Republicans Continue Searching for Sharia Law Despite Setbacks

Washington-A group of republicans who set out two weeks ago to once and for all discover where Sharia Law is hiding in America returned to the capital Thursday evening in defeat. Led by New York House Representative Peter King, the group had traveled to every state and searched every nook and cranny, only to ultimately come up short.

"Despite all the help we were offered by local law enforcement agencies throughout the country, and despite all our scrupulous efforts, I'm saddened to say that we have failed," Representative King told reporters early Friday morning. "I mean we literally searched everywhere-behind the beer in people's refrigerators, inside their pot bags, in their porn directories (in case it's hiding as a virus), and even inside gay bars-but we found nothing . . . absolutely nothing!"

Though Representative King has suffered a frustrating setback, he plans to pull up his britches and continue forward with the next phase of his mission. Having failed at finding Sharia Law via traditional investigative methods, King hopes to employ the assistance of alternative investigators like UFO specialists, Catholic exorcists, and, of course, the notorious Miss Cleo, who joined his team Friday afternoon.

"I may not have been able to find Rosemary's baby or that big hairy brotha who climbed the Empire State Building with that poor little white girl, what her name is, but I'll be damned if I can't find me this pesky Sharia Law," Miss Cleo muttered with a ridiculously thick accent to reporters via the phone. "By the way, what this Sharia Law thing and it got anything to do with them lawsuits against me?"

With such absolutely brilliant experts at hand, King is clearly prepared to carry on with his hunt for Sharia Law. However, he may end up not being able to continue if others have their way. Ever since the start of the search, a grass roots movement to stop the investigation has been brewing in the streets. They claim that King is being unfair by merely searching for Sharia Law, when he should, according to them, also be searching for Redneck Law as well.

They cite the case of Aladdin Hamed, a 22-year-old college student who stopped at a quaint diner while on a road trip last summer, only to be kidnapped by a group of radicalized country bandits who had come under the seductive influence of Redneck Law, and subsequently forced to engage in a bevy of sick and disgusting activities.

"It was horrible, absolutely horrible," Hamed told investigators, while wiping tears from his eyes. "They made me do all these weird things like drink this nasty beer called Busch Light, hunt a frog with this thing called a gig, make really corny jokes about black people, and swear an oath of fealty to their God, Larry the Cable Guy."

Adding to the fuel is a January 2011 terrorism statistics report in which it was revealed that since the attacks on the Twin Towers and Pentagon, only 45 people have come under the influence of Sharia Law, whereas over 80 people (including the aforementioned bandits) have come under the influence of Redneck Law.

"It is clear to us that the threat of Redneck Law is just as dangerous, if not more so, than the threat of Sharia Law," said grass roots spokesman Ellison Keith. "For every radicalized Shariast who forces women to cover their faces, there are two radicalized Rednecks who force barely legal teenagers to undress on camera so that they can later play the videos back to young, impressionable pubescent boys who foolishly believe they'll be given 72 virgins when they turn 21."

He continued, "What we need here is a thorough search that encompasses all forms of anti-American laws, including Redneck Law, which, if I may add, is likely hiding behind the cheap beer in people's refrigerators."

However, Representative King dismissed Ellison's argument, claiming that Redneck Law poses no threat to America.

"Redneck Law is a baseless fad just like the Irish Republican Army," King argued. "Sharia Law, on the other hand, is an evil boogie man entity that's hiding right underneath our beds."

BREAKING NEWS (Early Saturday): Peter King has just discovered that Sharia Law has in fact been hiding up his ass the whole time. Unfortunately, the technology required to retrieve it from his ass does not yet exist.

Moral of the story: Sharia Law doesn't exist in the United States and Peter King is a hypocritical ass, in my opinion.