Revamped - a Movie Review

Revamped is a 2008 direct to video horror movie starring Jeff Rector as Richard Clarke. Richard is businessman who discovers his wife is cheating on him so he decides to get his revenge by becoming a vampire. He quickly discovers being a vampire isn't that fun when he finds himself in the middle of war between humans and vampires. Warning: my review contains plot spoilers.

This has to be one of the worst "B" movies I have ever seen. I don't know how I managed to watch the whole movie without using the fast forward button. I am a fan of "B" movies but this one seriously stinks. Don't waste your time unless you are curious to see what once famous actors have to act in just to pay their bills. I almost thought I was watching an episode of VH1's Where are they now?

The entire story line is boring, inconsistent, and not very original. The movie starts with Richard celebrating his wedding anniversary by himself. At first I thought maybe he was a widow but then Richard opens a credit card statement full of hotel room charges. Richard is shocked to learn that his wife is cheating on him. What? Perhaps he should have seen the first clue that she is never home. Richard is so in love with absentee wife of one year that he tries to commit suicide. After that doesn't work, he answers a late night TV advertisement by vampires. Richard now has the bright idea of becoming a vampire to get revenge on his cheating wife. After writing her out of his will in less then a day (he most have a great lawyer), Richard invites a sexy vampire named Lilith into his home. He is instantly in love and promises to be with her forever. I am assuming Lilith is suppose to be a sexy vampire. She really just looked like a 50 year old ex-porn star.

Lilith bites Richard and he dies. He cheating wife is distraught at the funeral but even more distraught after learning she was written out of the will. I guess it is standard procedure for the lawyer to read the will during visitation. Anyway, next up is the first washed-up actor guest appearance: Kato Kaelin. Kato is the boyfriend of Richard's cheating wife. So Kato really is an actor and not just a moocher of the stars? Richard's wife decides to have him cremated since she is now broke. I was excited for a moment because I thought the movie was over with. But nope, fast forward to five years later. Richard's ashes get spilled on three dead guy's blood and that somehow has the power enough to regenerate Richard. The director could have done a little better at explaining that miracle.

There is more storyline but it is so lame. Basic summary, humans know about vampires and have created a police force to kill them all. Terrorists created a virus that turns human into half vampires. The "real" vampires want to kill all humans and half vampires. Richard is on a quest to find Lilith but decides to help the half vampires along the way. There are several small storylines thrown in that really are just annoying distractions. Richard stops a major vampire uprising but his girlfriend gets killed along the way. He then grouses about how life sucks the end. Oh wait, lets have a stupid bar scene showing that there is still a vampire problem just in case a producer can raise enough money for a sequel.

The only entertaining aspect of the movie was picking out my favorite actors from the 80's. Martin Kove, the baddie from the Karate Kid movies, plays a detective. Sam Jones, the best Flash Gordon ever, plays the head of the vampire hunters. Even reminiscing about My Chauffeur wasn't enough to save this movie. I give the movie 0 out of 5 stars.