Review Of Byron Katie's "The Work" and Steps Implemented

To assume; according to the Encarta dictionary it is to "suppose something, to accept that something is true without checking or confirming it."

Assumption or to assume is an act that comes nearly second nature to us human beings. It seems sort of funny in a way. We assume, if we have a few similarities of likes or dislikes with another person that we are compatible as friends, associates or even in relationships or as marriage partners. The moment we find one or two items that are not of similarity of a like or dislike, we tend to automatically (at least mentally if not in an obvious manner) categorize a person or group of people in our assumptions, as no longer compatible or fitting to be a friend, partner, associate or even as a marriage partner -because some how they no longer are in agreement with our thinking and we assume they "should" be. Looking at it from a clear perspective, it is a bit humorous and we can even see the reality of how we have maybe made choices based on lack of clarity due to this silliness and even ended these friendships or relationships out of angry moments, which were our ego, controlled thoughts because we happen to differ on a topic.

But just for fun, and for the sake of not just believing that statement in one fell swoop, but exploring it for ourselves, let's look at it a little further, shall we?

What is it we tend to do in general as humans? We assume. We assume we are liked if we receive a compliment. We assume we are disliked if receive a criticism. However, on both occasions we could merely as ourselves, is it true? Is it really true I am liked, just because I have been complimented? No, I can't know that -I merely received a compliment; this much is true. Is it really true I am disliked, just because I have been criticized on a topic? No, I can't know that - I merely received a criticism on a topic. I cannot know the heart or mind of another person in either situation. The irony is in both occasion we tend to assume we know -and don't question our own thinking and therefore again assume our own thought that "I am liked because I received a compliment or disliked because I was criticized is the end all gospel truth and I should know -just ask me!" Funny isn't it; but we human being do things like this on a pretty frequent basis.

Another example would be, we assume that if create a mental agenda and it may have worked out the way we wanted in the past and more than likely it included others (especially family or a spouse or a friend) that it will go the way we want this time. Then if it doesn't it is that person's fault because.... and a list of reasons comes to mind. Or the other scenario is in your mind you always make plans and they never go right and it is always because of so-n-so or work or whatever. So here, the assumption leads the thinking to blaming. Again we are invited to take a moment to question our own thinking by asking ourselves is it true that it "always" happens and it is "always that persons or that situation" that causes everything to go wrong? Can you absolutely know the mind and heart of that person; every event that has lead up to their lives to that moment in their day; are you in control of events that transpire in your day -so can you expect for others to control all of their circumstances, etc; can you know better than God what is going to happen or not or if what you had planned really should have taken place that day anyway for whatever reason -can you really know any of that or even know all the possible or plausible things of the future that every choice in each moment could create or dictate for the next possible creation of the next moment or events in life and how it all comes together in orchestration?

Whew! Well, I know I sure can't -and with all that said, and I figure if you're reading this it is possible that you may be considering an interest in just knowing truth and experiencing reality as much as possible too -you couldn't know that one either... so, the question being, can you be absolutely sure that it is true it is someone else's fault, etc? No, I can't know that for sure. Things just happen.

So we look at that and we might ask, alright -but where do we go from there? Well, having demonstrated the first two questions as Byron Katie has laid out in her tools for anyone to utilize as interested in her writings called The Work, the following question to explore is "how do you feel and what happen (within you, your physical body -as well as emotions, images that come to mind), when you think and believe that thought?"

Now, you might notice, in and of themselves, these questions are meaningless. What have meaning are your answers when you apply them to your own concepts and beliefs that cause you to be upset, angry, frustrated, hurt, fearful or blaming of others, etc. Like any tool, such as a hammer, it is completely useless in and of itself. Take it, apply it as it is intended, and it becomes extremely useful and even powerful when used as intended. This is something that you do, not just because you believe what you have heard, but have been invited to try yourself and then you see from your own experience.

I am actually sharing this with you, more or less as a review from my own experience in utilizing the tools, Katie (as she is referred) has provided.

However, let's move on a little further with one more example dealing with assumptions, simple because they are a bit amusing.

As funny as we are, we get so caught up in what we think other should do and assume this will provide our happiness -be it for ourselves, i.e. if you would just do the dishes, I would be happy or you should be more intimate with me; my boss/associate shouldn't expect me to do this and such or should appreciate/respect me more. So we are invited to take these to inquiry. Question our own thinking.

1) If you would do the dishes, I would be happy.

Is that true, can I know that is absolutely true, that I would be happy if you would do the dishes? No, not by experience. I have managed to be upset about other things, even when the dishes were done.

How do I feel when I believe the thought that if you would do the dishes, then I would be happy? I feel angry, frustrated and inadequate. I am not in control and am helpless and hopeless because my happiness is no longer within myself, but totally dependent upon you and I cannot ever know if you will be available, consistent, etc; thus I then am angry with myself for looking for you to make me happy when I could make myself happy -even do the dishes myself.

2) You should be more intimate with me.

Is that true, can I know that is absolutely true, that you should be more intimate with me? No not really - not by experience, because that is not what is happening and that is the reality. I cannot know your mind and heart and what is right for you or even what level of intimacy is right for the both of us -that is God's business; whatever is right will happen when it happens.

How do I feel when I believe the thought or belief that you should be more intimate with me? I feel frustrate, angry, disappointed, unloved, lonely, irritated, impatient with you and with me. I judge and criticize you and then myself; I resent you and then feel guilty. My body is tense and I put distance between us and do less things or give less attention to you to try and punish you for not doing what I want; I also try to push you into what I want by being more affectionate and telling you what you should do for me regardless of how you are feeling or what you have or have not expressed to me. I just want what I want and then I feel self pity, as well as guilt and frustration for not being able to communicate better.

3) My boss/associate should appreciate/respect me more.

Is it true; can I absolutely know that it is true that my boss/associate should appreciate/respect me more? Can I know what is right for their life path; how they are motivated what they are inspired to do, what their life lesson is or for that matter maybe what I am to even learn by them perhaps not appreciating or respecting me more just in that moment? Can I even know that they don't really appreciate or respect me more in that moment -have they spoken the words that specifically said "I do not appreciate or respect you more?" No, I cannot know that; I do not know their path or even mine and if I were fully aware what I am to know now, I would be feeling angry, frustrated, etc in this moment or blaming my boss/associate for not appreciating or respecting me in this moment.

In the process of inquiry or questioning our own thinking process -the thoughts that come to mind and cause negative emotions, the next questions to apply that we will practice together with the above examples, are: Who would you be without that thought? And turn the thought or belief around to an opposite and/or other and give three examples of why this possibility is true or at least truer.

1) Belief we're working with: If you would do the dishes, I would be happy.

Who would you be without that thought, if you never had that thought that -if you would do the dishes, I would be happy? I would just be me. I would do the dishes when I felt they needed to be done. I would be appreciative when you did them, regardless if it was from my asking or you just doing them. I would be happy, because I want to be happy.

Turn the thought around to an opposite: If I would do the dishes, I would be happy.

Three examples why this is true: because I would feel as I have accomplished something. I am the one who feels that it matters and needs to be done, so I am capable and can do it. I am happy when the dishes are done.

Turn the thought around to other: You should not do the dishes, just to make me happy.

2) Belief we're working with: You should be more intimate with me.

Who would you be without the thought or belief that, you should be more intimate with me? I would be calmer, more peaceful. I would just do what I do each day. I could be loving and affectionate without expectation, because I want to be loving and affectionate, allowing you to be who you are -and nature to takes its course as is right on its timing and not on my timing. I would be more relaxed around you and thereby creating a relaxed environment, so you could feel more relaxed and less pressure around me. I could appreciate you for what you do and who you are, without analyzing you or me for the "perfect timing to get what I want." I could just be me; then I would be more open and receptive so I would know when the time is right for both of us on whatever level. I would be more relaxed and be able to recognize the intimacy that I desire so much is shared in many ways, such as in quality time, holding hands, eating and/or cooking together, caring for the family together, working together and/or just taking turns listening to each other's events of the day that we didn't share first hand; going to the kids events, taking care of the grandparents, etc.

Turn around the belief to the opposite: You shouldn't be more intimate with me. Not in this moment, when it is not right for you or for us, in an agreement.

Turn around the belief to the other/to self: I should be more intimate with you (offer to that person what you desire for yourself -to be heard/to be intimate how you want -be intimate how that person wants); I should be more intimate with myself (know self, to be comfortable and at peace with self regardless of what or how others may or may not respond to what you want in the moment).

Three reasons why this is truer: because the more I offer to you what I want for me, the closer I will feel to you and will eventually experience my desire anyway. Because I cannot force, push or take what I want, as I will still be left unfulfilled, unsatisfied and unhappy and that is not the result I want. Ultimately, what I want for me, I want for you, because I know you will be more responsive to me and I will also be more happy and satisfied too.

3) Belief we're working with: My boss/associate should appreciate/respect me more.

Who would you be without the thought or belief that my boss/associate should appreciate/respect me more? I would be more relaxed and possibly more focused because I wouldn't do things with the underlying expectation or waiting for that respect and appreciation to be expressed. I didn't say in my interview or on my resume' that it was a requirement or even with my associates that the only way I would work with them is if they proved they respected me and proved it by agreeing with whatever I may come up with, regardless if it was my area of expertise or not. I do not have to be appreciated by others to like them or to appreciate myself or to appreciate and respect them. Without the thought that they have to do this for me - I am free to respect and appreciate myself and to respect and appreciate them because I can and because I choose to just because I see their unique value as well; separate from me my opinion and regardless if it agrees with me or not. I am free to like myself and feel peaceful internally. I am not disturbed when my boss/associates disagree with my opinions and therefore my ego/thinking cannot lead me to believe it is an expression of or lack of respect or appreciation to do so. I am also equipped with the knowing I can question my own thinking should this arise at any given time and return myself to a state of peace, clarity and well being.

Turn the thought around to the opposite: My boss/associate should not appreciate/respect me more (not in this moment). It may not suite me well, if it is offered just to feed my ego.

Turn the thought around to the other: I should appreciate/respect my boss/associate more.

Three reasons why this is true: because they are just as human as I am. Because they are living and learning in life in each and every moment, just as I am. Because they took a chance to be who they are, think for themselves, have their own opinion, express their own thought and it did not have to be in agreement with the crowd -including me; for many that takes great courage -so yes, I should appreciate and respect my boss and associate more, in this moment. Just as I would like them to have appreciated me and respected me and my opinion immediately, because I expected it of them, I know I can offer it in the same manner I was demanding it.

Well, overall in review of the tools provided to bring thoughts and beliefs to inquiry that because the human condition grief, often unnecessarily, I would recommend these tools that Byron Katie has graciously shared in her writings.

In conclusion, hopefully the play time we have shared above with her tools has given you a taste and insight to what it is about, which the invitation remains open to continue exploring on your own -into your own self realization. Namaste'.