Research Studies 'Hogwash', Study Finds

An international team of researchers have completed a decades long analysis of their peers' work and the results are staggering. The report, published in the controversial science expose' magazine 'The Steaming Beaker', is a careful scrutiny of thousands of university and government projects covering a period of forty years. Their conclusion: it's all a bunch of outlandish poppycock.

In the article entitled 'Negative Findings', Dr. Cy Nick Hall, the research lead, and his team categorize all research studies into three broad areas. There are 18 percent classified in the "Who cares" column; 26 percent are labeled "Let's see how long we can drag out funding for this nonsense"; and a staggering 88 percent fall into the "Politically motivated crap" group. The study notes a standard deviation of 33 percent. Such representations have outraged the scientific community in a manner not seen since the 1985 release of the film 'Weird Science'.

Hall further drew the ire of his counterparts by publicizing what he characterizes as their "disturbing methodology". In one laboratory alone, Hall found chimps trained to mix alcoholic drinks and serve them to the staff in test tubes, lab coats with the asses cut out of them, and regular games of 'spin the Bunsen burner'. He also noted a bizarre hazing ritual in which new researchers are forced to streak as fast as they can through the laboratory yelling 'E=MC2' each time their naked flesh is struck with clipboards.

As a result, Dr. Hall and his colleagues now regularly receive death threats; carefully constructed and very boring letters outlining the detailed and sequential steps the murderers plan on taking and the statistical probability of their success. "When I'm able to remove myself from the situation and forget they've threatened to shoot me with an atom splitter, I can appreciate the time and thought they've put in these letters," said Hall. "Who knew that when they were sufficiently motivated they were capable of such quality work? Now I have to watch my back when I walk down the hall or go to Star Trek conventions. People are always whispering to each other as I go by or even shouting insults. Their new nickname for me is 'margin for error'. It's hurtful"

In contrast to his subjects' questionable practices, Hall and his team tried to ensure proper techniques during their research observations including the use of a blind control group. They were so adamant to succeed in this process they often forcibly imprisoned and sometimes tortured participants to find out if they knew in which group they fell. "I'll never forget some of the things we said and did," says Hall. "Does that feel real or does it feel like a placebo, you son of a b!t@h? Not to mention waterboarding people in the eye wash sinks. The list goes on and on. In retrospect much of that may have been unnecessary."

In the article, Hall also notes the irony of the findings and it does not escape him that he may have worked himself and countless others out of a job. "I think my next step is to start over and try something completely different. I think I'll become a teacher," says Hall. "At least in the educational system people don't lie to get government money or let political ideology and agendas influence their work. Right?"