Reporting Sexual Abuse, Assault and Rape in Marriage

I remember one of my co-workers fidgeting around her husband when he would come to our workplace. She'd giggle nervously and make sure to not upset him. He'd walk around like he was the king of the Chicago retail store we worked in. I shrugged and figured that was how their marriage was; she was at the submissive level and he was sitting in the throne. But on the last day of work before I moved on to another job, we got on the topic of relationships and she admitted her marriage was having issues. One particular story surprised me the most.

Rape in Marriage

"I had a yeast infection," she explained. "So I told my husband I couldn't have sex with him because it really hurt since it was dry in that area. He pointed to me and said, 'What's yours is mine' and forced me to have sex with him."

I stared at her wide-eyed and asked her why didn't she report that her husband had raped her. She looked at me rather confused and questioned whether a husband could rape his wife.

Merriam Webster defines rape as, "unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent."

Now of course the two were both of age to be sexually intimate, but she was not giving consent, told me she cried the whole time and he was that much more forceful. She never reported it, and she stayed with him. When I asked her why would she stay with someone who was so abusive (he was beating her up, too), she said she didn't want to be alone raising children. I didn't know how to respond.

Denial of Rape

My co-worker's story reminded me of several instances during high school when girls my age would tell me they were being sexually molested by family members and one ended up pregnant by a boy who kept following her home after school. When I asked the pregnant friend why wouldn't she report the rape, she said she didn't think anybody would believe her. Regardless of whether someone else reported the situations that my co-workers and friends went through, if these ladies would not step forward, there's really nothing anyone else can do.

There is a gray area that continues to survive no matter how terrible rape is. Last year, August 28, 2009, I attended an event at the University of Chicago with documentarian Aishah Shahidah Simmons (pictured left), who created "NO! The Rape Documentary." One of the main discussions after the film ended was whether one can consider herself raped if her body is moist and seems to be giving in to sex but her mind is still saying "no." If she continues to say no but her body is acting out a "yes," is it rape?

Rape Statistics and Help

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2008, out of 9,684 adults surveyed, 10.6 percent of women were forced into sex at some time in their lives; 2.1 percent of men reported rape at some point in their lives; and 2.5 percent of women and 0.9 percent of men experienced unwanted sex in the past 12 months. Even with the 1994 Rape Prevention and Education Act, some people are either too scared to speak up because they'd be embarrassed to admit it happened to them or have convinced themselves that their partners made a mistake and won't do it again. Others shove it in the back of their minds and refuse to acknowledge the topic.

With programs like Rape Victim Advocates (RVA), located at 180 N. Michigan Ave., victims of sexual assault can have access to 24-hour, 7-day a week advisors from 12 Chicago hospitals. There's also free counseling and training.

If you would like to know more information about the RVA program or report sexual assault, contact the Chicago Rape Crisis Hotline at (888) 293-2080 or RAINN Hotline at (800) 656-HOPE.