Requiem for the Dead

It's been nearly two years now since my dad died. We were very close. As close as any father-son could be in my mind. I still think of him, and I still miss him. And, I don't think that will ever change for me.

Ever since I could remember, my dad was sick. Diagnosed with a rare disorder called Myasthenia Gravis which caused his immune system to attack his muscles, as well as having heart disease (which caused him to have numerous heart attacks) and, later, cancer, made me constantly worry about him. I loved him dearly, and I knew I couldn't bear to watch him die suddenly right in front of me. I remember many a time when he would suddenly have chest pains, causing the feeling of this warm adrenaline to quickly pump through my body. Each time, he would come out of it, and everything would be okay. Even when he had his heart attacks, he managed to weather through them, with the help of a stint or two. I thought he was invincible. He said he was invincible. But, he wasn't. I don't think I've forgiven him for that yet.

My dad smoked, and I was one of those kids that absolutely hated smoking (at the time). My friends at school at the time would joke that my things always smelled of cigarette smoke, something I was none too pleased to hear. I always tried to convince him to quit. A year before he died, he actually did. I was so proud of him. I thought that now, he would be fine, especially now since that was his only bad habit. He never drank or did anything out of sorts. Now that I look at it, I think he knew he was dying. I think he knew something was wrong with him, and he was doing everything in his power to try to live longer, to live just a little longer to see me graduate college. I also think that he knew that if he went to a doctor, he would probably be diagnosed with something terminal, and he didn't want to hear that.

It was December 2005 when he died of lung cancer. I got to spend a week with him before he died. I remember thinking that when he came out of the hospital that last time, that it would be just like any other time, and that he would simply live on like he had before. That is a mistake I'll never forgive myself for. I wish I could go back and spend that time better. I just, didn't think he would leave me. I neglected the time I had with him. I was off playing video games. In fact, in the end, I abandoned him. When he was dying, I just couldn't bear it, I just couldn't bear being around him. The person I loved the most at the time, and I abandoned him when he needed me the most.

I don't know if this is a natural reaction toward the death of a loved one. What I do know is this is how I've reacted toward every death of someone close to me. I just can't take the pain. Does that make me a coward? I don't know. But, it does make me someone who lives with a lot of regret. If this touches anyone, please learn from it. Please take the time, and the pain, to be around the one you love no matter how painful it is to watch them die. Time can heal the pain, but, I don't think time can heal the regret I carry. Only I can take that away, and that's not easy to do when it's someone so close.

In regards to death itself, I can't logically find a way that makes sense for there to be a "life" after death. And, if there is, it must solely be based from within one's own self, i.e. their own mind. So, if I do get to see my dad again, I would think that he would simply be a compilation of my memories of him and not the "real" him. He would exist with me in my dream world if you would.

However, I do not subscribe to that notion at all. For starters, I am a huge proponent of Kierkegaard's idea that it is the absurdity of belief that justifies it. Even though it is absurd to believe in life after death, I still believe it in spite of the evidence against it, and that's why it must exist. As for the exact nature of how it might operate, Jung's notion of the Universal Subconscious plays a key role in the preservation of human life after death. For example, when my dad died, his conscious self, that is the "life" that we see manifested in this reality, is dynamically shifted into the Universal Subconscious via the only mechanism we know powerful enough to propel us there, death. Like a meteorite impacting the Earth, this "dive" if you will creates a sea of emotion among all those close by, and the fallout could be his own personal subconscious being brought into the conscious world through the progression of emotion and thought we all have about him after his death. You ever wonder how you tend to get to know someone a little better after they die? I think that might be us tapping into their subconscious that has been recently revealed to us after they have dived into the Universal Subconscious.

As to whether we'll get to see them in their entirety in the Universal Subconscious we when ourselves die, I can't say for sure. I think so though. Things will be different, that's for sure. But, I believe it to be true. I have an analogy I'd like to apply here: Imagine the beginning of the universe. There was no life, so, essentially there was no universe until life came along to exist in it. I say this because if there is no life in the universe, there would be nothing to recognize the universe was even out there, so, essentially it might as well have not even existed at all. However, the instant life came along, specifically intelligent life which could somewhat understand this strange place we call home, the universe popped into existence. Now, let's apply that to the idea of death. Instead of the universe, it is now the Universal Subconscious, and instead of life, it is death. Our Universal Subconscious has been growing since the dawn of man, just like the universe, and, when we die, we finally take the last step into the next strange place.

And, Dear Dad:
I miss you