Respect in Both Professional Life and Personal Life

We all know not to be late to an interview. We all know to be ten minutes early on the first day of work. We all know not to keep the client waiting at the restaurant and to make sure to pay the bill later. We all know that we should call in sick rather than just not show up (whether you're really sick). We all know to hand in the letter of resignation with two weeks' notice.

Many viable professional traits are woven into these simple actions: responsibility, punctuality, prudence. But at the core of it all, as human beings, there is one thing we want reciprocated: respect.

You wouldn't be late to work, so why should you ever be late with friends? Do you respect your boss and your co-workers more than you do your friends?

You might say that friends should think it's okay to be late (almost all the time) with friends. After all, you're friends, right? You should be able to relax around each other after being in a stressful work environment. Friends should forgive each other even though one of them is late time after time, right? You don't need to follow the typical rules of responsibility, punctuality, prudence, and respect with your friends as you would in a professional setting, right?

I don't know. You can shirk those typical rules if you want, but I'll tell you that you don't give your friends the respect friends deserve.

I despise generalizations, but I believe this is particular to American youth. In Costa Rica, they have something called tico time, which basically runs fifteen minutes or so after real time. If you say you'll be there in half an hour, you can expect to be there in forty-five and no one will say anything because Costa Rica is that kind of relaxed country. America is not. Asians have something they call "Asian time," which they use as an excuse to be late when they go out with friends. It's not an Asian thing. It's an Asian American thing. When I was studying in Japan, my Japanese friends always met where we agreed to meet. One time, not having been in Japan for a month yet, my American friends and I were debating whether or not our Japanese friends would show because it had suddenly started to rain. Our Japanese friends were there. Before we were. When I was studying in Sweden, the Swedes never made us wait. We Americans made them wait quite a few times.

It's okay to make friends wait, but you should at least let them know.

For example, one time, some friends were supposed to come over to hang out with me for the weekend. The original plan was for them to arrive in time for brunch. That changed, but one of them called and said they would be up here in time for lunch. Fine. The day we were scheduled to have lunch together, I was looking up information on the restaurant they wanted to eat at. Because I wasn't sure whether or not they wanted to eat there for lunch or dinner, I called them to ask. It was only then that they told me they wouldn't arrive until mid-afternoon.

Were they planning on calling me?

Changing plans time after time is already disrespectful enough, but it was I who had to call them to find out that they would be late because they woke up late. I was waiting on them to eat lunch. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but had I not called in time and found out that they wouldn't be arriving until mid-afternoon, I would've missed a chance to have lunch with my family, which I don't always have the opportunity to do nowadays.

This is obviously not the end of the world and nothing to hurt a friendship over, but think about it more broadly and abstractly. One day, we're not going to be kids anymore. We don't even need to talk about the time we'll be so busy with our soaring careers that we need to schedule two months ahead just to carve out an hour's lunch for each other. Let's talk about the college days. College students love to be busy; either that, or extremely lazy. I happened to belong to the former group. What do you think happens when you're twenty minutes late for your one-hour lunch break that happened to coincide with your friend's? How do you suppose the other person feels when you cancel on them the day of when that other person obviously cleared their schedule for you? Of course, it's unavoidable if you have a family emergency or if you get sick.

Professors rarely assign surprise projects and expect them to be done within a few days (the American higher education system loves rigid structure), so you can't tell your friend that you suddenly have homework. Telling them you forgot you had homework might be even worse. It makes you look forgetful and stupid. Don't make plans when you don't know what your plans already are.

You might have to study for an exam, but you know when your exams are (especially if you don't like to look forgetful and stupid) and if you have particular study habits, don't make plans that conflict with study time.

What irks me is that I know my friends wouldn't be so careless with work or school, so why should we (they) be so careless with each other (me)? Well, actually, some friends are careless in either case. That's why you stop trying to hang out with those.

I might sound like a querulous kid, but you can't say you can't empathize with me. You've never been stood up by a friend? You've never had to wait for a friend to show?

On the other hand, of course I'm not perfect, and yes, I have been late meeting up with a friend (I can think of specific occasions), and I might've even forgotten to call once or twice (can't think of any specific occasions here, but I'll just assume I have so I can give myself a reason not to be too disappointed with my friends the next time they forget to call). But I am someone who has gone halfway across the world to see friends. More than once. I am usually the one initiating e-mail conversations to small groups of friends proposing a reunion whenever everyone's free. I've been told that I'm excellent at keeping in touch.

Why do I do all this? Because I respect my friends. And as disappointing as they are sometimes, I know my life would be a lot grayer without them.