Resolving Kids' Conflicts

There are a lot of jobs that you expect when you make the switch from the working world to the "stay at home" world. You'll be a full time house keeper, a cook, a teacher and an accountant. If you have multiple young children, though, you'll find that your job description also has to expand to include judge, jury and executioner. Here are a few tips to manage the mini-wars that erupt between small kids.

Stay impartial

When one child is bawling and another is standing stoically, it's easy to decide who the aggrieved party really is. It's even easier when one child has a black eye and the other is innocently standing by the sidelines, right? Not quite. Even though you shouldn't overlook the greater sin, don't assume that because one child is unharmed they were the instigator. Even when dealing with kids, you need to stay true to the old adage, "innocent until proven guilty".

Implement damage control

Every mom eventually stumbles upon a situation that demands medic mode. These stressful moments call for quick thinking and a level-headed response. First and foremost, stay calm. Hold back any desire to immediately punish the child you think is at fault, and focus your attention on the injured one(s). This will not only make the injured child feel better about the whole ordeal, but it will be much easier to get to the bottom of what happened when no one is crying.

Cross examine the witnesses

Now that you've successfully fulfilled the role of emergency medic, it's time to become a detective. Take each child, youngest to oldest, to another room and ask them for their version of what happened. You should never question a child with their siblings present. Your other children, especially older ones, may interrupt them to offer "corrections" to the story. During the cross examination, don't mention punishments or guilt. Focus on finding out what was happening before, during and immediately after the fight.

Determine guilt and punishment

Although you've had plenty of time to step back from any kneejerk punishments, you should have your children sit quietly while you mull over the situation. Take about five minutes to decide who should get what punishment and how long it will last. Don't take too long, though. The longer you take to hand down your verdict, the more impatient your children will become and the less effective the punishment will be.

Deliver the verdict

While all the children are still sitting quietly, calmly tell each child what their punishment will be. They will probably be tempted to talk back and protest. If and when this happens, gently remind them that their punishment is a statement, not a question, and they don't need to share their opinion about it. It's great to keep an open line of communication with your children, but they'll eventually need to learn that not every situation is a negotiation. They might as well learn that now.

Carry out the punishment

Whatever punishment you choose should be carried out immediately, and the situation that caused it should not be discussed again. As tempting as it may be, the incident shouldn't be shared with your partner when the kids are around. They've already been punished, and bringing on the Wrath of Dad may very well undo any benefit of the correction they received earlier.

Don't worry if you don't handle every situation perfectly, every time. If you stay calm and take care of their most immediate needs first, you'll help your children learn and grow from even the most stressful conflicts.