Review of House of the Long Shadows

By all outward appearances, the 1983 House of the Long Shadows had the makings of success. Everyone loves a haunted house story, and you certainly can't go wrong with a cast that includes Vincent Price, Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and John Carradine. But, within 20 minutes of the film, it is obvious that even these four veterans of horror would not be able to hold together a production as rickety as this!

The first mistake was the casting of Desi Arnaz Jr. as the over confidante writer Kenneth Magee. It is obvious why Arnaz's career never took off. His acting is hammy and he delivers his lines like a 4th grader reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Kenneth Magee is a young writer who makes a bet with his publisher Sam Allyson that, within 24 hours, he will be able to write a novel as good as Wuthering Heights. To get him in the mood, his publisher arranges for Magee to spend this 24 hours in a deserted manor house in Wales. When Magee stops at a train station to ask for directions, he meets Diana and Andrew, an English couple who have been on holiday in an attempt to save their marriage. After ignoring the stationmaster's warnings against the house, Magee leaves Diana and Andrew in the midst of one of their many arguments.

After Magee spends several eerie hours alone in the house, he discovers two old people (John Carradine and Shelia Keith) who claim to be the house's caretakers. Despite the fact that Sam told him the house was deserted and that it is covered with dust and cobwebs, Magee is stupid enough to believe them! The next thing you know, a beautiful woman named Mary (Julie Peasgood) comes running in telling Magee to escape before "they" find him. Magee ignores her, thinking that Sam is trying to make him give up the $20,000 bet. Next, two old men (Price and Cushing) wander in and then disappear with the caretakers. Mary admits that Sam sent her to scare Magee. She did not, however, know anything about the two old men and is beginning to think something is afoot. After making some extremely hokey romantic advances, Magee returns to his typing.

Magee and Mary smell food cooking downstairs and go to get some. On the way down, they meet yet another unexpected visitor; Corrigan (Christopher Lee) claims to be in the process of purchasing the house and, seeing lights in the windows, came to investigate. They all enter the dining room where the four old people are preparing for supper. At last, the awful truth! The old caretaker is, in fact, Lord Grisbane, the owner of the house. The old woman is his daughter Victoria, and Price and Cushing are her brothers, Lionel and Sebastian (what a family resemblance!). They have all returned to the house after 40 years for a family reunion. Once again, Magee is stupid enough to believe them, and everyone sits down to supper. After supper, Magee is asked to leave. When he refuses, Lionel reveals that the purpose of this reunion is to release their brother Roderick who, after violently raping and murdering a young girl, has been imprisoned upstairs for 40 years. Corrigan, Mary, and Magee are all disgusted and rush upstairs to release him. Lionel warns them that Roderick was violent 40 years ago and will, therefore, be worse now. Corrigan opens the door and they discover that Roderick has escaped.

Then, the bodies begin to fall! First Lord Grisbane, then Victoria. Diana and Andrew show up because they missed their train and had nothing better to do then follow Magee. After yet another argument with Andrew, Diana goes upstairs to wash-up and is killed by the vitriol which had been slipped into her washbasin. Sebastian gives the distraught Andrew a drink, and then he drops dead! Lionel keeps repeating that it is their fate and that they will never escape from the fury of Roderick. Instead of doing something to get help, Magee and Corrigan just stand around wondering who will be the next to die.

Finally, Sebastian is killed and Lionel feels his impending doom. At that moment, Corrigan reveals that he is Roderick come to take his revenge after 40 years. He seizes an ax from a nearby suit of armor and kills Lionel (this is the one moment which, perhaps, redeems the entire movie; where else can you find Vincent Price being chased by an ax-wielding Christopher Lee?). Roderick then goes after Mary and, as Magee tries to save her, accidently falls down the stairs and is killed by his own ax. Then, all the dead bodies stand up and take off their make-up. Sam enters and reveals that he hired actors and orchestrated the whole evening. They all enjoy a "cast party" in the dining room and Mary tells Magee that she is actually married to Andrew.

Magee, disappointed that Mary was never interested in him, returns to his typewriter. The next morning, he returns with the finished novel and, since he has supposedly "learned his lesson", tears-up the $20,000 check. As he is leaving, he meets Mary. Since she does not recognize him, he thinks she can't possibly be the same Mary he met last night and, therefore, might not be married to Andrew! Excited by his second chance, he takes the first step toward a romantic relationship. But wait! Isn't that Lionel Grisbane serving drinks over there? As the movie ends, Magee, as well as the audience, are left to wonder: did it really happen?

Not surprisingly, Price, Cushing, Carradine, and Lee are marvelous in their individual roles. But, the director was obviously relying too heavily on their star power and was not holding up his end of the bargain. Even though the movie is classified as a Horror-Parody, it is neither horrifying nor funny. If you would like to see a truly horrifying movie, check out Scream and Scream Again starring Price, Cushing, and Lee; if you want to see a real Horror-Parody, watch Mel Brooks' Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

Source: http://www.imdb.com/