Review: Big Brother 9

I've been watching Big Brother since the first season, when it premiered in the shadow of the first Survivor. That season the producers treated the show as a "social experiement", not as the cynical grouping of annoying twentysomethings that Big Brother would become. Rather than mix things up and find ways of pitting contestant against contestant, they simply allowed the group to exist happily and each of the group seemed sad when one had to leave.

Of course, this would never work in the wake of Richard Hatch and the Survivor paradigm, in which each reality show started to "cast" for maximum effect, both in ratings and conflict.

Big Brother soon started to scale back on the not so attractive people and the older people, and managed to create probably one of the top five reality show contestants of all time in Dr. Will, a guy so obnoxious that he seemed certain to be evicted, but played the game so well that he wound up sneaking his way through to the finish.

Big Brother would never be as entertaining again. Blame the blonds, boobs, and bods effect. For the past several seasons, the show seems to be aiming straight for the 20 something crowd, recruiting attractive but fake looking and vacant bimbos and himbos to fill the contestant slot, usually filling a slot or two with a token minority and a "older" person.

Big Brother 9 is more of the same. After spending about 3 minutes with the new crop of contestants, I wanted to smack them all. The contestants are:

Alex -- 24 -- is most likely to say he's "in the house!!!!!!!!" being as he's a DJ, who doesn't want to tell people he "owns his own company." Oddly, this company doesn't show him as an owner, and says it has been in business for nearly a decade.

Chelsia -- 21-- is a kind of attractive blond with a bit too much redneck eye makeup, who is most proud of her tattoos and piercings all over. No doubt that CBS is hoping that she'll expose some of them.

Natalie -- 28 -- is a religious "bikini barista" who appears to take both things seriously given the fact that her boobs were pushed so close together that I thought they might change places during the show. And she spent the entire show with a wide-eyed glazed look that suggested that she drank two double espressos for every one she made. Still, you have to love anyone who is so desperate for attention that she goes for a cheap laugh by letting people know she's from the Beaver State.

Adam -- 29 -- looks like the love child of Jon Favreau and Ian Ziering. He's a bit creepy in that he never seems to blink. He's a PR executive. Methinks he's going to have to call on those skills to stay in the house.

Sheila -- 45 -- is a former Penthouse Pet who is the token "Cougar" in the house. She's a bit long in the tooth compared to the others, but here's guessing that they're hoping she'll do a bit of nude modeling for the BB9 cameras.

Sharon -- 24 -- claims to have been in a relationship with the love of her life, a guy she met when she was in her early teens, who cheated on her and in a BB twist, is now in the house with her. She's currently working "as a realtor and a restaurant hostess". Guess the housing market really has taken a turn. She's annoying, but not annoying enough to be noticed.

Jacob -- 23 -- is Sharon's ex. He's super macho dude with some seriously stupid looking hair gel curl bangs in his promo photo. Like his ex, annoying, but not enough to be noticed.

James -- 21 -- is the token freak, with his dyed mohawk and his goal to ride his bicycle around the world. Oddly enough, he's one of the least annoying in the house so far.

Allison -- 28 -- is a pharmaceutical sales rep. She must have slipped me some Valium because I don't remember anything about her.

Parker -- 26 -- is a papparzzo with TMZ and hair that looks like an Outback Bloomin' Onion. That's his only distinguishing feature.

Ryan -- 27 -- is in the game in cahoots with his girlfriend Jen, who is a hottie. It was kinda funny to see that the two were NOT paired together, and Ryan may spend much of the show with a pained expression on his face that some other guy's sleeping with his woman.

Jen -- 26 -- also likes her piercings and tattoos. Her pairing with Parker in the game might prove interesting.

Neil -- 29 -- is a gay man who is also a realtor. Again, didn't register.

Joshuah -- 25 -- is also gay, and made the biggest impression with his name, which seems to have one too many vowels.

Amanda -- 23 -- is a paralegal, and someone should sue her for having the most annoying voice on the show. The guys were falling all over her "awesome" bod, which seemed absolutely average (and maybe a bit pudgy) to me. Because I find her annoying, she'll be on the show quite awhile.

and finally.... Matt -- 23 -- is a roofing contractor who loves himself quite a bit and fancies himself a ladies man and a looker. To me he looks like Ben Stiller's uglier younger brother.

While the cast seemed uniformly plucked from Reality Central Casting, I have to admit that I found this year's premise intriguing. Pairing up complete strangers (for the most part) and making them work together as "couples" to win the game. Even the first Head of Household challenge was interesting, having the couples hug each other close while suspended over a bed to see who could hold on the longest.

Still, I couldn't help but think the game would be more interesting if the show mixed up its cast a little more. A bunch of white kids, one black guy, and a "cougar" doesn't exactly mix it up. If you're going to pair people up, why not put people together who aren't a good match and see what happens.

And while we're at it, the Big Brother production budget is still about 50 cents, even 9 seasons into it. Can't the producers afford to spring for $1 million dollars as the top prize?

Big Brother 9 has gotten off to a slightly boring but promising start. The producers will inevitably mess it up by tinkering with this twist, but it may be one of the more enjoyable seasons of the show in some time.