Restricting Sex in a Relationship

Have you ever had a girlfriend who refused to have sex with you until you washed the dishes or got a better job or until you proposed? Or, have you stopped having sex because you don't like the way your girlfriend dresses in public? Unfortunately, controlling a relationship through sex is common. But at what point does this go too far?

Restricting sex because of major relationship issues can actually be beneficial. For example, perhaps you and your mate are engaged and you wish to wait a few months before your wedding in order to be intimate. If both parties agree, this can actually benefit the relationship by allowing you to focus on deeper issues within the relationship and to learn non-sexual forms of intimacy. Learning how to communicate with one another without relying on sex can give you valuable skills that will come in handy during later years when you have busy schedules and find less time for sex.

At other times, the withdrawal of sex can be related to a specific boundary issue. For example, when couples are deciding whether or not to continue a relationship, a partner may decide to be celibate until a mutual commitment is made. A woman may decide that she does not wish to be physically intimate while the man she's with is dating other women. This type of boundary is healthy and does not involve a bid for control. Rather, it is a way to protect oneself from unnecessary pain and attachment when the relationship is being established.

However, if you have a mate who decides that he won't sleep with you unless you get a promotion or change the way you dress in public, this is not an issue of safety or improving the relationship. It's about control. In essence, your partner is saying that your normal way of being is unacceptable and that until you comply with his wishes, he will not find you desirable.

The key lesson here is that your desirability has nothing to do with whether you dress the right way, have the right job, come home at the right time of day, or any other superficial thing. If you allow your mate to control you in this way, you are inviting them to decide how you will be for the entire length of your relationship. It won't stop at clothes or jobs or curfews; your mate will feel free to tell you what to do in every area of your life if you do not "behave".

If you feel this relationship can improve, then talk to your partner and be open about how you feel. Let him or her know that you feel that withdrawing sex is a form of manipulation and you don't wish to participate in that. If the other person wants to give you positive suggestions and encouragement, that is fine, but that you will not put yourself in a position to be used. You may feel comfortable talking to them about why they feel the need to use sex as a way to control your behavior. Perhaps your partner had a controlling parent and does not know another way to communicate.

It is possible that your partner may not understand why this kind of manipulation is dangerous to a relationship. In that case, you can examine whether or not you wish to continue dating this person at all. Allowing someone to dictate your behavior builds resentment and anger and destroys the foundation of your relationship. How can there be true love if your partner does not accept you as you are? Respecting yourself is more important than coddling a partner who wants to manipulate you.