Respect for Babysitter is as Important as Respect for Parents

Q: I am attending college and I have 3 siblings - all under age 10 - and my parents expect me to baby-sit them anytime they want to go out. The problem is my mother does not discipline the children. She says no at first, but if they pester her enough she eventually gives in. When I put my foot down and say no while babysitting I stick to my guns. But then she comes home and not only lets them do what they want, but will tell me off right in front of them. I have almost no authority with my siblings and I end up punished because I cannot control them. What can I do?

A: Well, the first part of this, disciplining the children, you seem to have well under control. YOU stick to YOUR guns and children will learn they cannot get away with their bad behavior - at least while you are in charge. Children learn very quickly with whom they can get away with what- you've heard the "go ask your mother" routine? That is because dad doesn't know what mom would answer and rather than cause a non-unified incident he simply tells them to ask their mother - or he doesn't want to be the bad guy and say no. Either way it shows the children that they cannot be told no by one parent and then sneak off to the other parent who will say yes.

Of course, this only works when both parents have authority! You, unfortunately, do not. When you put your foot down I'm sure the kids just tell you "you are not the boss of me" and do what they want anyway. Most kids recognize someone taller than them as having authority over them, like dogs in training, you want to stand taller than them so they know you are alpha, but your mother scolding you in front of the kids is what is doing the damage. You need to sit down with your parents and explain how hard it is for you to baby-sit. Don't make any accusations at first, just tell them that you are having a hard time getting the children to behave when you are babysitting and that you have some ideas how to improve this. If your mother starts attacking you get up and walk away; then try to have this conversation with your father only. Sometimes coming from spouse speaks louder than from child.

Before you sit down to talk with your parents make a list of things that are going wrong and possible solutions. The very last thing you should mention is the scolding of you by your mother in front of the kids. You want this last because then you save the "I blame you for this" until last - and it will be the last thing you discuss so that it stays in your mother's mind. If you don't come into the meeting with guns blazing you will find your parents much more open to options and change. It will also show your maturity level - something your parents may not be seeing and by dropping accusations you will continue to promote that view of you as "their little girl". Take the time to come up with problems and solutions that both you and your parents can work on together. Worse case scenario tell your parents you cannot baby-sit so much anymore if they cannot help these children respect you as an adult.