Renewing Your Child's Faith in Love and Marriage

"I'm never getting married! Most marriages don't work," my stepson Adam said to his father and me one day as we shared some quiet family time at home. Although I knew he didn't mean the first half of his statement (Adam is about as family-oriented as they come), I could tell by his closing remark that he was doubtful of his ability to create a lasting marriage. However, the mere fact that Adam is a child of parents who are now divorced made it difficult for my husband and I to come up with a good counterargument right on the spot.

My first inclination was to become defensive. "Well your father and I are happy!" I proclaimed, feeling almost slighted by his remark. But what I couldn't see right away was that Adam wasn't looking at the success of his parents' marriages with their current spouses. He was looking at the failure of their marriage to one another, and the many similar examples that exist in society today.

After taking time to gather my thoughts and reflect on this, I concluded that there are some things that divorced parents can perhaps say, do or avoid in order to reduce the likelihood that their children will develop a negative view of holy matrimony.

Never blame the other parent for the divorce.

Even if you believe that your ex was the sole cause of your marriage's demise, the reality is that you chose to marry him or her, so you played a role in the outcome. It usually takes two to make or break a relationship. If your children are old enough to understand, you may want to offer some general perspectives on why your marriage didn't work. Statements such as "We married young and were both too immature to understand how serious marriage is," or "We didn't try hard enough to make our marriage work" give your children food for thought and may even stimulate dialogue from which they can learn how to make wise decisions about relationships and marriage later on in life.

Counter unrealistic media portrayals of marriage with heart-to-heart discussions.

The media has a tendency to paint a black-or-white picture of marriage. Either a couple spends each day floating in a sea of marital bliss or their marriage is doom and gloom. Most healthy marriages have both ups and downs but consist of two people who are willing to work through the trying times together. I explain to my own stepchildren that in some ways, a marriage is much like other familial relationships. Sometimes you will argue. Sometimes you will get on each other's nerves. Sometimes you won't find each other very entertaining. Sometimes you will make mistakes. Feelings come and go, but your commitment to each other should remain unchanged. Once a child can comprehend this, they will be much better prepared to deal with the realities of a serious love relationship.

If you have developed a negative view of love and marriage based upon your own experiences, don't verbalize this to your children.

Instead, focus on your own healing. I once heard a woman say to her very young son, "All men are dogs. You're gonna be a dog just like your father!" What type of message does this communicate to a child? Your children deserve to be able to look forward to finding that special someone and settling down when the time is right. They should not develop the notion that they are destined to have a series of unsuccessful relationships. If you are carrying too much emotional baggage, however, you will not only make it hard for your children to believe in love but you will also set yourself up to repeat a vicious cycle of unhealthy relationships.

Teach your child what a healthy relationship is and what it is not.

If you don't really know what a healthy relationship is, you can first receive counseling yourself and then slowly begin to share tidbits of important information with your children. Once they learn that there are marked distinctions between healthy relationships and unhealthy ones, they will be less likely to have a black-or-white view of marriage and make poor choices. They will be able to steer clear of toxic relationships or end them before they become too serious.

Don't bring everyone you date around your children.

If your love life is a revolving door, your children don't need to see this. Children make mental notes of just about everything when it comes to their parents. While they may not find the pattern that you have set for your life to be desirable, they may end up concluding that this is the norm. Yes, it would be good for them to date a few people before settling down, but that may not necessarily be the message that they get from watching you go through relationships like bag of chips. They may instead conclude that one never 'truly' settles down, even after they marry.

Give examples of healthy, lasting marriages to show your children what is possible.

Although you may be divorced, perhaps your parents, extended relatives or friends are happily married. Use them as positive examples of marriage so that your children will not harp on the fact that yours didn't remain intact. Grandparents (or older aunts and uncles) can be particularly instrumental in this if they have many years of marriage under their belt. If you have no positive examples to point to in your own life, you can ask your children if any of their friends' parents or relatives are happily married (you'd be surprised by how much some kids talk to each other about these things - especially once they hit puberty). Nine times out of ten they will be able to come up with at least one positive example.

Let your children know that marriage is what you make of it.

Marriages fail because of the people who are in them. They succeed for the same reason. People decide to enter a marriage, and people decide to leave. Sometimes ending a marriage is for the best, but people have the choice to stay and try to make it work or to leave. Obviously I'm simplifying this, but a good marriage can usually be attributed to much more than just luck. Let your children know the power that they have to create a healthy marriage. Educate them on the fact that this begins by being mentally and emotionally ready for marriage, by taking the decision to get married very seriously and choosing one's partner carefully, and by seeking outside help if necessary when their marriage is in trouble.

If you are happily remarried, help your children to view this as a success and not a failure.

Some people view remarriage as a symptom of a problem rather than a positive and new beginning. This may be especially difficult for children to comprehend. What child wouldn't want his or her biological parents to be together always? The dissolution of that marriage - no matter how happy a subsequent one may be - is what will stay in that child's mind until he or she matures and is wise enough to see the big picture. You can help your children with this by being genuine about your feelings. Don't try to hide your happiness from your children out of guilt over your previous failed marriage. Don't overemphasize that you are happy either. Just work on your marriage and let your children watch it develop and flourish. One day your marriage may very well be one that they look to as a positive example of all that is possible in love and relationships.