Report: China Overtakes U.S. As World's Best Lovers

Americans received a wake-up call Friday morning when the Asia Pacific Society for Sexual Mastery (APSSM) released a report claiming that Chinese men and women rank number one globally in genital size, sexual technique, and overall in-the-sack performance, far outpacing their American peers.

The report, published in the most recent issue of Americans Who Have Foreign Affairs, supports recent speculation that America's propensity to out-thrust and out-maneuver its international competitors is quickly losing steam.

"It all comes down to quality education," a jubilant APSSM spokesman, Hung Very Low, said while shamelessly squeezing his crotch with his hand right, which seemed disproportionately small in comparison to his professed genital girth. "Starting at the age of 5, young Chinese boys and girls are taught to imitate the greatest porn stars of all time, including Rocco Siffredi, Marilyn Chambers, and Ron Jeremy, whom we refer to as The Chosen One."

The study also revealed that America's Gross Domestic Penis Length (GDPL), which measures the total value of all American penis lengths combined, has dropped to a record low of 700 million inches among 140 million men, while the Chinese GDPL has risen to a whopping 3300 million inches among 550 million men. This translates to per capita rates of approximately 5 inches and 6 inches, respectively, which means that the average Chinese penis is now 1 inch longer than the average American penis.

"This substantial change in penis length, at least from the Chinese perspective, can be exclusively attributed to the 1991 release of Taony the Tiger's instrumental parenting guide, What Chinese Parents Can Do To Make Sure Their Young Boys Grow Up To Have Bigger And Better Penises Than Their Stupid, Democracy-Loving Counterparts In America," Hung Low noted. "Since its release, China's GDLP per capita has been steadily rising at a rate of .05 inches per year."

According to the report, another aspect that has greatly contributed to China's sexual dominance is its sex-toy manufacturing industry, which was reformed and modernized in late 1999 by former President Jiang Zemin. Prior to 1999, most retail sex toys in China were imported from the United States. By investing in manufacturing and subsequently decreasing China's reliance on foreign sex toys, President Jiang inadvertently helped skyrocket China's sexual pride.

"What is a country without its own nationally branded sex toys?" Hung asked.

"It would be like Americans driving Japanese Hondas, Isuzus, and Mitsubishis," Hung remarked, chuckling at the audacity of such an outlandish thought.

Despite the substantial losses in genital size and sexual pride, many Americans still remain in denial. Only two hours after the report was released, republicans congregated outside the Capitol building to protest against what they referred to as "outrageous, Communist lies perpetrated by President Obama." The situation grew so out of control that House Speaker John Boehner was arrested for showcasing his boner.

"If Americans don't start facing the reality of what's happening around us, the same thing will happen to them that happened to Boehner," Professor of Sexuality Charles Leonia from the University of Alabama told reporters at a press conference immediately following the ordeal in Washington, D.C.

He continued, "We must accept the truth and then work to change the very fabric of our country if we are to ever catch back up with the Chinese. It will require investing in quality-sex education, U.S. sex toy manufacturing, and even infrastructure. Without quality roads that our children can use to drive up to Makeout Hill, how will they ever learn to screw correctly?"

Are Americans' days as the greatest lovers on Earth gone for good, or is there still a chance they can redeem their former status as masters of penetration? It's a complicated question with no clear-cut answer. Many remain hopeful, though, that the president will do everything he can to ensure America soon rises back up like an excited penis, and reclaims its place at the top.

Speaking of the president, Obama had only this to say about the report: "They may be better in the sack, and they may even have bigger penises than most of us, though certainly not me, but their balls will never be as big as ours!"