Remembrance

^{"For winter's rains and ruins are over,
And all the season of snows and sins;
The days dividing lover and lover,
The light that loses,
the night that wins;
And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins."
~ Algernon Charles Swinburne}

It had been a long winter. Night after cold night Victoria found herself sitting by her small fireplace in her quaint apartment, legs curled up under her red plaid blanket, staring at static on the TV screen. Nothing seemed right anymore. There was an emptiness that just wouldn't go away. Some nights she would take a bottle of red wine under that blanket with her, taking swig after swig until she believed there really was something playing on that screen. Her temporary happiness built up in her along with that warm, wobbly feeling that took over her body. Once that wore off, she felt barren once again.

Victoria found comfort in the white noise that would play on her old transistor radio. She got it from her grandmother Lucille. While Lucille was only an hour drive away, Victoria never got up the strength to visit her, or any of her family for that matter. Part of her just didn't have the energy and part of her knew that she might have to face talking about what happened. The less she had to think about it, the better.

She hadn't really spoken much to anyone in weeks, maybe months. The only person who really knew her anymore was Rico from the liquor store. Many a night she refused his offer to spend the night at his place, though at times the idea of having someone to spend the night with almost seemed inviting. But she knew better and would kindly refuse, taking her change and saying "Maybe some other time" before quickly exiting and driving down that long windy road back to her cabin home.

Her home was bare. No pictures on the walls. No candles, no flowers, no kitschy decor, no elegant drapery, no throws, no pillows. Nothing. Her bedroom consisted of a bed and a nightstand. The less she had to surround herself with, the better. Empty. Empty. Empty. No sense in just feeling empty when you can actually live an empty life. At least that way there was no pretense.

Victoria walked into her living room and threw her keys under her couch so she wouldn't get any ideas to go on a long drive, or drive at all for that matter. She lit her little fireplace and sat in front of it. She stared at the burning embers. She could feel the flames near her face as if she was descending into hell. In a sense, she was. But she had already been there and back. Now she was just in limbo with nowhere to go and nothing to do but wait, no emotions to feel, no thoughts to have. Nothing.

She awoke with a start once she realized that the fire had started to burn out. She looked at the clock on her wall, the only item hanging there. 3:00 am. She arose with a start and grabbed her bottle of red and took to the couch. Once situated she turned on her TV and stared at the static before her. Part of her did it out of habit. Part of her did it because she'd rather have some noise rather than hear nothing at all. And the part of her that she didn't want to admit to did it in hopes of hearing something. A sign, perhaps. But it never came. So she swigged from her bottle and let go of everything. In a few hours she'll wake up and the day will start over again. Exactly the same.

Victoria awoke one of those cold winter mornings to something unexpected. Birds were chirping outside her window. Flowers were in full bloom. It was a picturesque image of a landscape in spring. Victoria blinked to adjust her eyes to the image before her eyes. But it was not merely an image. Somehow in her slumber winter had turned to spring. Victoria stared, transfixed at the sight before her eyes. She placed her hand to her stomach. She had forgotten what life looked like.

Finally Victoria awoke from her catatonic state and realized how late she had slept. She threw her blanket off her shoulders and got ready for another monotonous, lonesome day. She left the house to attend to her usual routine. She would step outside, leave her door unlocked (what's left to steal anyway?) get in her red Ford Bronco and drive up the winding road on which her house was situated unto further uncharted territory. Each day she would drive just a little more, deeper and deeper into no man's land. The calm desolate roads and barren wastelands where life may have once existed came as a sort of comfort to Victoria. And her daily drives had made her feel complacent -- almost fulfilled, even.

Since she had taken an extended absence from work, she had all the time in the world to drive into nothingness. And on this day she set on her usual travels. After locking the door behind her Victoria leapt into her truck and began driving. When she arrived at the end of her driveway, she was confronted with a choice. Turn right for solitude. Turn left for life. She never second guessed it, she always turned right. But today something came over her. Maybe the sun was blocking her vision, but as she pulled her visor down in an attempt to block out its shining, welcoming rays, she turned left.

She found herself driving through town. Children were leaving the elementary school she herself had once attended and were heading home. Townsfolk were visiting local independent stores and coffee houses. Everyone seemed to be laughing and smiling, as if it were the first day of their lives. At a stoplight she noticed the neighborhood barber, a friend of her father's standing outside his shop. He noticed her and greeted her with a warm smile and waved. Nothing more than a happy, convivial face. No remorse. No obligation. No facade. The light turned green and she returned the gesture. Her stomach jolted as if there was motion and she continued to drive.

When everything seemed to quiet down Victoria glanced at the time. It was going on 4:00. Though spring had arrived, by 5:00 it would most likely start to get dark again. All signs of life would retreat. She had better start back to do some more exploring and make sure to be at Rico's before he closes shop. She turned around and headed back to familiarity. But as she reached her old elementary school again she noticed something new. A sign of some sort, with bright letters and crude drawings of balloons and fireworks. A carnival, of some sort. Victoria vaguely recalled a Welcoming Spring Festival her school would hold each year, but it seemed to be such a thing of the distant past that she couldn't recall if she had ever even visited it herself. Before she could command any control of her steering wheel or her thoughts, Victoria had entered the school parking lot.

Evening fell upon the town and a beautiful sunset was visible right over the school grounds. It added a gorgeous backdrop to the fun and fanfare that the carnival created. Victoria walked around as if she had just learned how to. Children ran past her, littering the grounds with candy and popcorn. She wasn't sure she could handle all the animation surrounding her and felt that maybe it would be best to leave. But as she was about to make her exit, something caught her eye. Elephants. Beautiful, elegantly crafted elephants spinning around slowly in a circle. She was magnetized to them. Without moving she found herself in front of them. And standing there, she found herself transported to another time.

It was the spring of her 10^th year. Victoria loved springtime, not only because it meant that the time had come for the annual Welcome Spring Festival. Her mother warned her not to dirty up her brand new white stockings, but she never listened. With tears in her tights and dirt on her white dress adorned with little pink roses, her favorite, she ran to the elephants. It was always the first ride she would go on. The first, second and last. At home she would spin for hours and hours, nothing brought her more joy. Her bedroom was decorated with elephant paintings, elephant bed sheets, elephant lamps and elephant stuffed animals. "They never forget," she would explain to her mother. It was why she loved them so much, she could tell them her every secret. Her every dream, her every wish and they would never forget it.

Victoria glanced at the elephant hanging from her keys. How could she have forgotten? She stared again at the joyous faces riding the elephants. They looked just as they always had. She felt her eyes begin to well up, just as they would on the last day of the carnival when she would have to say goodbye to the elephants until the next year. She never wanted it to end. That spring on the last day of the carnival she explained to her mother that when she grew older, she would take her daughter to the carnival and make sure she always rode the elephants. And when she became rich, she would have her own carnival with tons of elephant rides. The thought of it was enough to hold her over until the carnival came around again the following year.

Victoria couldn't hold back anymore. The warm water trickled slowly down her cheeks. The ride came to a stop and as she looked the elephant straight in the eye, she couldn't help but feel a smile creep upon her face. She placed her hand to her stomach; her name would have been Rosa. Time caught up to her and she realized it was getting late. She had to go, but she knew she'd be back. Maybe not soon, but she would return. And maybe not alone.

She got in her truck and composed herself. It was time to get her bearings together and go home. Before she put her keys in the ignition, she held the elephant key chain in her hand. She placed a kiss upon its head before cupping it in her hands and whispering something into it. Now it would never forget, and neither would she. And so she started her long journey home. But again, just as before, when the time came to exit the parking lot, she turned right.

Victoria parked her car in the driveway. She walked up to the door and lightly rubbed her elephant between her fingers. She felt herself at the doorway. She placed one finger on the doorbell and pressed it. She felt her fingers touch the doorbell. She heard its ring. Everything was real. She was about to turn away, until the door opened. She stood face to face with her grandmother. She stared at the familiar rose brooch placed upon her right breast. She smiled at the elephant pendant resting just above her chest. They looked at each other and smiled, tears not of sadness running down their faces. "Welcome home," Lucille said, embracing Victoria before leading her into the house.