Resiliency, Weathering Life's Tough Times

Psychologists who study emotional development say that there is plenty to be hopeful about, because we human's are generally a resilient lot. Most of us, they say, are able to rebound from tough times. Robert Brooks, Ph.D, a psychologist at the faculty of Harvard Medical school says "To be resilient and bounce back from adversity, you must think before you act, be an effective problem solver, and learn from your successes and mistakes."

The art of resiliency is a learned skill, which uses optimism peppered with a little bit of reality as tools of the trade. Realistically speaking, we know that this life has ups and downs, and we know there isn't a darn thing we can do about it. Bad things happen. People get sick, cars crash, mental illness is part of life as well as many other adversities. Weathering stormy moments and events remind us that stress and trauma are part of life. .

What are the tools of resiliency?

*Stop wearing rose-colored glasses, and stop passing on this false "coping" strategy to your children. Psychologists say that people who end up being most successful in life are those who experienced some adversity in childhood, and watched their parents cope, or had to find ways to cope themselves.

*When something traumatic happens give yourself time to be sad, depressed and to mourn, but put a time-limit on it. Let the realities of life set you back on course. We must go back to happiness. We must go back to living. We need to provide a happy existence for ourselves and for those we love, despite the circumstances.

*Realize that you can't always fix someone else's problem, as much as you'd like to shield those you love from the "hard stuff." Giving your friends, family members and children a shoulder to cry on while they "fix" a problem is sometimes all you can do. We can rob others of their own growth opportunities, sometimes we need to step back and let life happen, good or bad.

*A tool of resiliency is feeling capable. Letting others become capable human beings on their own terms. The more we can include our children in problem-solving skills within the home, the more capable they will feel over time. If they are able to solve problems with friends or with teachers, without your aid, the stronger they become.

*The way you handle your moods are within the realm of your control. Just because something is stressing me out, depressing me or emotions are otherwise roiling out of control does not mean I have to take my feelings out on whoever is around me. My emotions are my responsibility, and I am the one who needs to own them and take charge of them.

*Adopting an optimistic attitude even when you don't really feel like it shows that we can, through the force of our own will and choices, help ourselves rebound. When we smile and laugh, we are giving our brains reason to believe that we are happy. Giving into our emotions can be appropriate at times, but sometimes it is appropriate to keep on keeping on in an optimistic manner, despite the storm.

*Stay connected and engaged. Researchers have found that those who cultivate positive and strong relationships, while seeking out meaningful activities are the most resilient. "The more capacities and connections you have, the less likely it is that the worst effects of traumatic events will permeate your life," says George Bonanno, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the Teachers College of Columbia University.

* Belonging and taking care of others creates in individuals the concept of "moral reflexes," which will help provide us with the support systems we need to find comfort and strength during times of distress.

*It is important to know our own feelings, and find others to talk to them about, but it is equally important to foster understanding of other peoples feelings and learn listening skills as well.

* Understanding that ultimately, strong relationships are by far the most important source of lasting well-being that we have. It is through our relationships that we will find the greatest motivation for bouncing back, and moving on with life.

Human beings have a natural inclination towards resiliency, the ability to recover quickly from change or misfortune, but the art must be nurtured by putting into use the learned "tools" of the trade. Buoyancy, or bouncing back, also known as resiliency will soon become a lost art in this world of terrorism and economic distress, unless we learn to nurture these innate capabilities that lie within us.

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