Replacing the $1 Bill with One Dollar Coins

A recent proposal to eliminate the one dollar ($1) bill has been sent to Congress. The United States Treasury Department is at it again, trying to talk some sense into Congress by eliminating the printing of $1 bills and exchanging them for $1 coins.

While Treasury thinks this might save the tax payer $5.5 billion, I would like to point out some of the hits the private sector economy would take with the elimination of this, the most common of our currencies.

1. Restaurant owners would suffer from this massive cut in income. Cheapskates all over the country will find it harder to short tips to waiters and waitresses when they fold a five dollar bill around a wad of ones, thereby keeping them from being able to eat out about 13% of the time, causing a $2.6 billion decrease in full-service restaurant revenues that will never be recovered by the restaurant owners, since cheapskatitis is for life. Waiters and waitresses will feel no effect, but will be expected to take a cut in their $2 per hour guaranteed wage.
2. Cab drivers in large cities will become nothing more than rolling coin machines, taking the personal contact out of the business altogether. This will cause cabbies in New York , Chicago , and Miami to pay attention to the streets instead of trying to make nice with their riders, both speaking languages that the other doesn't understand, for that tip at the end. A side effect will be a decrease in body shop revenues and emergency room visits, causing a permanent $3.6 billion decrease in revenues in the one, and the closure of at least one hospital in each city named.
3. The vending machine industry will be forced to re-tool over 7,000,000 machines in the United States to accommodate acceptance of the new coin, causing a dip in net income of about $2.2 billion a year for the first three years after implementation. This will give creative thinkers with tool & dye setups time to come up with unique replacements suitable for ripping off vending machines.
4. The $5 billion gentleman's club industry will be forced to convert to $2 rail tips or re-tool g-strings with coin slots. The sudden doubling in revenues for dancers will cut into alcohol revenues for the clubs, creating chaos in the industry for approximately 2 weeks, and a sudden spurt in purchasing around the country in tattoo parlors and cheap perfume stores. The added demand for the rarely-used bill bearing the likeness of Thomas Jefferson will cost the Treasury Department roughly $1.2 billion annually to retool to print these bills which have not been produced since 2004.

So please, members of Congress, take into account all of the effects before implementing this change.