Research on Women

Up until about the age of about 5, I believed that I was an Asian boy. Not because of my small penis, but because I didn't quite fit in with the girls, but I didn't quite fit in with the boys. Now I'm happy to say that everything fits nicely.

One day I get to thinking back on my repressed childhood memories and I think to myself "Is it me that's fucked up, or is it everyone else?" and I came to the conclusion that... Boys and girls are different. And I am here to explain how so.

First of all take a hot girl and a hot guy. The kind of girl that everyone wants to bang and the kind of guy that every girl wants to get banged by. Now, when you take a hot girl, every other girl immediately hates her...... and now here is the difference between guys and girls, if you take a hot guy, every other guy wants to be his BEST FRIEND. See, girls are bitches. They can't stand the fact that someone out there might just might be hotter than them, and if they are, they hate them.

Now don't even get me started with mind games. What is a mind game you ask? A mind game is a girl's way of getting what she wants, when she wants it, without having to ask for it and MOST IMPORTANTLY: without the other person knowing that she wants it. Yes guys, I know it's a hard concept to grasp since your minds aren't sufficiently developed to understand this power, so I will explain it to you in ways you can understand. (using small words and pictures)

For example I, (a girl) want a guy to come over to my house, let's say, an EX. Now, I know that if I were to ASK him to come over he would say no. So I have to find ways around that. So I would call him, (lets call him Dick just for shits and giggles) and I would say "Hey Dick., I was cleaning out my car and I found something of yours that you might want back. " When in reality it is something that he probably doesn't give a rats ass about. Now Dick says something like "can you drop it off" and I say something like "no I don't have gas just swing by when you get a chance". So Dick comes over to pick up his Sociology book from last semester. Now, you see what I did there? I got him to come over to my house without actually saying "come to my house" I TRICKED HIM. That way, when my friends say "Have you talked to Dick" I can say, "Yea he came over the other day", and make it seem like I didn't invite him and he came over on his own. Not THAT is a mind game. Now YOU try.

Another thing that I have learned about women is that they don't fight. Well, we don't fight like guys fight. A guy and another guy have beef, so they go outside, duke it out. Shake hands, and then continue doing whatever the hell it was that they were doing in the first place. Girls do not do that. A girl will hate another girl, but will secretly pretend to still be friends with her, and then she will talk shit about her behind her back. Then, she will get all HER friends to secretly hate the other girl. So now you have two groups of girls who secretly hate each other and talk shit, but at the same time always hang out together and act like everything is fine. I know. I don't get it either.

Another thing is that girl lie. About everything.

"Hey do you like my new haircut?"

"Yes Mary Jane I love it!!!" (Turn around and says "Omg her hair is hideous but don't tell her I told you")

Which brings me to my next point, GIRLS CAN'T KEEP SECRETS. EVER. Do you know how I know? Because I tested out this theory. When I used to work at In-n-Out, (may they burn in hell) I worked with a girl names Roxi (hi Roxi if you are reading this) one day I decided to start a rumor that Roxi was pregnant. (Don't ask) I told ONE PERSON. ONE! A GIRL!!! And guess what?!!? Three days later, Roxi calls me telling me she hates me because now everyone thinks she is pregnant. I do have to admit, it was pretty funny at the time. Actually its still funny now…. (hey Roxi, remember that one time I started that rumor that you were pregnant?)

Girls pee in groups. It's true. I can't explain it, it just is. It's completely unnecessary, but it just happens. Even if you DONT ASK ANYONE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH YOU. One girl will always ask, DO YOU WANT ME TO GO WITH YOU? And you will always say YES. Every time. I know. I don't get it either.

Girls are not as emotional as they seem. But, we are smart. We know that if we cry, you guys will give us anything we want. Because guys feel awkward and inadequate when girls cry, so they immediately metamorphose into this loving caring creature that pays attention to you and buys you stuff and spends time with you. We don't cry because we have feelings, we cry because we know you guys don't know what to do about it!!! SUCKER.

Girls are secretive about the stupidest things on earth. They can be asking something trivial like what time the library closes and make it seem like they are exchanging information on hidden missiles in Iraq. Now we don't do this because we are drama queens, we do it so that in case anyone is watching they will think "those girls look like they are discussing something important, therefore they must be important" Girls are good at making the smallest thing into the biggest deal. "BLOW OUT OF PROPORTION IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT" and it's not because we truly believe in what we are preaching, it's purely because we like the attention we get from blowing stuff out of proportion because we know that all of our friends are going to agree with us!!!!

GIRLS ALWAYS AGREE WITH EACH OTHER. ALWAYS. And it is always UNANIMOUS. There is never going to be a girl who disagrees with the rest of the group because she will immediately be cast away and shunned to the depths of hell, or worse, UNPOPULARITY! ( cue dramatic music)

Well. I am glad, and sad to say that I am a girl. However, in my defense, I would like to say the following…..

Aw fuck it. There's no excuse.

PUSSY POWER!! WE"RE IN CONTROL!! BITCH!