Resolutions for Bill Cosby - from a Concerned Student

I'm often told that I have to respect my elders, especially those whose records show that I must, at some point, aspire to their goals. You, sir, are the epitome of the American Dream: you're funny, intelligent, and loved by more people than I could ever hope to be. New Year's is around the corner, Dr. Cosby; and since your doctorate has been very clearly been put to heavy use over the years, I thought that I, merely a student of our times, could try and help you with the time honored tradition of the New Year's Resolution. Please take these suggestions as a good teacher would: lessons from a student that has taken your teachings to heart.

1. Have Leonard, Part 6 and Ghost Dad erased from all national and cultural records.

As a valued educator, I'm sure you understand the value of a good movie. Dr. Cosby, these two abhorrent excuses for family film-making sometimes make me forget that you were once the dashing lead in I Spy or the wise-cracking partner in Uptown Saturday Night. In fact, those two miserable excuses for films should have been shelved as soon as they were done in the editing bay. I wonder sometimes whether your producer thought that your television audience had been caught by your nine-year streak as America's favorite doctor and simply couldn't bear the thought of you either a) an international spy, or b) dead. In any case, it's probably within your best interests to help the country forget that you allowed yourself to be filmed doing these two monumental wastes of celluloid.

2. Renew the contract with Jell-O
The years my generation spent trying to emulate your imitable voice as you talked us into eating Jell-O! Oh, Dr. Cosby, I can't tell you how many summers I spent begging my mother to give me another one of those vanilla and chocolate-swirl pudding pops! Alas, they seem to have left the stores. . . or maybe I outgrew them? In any case, I'm sure that a proper word from you would send them back into production.

3. Buy back all rights to the Fat Albert franchise.

As much as I like Keenan Thompson (and, of course, his impersonation of you), the movie besmirched the name of Fat Albert forever. You can fix this by totally disowning that version of the movie, calling back the same cast, and finding a competent screenwriter to have it play to any audience.

4. Book a tour of King Lear with three of your former Cosby Show daughters as
Several years ago I had the privilege to see Sabrina LeBeauf play Cordelia in a Shakespeare Theatre production of King Lear. I didn't think of it immediately then, but now I realize thathte one feat you haven't yet accomplished is Shakespeare! It would be this wondrous reunion, wouldn't it? To think of you saying "Come winds! Singe my white head!" while Tempest Bledsoe and Lisa Bonet conspired to rip your kingdom to utter ruin.

5. Find a project with Sidney Poitier
The Poitier/Cosby duo of the mid-seventies was easily the most watchable actor partnership since Newman/Redford, Abbot/Costello, or Pryor/Wilder. Richard Pryor's dead, so it's up to you to re-unite with the other ambassador of Good Taste for one last ride. Call it They Call me Mr. Pudding!

6. Stop calling Julian Bond and Bruce Gordon with advice.
Dr. Bond and Mr. Gordon are actually doing things, actively, to help the people you've been busy lecturing. Please, for the sake of the organization, let them do their jobs and continue to publish academic gobbelty-gook to fourth-graders.

7. Get movie rights for the Noah routine.
It would be a last great Testament to an otherwise illustrious career.

8. Write a sequel to Fatherhood
Call it "Agedness."

9. Apologize to Eddie Murphy for ruining his career.

Twenty years ago, you reportedly told then red-hot, young, and provocative Murphy that he could not use his "filth" onstage. After a few missteps in the eighties (via your continual badgering, I'm sure,) he ran out of steam for good work and has since been the namby-pamby dancing bear you always wanted him to be. Perhaps you disliked his impersonation of you when he was on Saturday Night Live? In any case, you owe him at least a small card.

And, finally, Dr. Cosby:

10. Refrain from all special lecture engagements for one year to rethink your delivery strategy.

I thought to write you about this in 2005, but I wasn't sure then how I'd go about it. In truth, Dr. Cosby, many of us are here only to do what we're good at. You, sir, are a very funny man with many insights and gifts to give the world. None of those gifts are, Dr. Cosby, to deride an entire people from whom you came for lacking superhuman strength in bringing themselves out of the problems they've been encouraged by too many forces to stay in. You seem to have forgotten that, while "parents aren't parenting," neither were they truly equipped with the sensibility to do so. You're an educator and a philanthropist and a very, very well-educated man. You should know that verbal corporal punishment won't work for no one anymore!

Besides, none of your speeches are funny anymore.

Yours,

A Concerned Student