as strongly now.

Furthermore, so many aspects of miscarriage and infant loss are in the murky category of "unknown". Although about 1 in 4 ² known pregnancies end in miscarriage, we do not know truly how many losses occur before pregnancy has even been diagnosed. We know so little about why miscarriages occur. In many cases, even the medical professionals can't say anything more solid than "It's just one of those things. Maybe a genetic anomaly. Who knows? Don't worry about it, though, you'll have better luck next time." We know there are risk factors, and getting pregnant with one or more of those factors requires accepting risk. But what of all the women with no known risks, no known diseases or disorders..."Bad luck" is hardly a comforting answer.

In the instant, ever-available global forum known as the Internet, grieving women have found each other and shared their stories. Mommy-bloggers who lay out the nitty gritty moments of motherhood have flayed their hearts and chronicled their journeys of loss (and healing) for their readers. As we seek comforting words, and rely on our own experience to comfort others, we begin to pull away the shrouds of silence and awkwardness that surround these types of losses. Even men, the fathers of these babies, have begun to open up about how such losses affect them. Perhaps with this openness, the tendency for losses like these to shred marriages will lessen, as couples gain understanding of each others' grieving process and learn that they are not alone in the tensions they feel between them after the death of a baby. This digital highway also provides hope for answers to questions about why miscarriages occur and what can be done to prevent them. As women find answers, they pass them along, handing off hope and possibility from one to another.

We will always carry our babies with us in our hearts. October 15th is a day when we can join our voices and make ourselves known to others who are mired in the pain of loss and need to be comforted, encouraged, and lifted up by the hands of those who know what it is to lose a baby.

¹Pregnancy And Infancy Loss Remembrance Day, Krissi Danielsson, about.com
²Early Pregnancy Loss, Elizabeth E. Pushcheck, MD, EMedicine/WebMD