Review of Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Paul T. Mason

Are you dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? If you don't know the answer to that question, take a minute to answer these questions. In dealing with certain people in your life,

* Have you ever felt that anything you say or do can be used against you?

* Have you ever caught yourself concealing thoughts and feelings in an effort to avoid having terrible arguments?

* Does this person make you the focus of violent, irrational rages, only to turn around and suddenly act normal and loving toward you?

* Does this person make you feel like they are manipulating, controlling, or lying to you?

* Has this person ever accused you of things you never said or did?

* Does this person seem to alternate between seeing you as all good or all bad?

* Do you have a hard time getting other people to believe you when you try to explain what's happening?

A "yes" answer to any of the above questions could mean that you are dealing with someone who has BPD. And if you are dealing with someone who is suffering from BPD, your life may often feel like a balancing act. You may find yourself doing your best not to "set off" the person who has BPD. All of that energy you're expending as you try to"keep the peace" can take a great toll on your mental and physical health.

Although we don't know this for sure, my husband and I are fairly confident that his ex wife, a woman I'll call Susan, suffers from BPD. My husband was married to Susan for almost ten years. During that time, Susan would vacillate between thinking my husband was a saint to hating him with a passion. She never seemed to think of him as an average guy. Susan would fly into rages over seemingly innocuous things, only to behave in a kind, loving manner within hours of her rage. Frequently, my husband would find things that he said or did taken out of context twisted in ways that made him look bad to other people. And because Susan would either belittle him or threaten to turn his family or friends against him if he ever stepped out of line, my husband would do his best to conceal his true thoughts and feelings. Over time, he isolated himself from Susan until he stopped communicating with her altogether. To this day, Susan blames him for their divorce and accuses him of abandoning his family. She has worked hard at trying to turn my husband's kids and parents against him. On the other hand, she's also made benevolent comments to my husband that lead him to believe that she's still attached to him on some level.

When my husband told me about his life with Susan, I immediately started to suspect that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. Although I don't generally think it's a good idea to attach psychiatric labels to people outside of a professional capacity, Susan's symptoms sounded very familiar to me based on what I've observed and my training as a public health social worker. I started to research books about BPD and finally purchased the book Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason, M.S., C.P.C. and Randi Kreger. Stop Walking On Eggshells came highly recommended by mental health professionals and consumers as a guide for people who have to live with someone who suffers from BPD.

Because I don't know Susan personally, I can't be absolutely sure that BPD is her problem. However, Susan's behavior and background strongly fits the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. At the beginning of Stop Walking On Eggshells, there's a list of comments made by people who have lived with someone who has BPD. I read them aloud to my husband. By the time I got to the bottom of he list, my husband's eyes were wide with astonishment. I asked him if they sounded familiar and he said, "Every one of them." We kept reading, because from the very first pages, Stop Walking On Eggshells made my husband feel like he wasn't so crazy or evil after all.

Make no mistake about it. If living with a person who has BPD is hell, life is even more hellish for the BPD sufferer. Kreger and Mason include commentary in their book from people who suffer from the disorder, allowing readers to gain some understanding of why BPD sufferers act the way they do. But the one thing to realize about Stop Walking On Eggshells is that it was written expressly for people who live with someone who has BPD. It's not for BPD sufferers themselves. And though the authors do a great job of explaining what BPD is, I wouldn't say that it's the best book for someone who just wants to satisfy their intellectual curiosity about BPD. On the other hand, I believe that those who do have dealings with someone who has BPD will be amazed and reassured by what they read in Stop Walking On Eggshells. Moreover, I found this book very easy to read and understand.

Stop Walking On Eggshells is split into three different parts. The first part is devoted to explaining what BPD is and allowing readers to understand if BPD is the issue in their troubled relationships. The second part focuses on helping readers take back their lives. Part two discusses strategies to help readers refrain from saying or doing things that can trigger behavior that is associated with BPD. The authors also include tips on establishing and maintaining boundaries, engaging in conversations that don't trigger BPD behaviors, and increasing their confidence in dealing with the BPD sufferer. Part three is about special issues for people that deal with BPD sufferers in their lives. Many people who are married to BPD sufferers find that divorce is the only way to maintain their own mental health. But divorcing someone with BPD, especially if children are involved, can be a dicey proposition. The authors offer strategies on how to deal with someone who has BPD in a divorce, as well as how to stay married to a BPD sufferer. And, this book also offers some suggestions for parents who have a child with BPD. At the book's end, there are several helpful appendices, including one that offers alternative sources of information about BPD. This section is especially handy for folks who like to look for information on the Internet.

I wholeheartedly recommend Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, especially for people who live with someone who has BPD. Thankfully, my husband is no longer having to deal with his ex wife on a daily basis, but this book will surely be helpful in the coming years, as my husband's children come of age.