Requests Commonly Asked of Family Members

Few people will argue the fact that family life can become highly complicated. Aside from the love that family members share, there's often a strong desire and sense of obligation to be there for each other - literally - in good times and bad. This can prove stressful when requests for help are made that put a strain on the one who feels a need to deliver. But is it ever okay to say no?

There are three requests commonly made by family members that can lead to great stress as the one who was the receiving end of the request considers the pros and cons of saying "yes" versus those of saying "no."

Request #1: To Borrow Money or Pay Bills

This question might not always be as cut and dry as "Can I borrow $50?" Sometimes, a family member might ask for help with paying certain bills due to a personal hardship, or expect that if they go out to eat with a loved one, that person will always cover the tab. This can especially be the case if there are some members of a family who are perceived to be better off financially than other members.

Request #2: For a Place to Stay

There are instances where an adult family member will request to stay with another family member, even if that family member clearly has their hands full. For example, an adult sibling might ask to stay with their sister or brother for a while, even if the sister or brother has a family of their own to provide for. There are individuals who hold the belief that family should always be welcome - no matter what the circumstances.

Request #3: For Childcare

Many an adult has been asked to provide childcare - whether on a short- or long-term basis for another family member. A retired adult, for example, may be asked to watch their small grandchildren during the day for an unspecified period of time, or a sibling may request that their brother or sister care for their children while they take a vacation. In some cases, an adult may even request that their children be allowed to live with a family member. For some, such a request is an honor and the opportunity to spend time with and assume responsibility for the child is a welcomed one. For others, the request may come at a bad time or be unrealistic.

How each of these situations should be handled is ultimately a matter of personal opinion. But how these kinds of situations are handled can sometimes have a negative impact on the familial relationships. While saying yes because it is perceived to be the right thing to do can place a strain on the person who committed to help, saying no can create tension between family members, particularly if the person who says no is accused of being selfish, inconsiderate, or void of strong family values. Nevertheless, there are some instances in which, no matter how difficult it may seem to say no, doing so would probably be the best option.

When you simply do not have the means to deliver. If your house is already be filled to capacity with human bodies, you do not have enough money in the bank to help your family member out, or your schedule and other obligations make it virtually impossible to take on one more responsibility, it's best to say so. While you may have the best of intentions and want to say yes, in reality you know that you simply cannot come through this time. Of course, few people would say no in the case of a dire emergency, but anything short of that requires honesty. You are not a miracle maker; you can only do what you have the means to do.

When you are the automatic "go-to person" in every situation. If there are other family members who could be asked for assistance, but you're always the one who is expected to come to the rescue, it may be time to practice the art of saying no. You should not be the go-to person in each and every situation. However, some individuals pride themselves on being the dependable one - until they become overwhelmed.

When family members take advantage of you. In times of crisis, such as a serious financial hardship or major illness, family members often pull together to support the loved one in need. There are instances though in which no crisis is involved. For example, you might have a sibling that is perfectly capable of getting their own place but would rather save money by living with you, your spouse and your children while they make plans for bigger and better things. If this person elects not to help with the bills or groceries, this could create a financial strain on you and lead to feelings of resentment.

When family members use guilt to manipulate you. Family members who rattle off a list of things they've done for you over the years in order to get you to do something for them are trying to manipulate you. If they point to how much better your life is than theirs and how you've "always had it good" in order to get you to help them, they are trying to manipulate you. There are numerous ways in which families members manipulate one another for their own gain, and this can start a vicious cycle. If your intuition tells you that you are being manipulated, you should strongly consider saying no to the request - even if you have the means to fulfill it.

You must set boundaries!

A person's love for their family should never be measured by how many requests they satisfactorily fulfill. While there are some selfish individuals out there who never come through for their family members during times when their assistance is greatly needed, the average person cares enough to do what they can - within reason. Therefore, you should never feel guilty when you have to say no. Sometimes, there simply is no better or more appropriate answer that you can give.