Review: TNA Impact December 13, 2007

I hate VCR's, and I have nothing more to say about that that is relevant or true...

We look back at last week, maybe in anger: Angle telling Cage you need me, I need you, Cage saying he's the leader, Roode jumps in with both feet, Tomko walks out on the Cage beatdown...It's time for "Christian's Revenge," the ominous red graphic promises.

And we're on from the Impact Zone in Orlando! Tonight, Knockouts in action! Black Machismo vs. Johnny Devine in a Lumberjack Strap Match! James Mitchell will face Abyss in the ring! And the four case winners will face off, the winner to have a choice: keep their case, trade their case, or sell it for $50,000!

But first, by heavens, we must have TALKING! And here comes Christian Cage to supply that talking. He heard the talking behind his back that he got what he deserved last week (some of the crowd agrees), and you know what? They're right, because I'm the champ and I look down on everyone else. He admits to being a male body part, and a a-hole (which they bleep, but the p-word is just keen!), but he's where he is because he is, and we're all where we are because we're not. Zen-like, eh? As for tonight, there's a tag match: Robert Roode and Kurt Angle against me and a partner of my choosing, and, Kurt, there's not room for both of us here in TNA. Hit the music, here comes Angle, Angle, and Roode for a rebuttal. Angle looks sharp in his suit, and Karen and Roode are dressed in their regular clothes. Let me tell ya, the dress brings Robert's eyes out. (Kidding!) Do you ever shut up, Cage?, asks Angle. Last week, you got the beating of your life, and you're still talking b.s. There's a match tonight, and I dare you to find a partner, since no one in TNA likes you! Oh, and he's the general in this war, and Cage is only a private, so shut up and follow my orders. You can't even keep your wife in check, Cage says, and the only orders she takes is from the random guy giving her $50 and telling her to lay on the bed. Roode holds Angle back. West, ever on the spot, says Cage is trying to get in Angle's head. Masterful analysis there. Roode's got the mic, tells Cage he's tired of drinking his Kool-Aid, it's not guys like Booker T I have to worry about, it's scumbags like you, and we're ready, good luck finding a partner.

Jeremy Borash has tag team champs AJ Styles and Tomko in the back. JB asks Styles if this is how he envisioned things turning out between Angle and Cage, Tomko has sarcasm! "This is just how he wanted it." You think this is funny?, Styles snaps. Honestly, yes, replies Tomko. He thought his plan was perfect, did Styles, so what went wrong? I'll tell ya, Tomko offers, it's when you tried to be Deion Sanders and play for both teams. Styles: So now what do we do? Tomko: We choose sides. Styles doesn't like that idea.

Now video talking! The history of the Feast or Fire match, all one match of it.
Crystal has MAPLE LEAF MUSCLE with her. If you win, she asks, what will you do? It's easy: a thousand reps on the rotary torso. But, as far as the match itself, I know I have a World title shot in that case, we Canadians know these things, so I'm holding on to mine. WWAD: What Would Arnold Do?, he asks. Oh, goody, another celeb knockoff in TNA, awesome.

FOUR WAY FEAST, FIRE, OR $50,000 MATCH: CHRISTOPHER DANIELS VS. BG JAMES VS. PETEY WILLIAMS VS. SCOTT STEINER

Review of the meltdown in Triple-X over the case. BG comes out, and is still arguing with Kip on the way down. Ladies and gentlemen, HERMIE SADLER IS BACK! Rejoice! Fire West! Do both! He points out that Kip gave BG a 25% chance of getting fired, and he's not happy. No word on whether or not Steiner was mentioned in the Mitchell Report. Sure, he isn't a baseball player, but a customer that good has to be recorded somewhere, right? Awww, he gave a little girl a high five, now she can say she touched Sasquatch. Break time, phew, we ALMOST had wrestling in that first segment. How about some Mountain Dew?

Here's some actual in-ring action! Punchy-kicky to start, Petey with BG and Daniels with Steiner. Williams dropkicks BG out while Daniels shoulderblocks Steiner in the far corner. Kip tosses BG back in and mocks him, so Williams dropkicks James in the back while they argue. Steiner hiptosses Daniels all the way across the ring, now he's out with BG. Petey backs up, and walks into Steiner. They have a posedown, sorta. Daniels charges in after a minute or so, and both muscleheads clothesline him. BG comes in, and Steiner gets him alone. Now it's time for the STUPID MAKE A MUSCLE, DROP AN ELBOW (pop a pill), GET ONE, THEN DO PUSH-UPS SPOT on Daniels. Petey mocks it, so it's at least a little funny now, unless you're Daniels, of course. BG's back for more, but Petey's on him. Steiner tosses Daniels for distance, but James knocks him out from behind after getting the better of Petey. He stops to yell at Pump, and Williams takes advantage, giving him a jawbreaker and a leg lariat while Daniels posts Steiner outside. BG goes for the whip, and Daniels comes in to clothesline Petey. The two of them stomp Muscle, then Daniels whips him across and gives him a jumping hook kick. BG wants to try that, so he whips Petey, fakes a kick, and punches him in the head instead. Hermie's pointing out how little BG wants his case while he and Daniels work over Williams. Steiner's up, BG goes to punch him, Scott blocks and snaps his neck off the top rope, then gets in. Daniels is begging off, but Petey catches him on a slingshot, grabs his neck, and drops him, chest first, on his knees. Ouch! Then Steiner clotheslines the taste out of his mouth, and has seconds for James. Half-belly suplex for those two, kinda nicely done. And now the full belly-to-belly overhead for Daniels, which is overdone. He had to work it in eventually, you know. Daniels gets the Steiner Recliner, but BG's there to save him. Petey's on him, BG gets punchy on him, but doesn't dance, misses a clothesline, Petey runs the ropes, James with a boot to the gut to stop that, now going for the pumphandle slam, but Daniels stops that with an enziguri. Daniels hits BG with the Angel's Wing (that double-underhook facebuster of his), but Petey's up before a pin can be tried, and it's CANADIAN DESTROYER TIME for the first time in a while, which is Petey's sick flip piledriver. Of course, a move that creative needs a big follow-up, so Steiner pulls Williams off Daniels by the hair to stop the pin, and gives him the really crappy version of a belly to belly for the pin. Eh. C-

JB wants to know, what's your choice, Pump? One question: How is the check already written out to Steiner? Oh, never mind, it's wrestling. The crowd urges Steiner to take that cash, and he says, that's a lot of money to share with my freaks, but I want my World title shot. BG's yelling at him to take his, but he takes Petey's instead. Here's a test of that fabled Canadian intuition. Break time, and Spike reminds you, yet again, to DO THE DEW!

Now it's case time! Up the ramp, complete with models, are the cases in "Deal or No Deal" style. First up is Petey, who now has Scott's case. He thinks he'll be sick. He feels better now: it has the World title shot in it. Boy, is Steiner ticked!

Crystal has Kaz with her. Has success gone to your head?, she asks. No, I'm following my hero Chuck Norris's lead on this, he's humble no matter how successful he is! As for Darth Maul, er, Rellik, his opponent tonight, I'll do what I always do, leave it all in the ring. Here comes Cage to recruit him for the match later. Seeing as you owe me for that fluke win at Genesis, you'll be my partner tonight. You may have something there, Kaz admits, but let's take a second to ponder this, close our eyes, and get spiritual. When Cage does, Kaz runs off. That was funny stuff!

RELLIK VS. KAZ

Black Reign refers to Rellik as his darkest nightmare. It's probably a prison scene. Rellik charges to start. Knee to gut, punch, stomp, stomp, stomp, choke. He's been working on his moves! More punchy-kicky, then Kaz stops a whip, winds the arm, side kick to the right side, one to the left, leg lariat! Elapsed time: like four seconds. Result: barely a one count. Rellik's up and charging, Kaz ducks, and Rellik goes over the top rope and out. Slingshot body press to the floor for Kaz, and it's time to sell alcohol and video games yet again.

Back in, Rellik with a body slam, and he goes to the top. Missed legdrop hurts him hiney, then Kaz hurst him face with a low-angle dropkick, both feet to the face. Goes for the whip, Rellik reverses and charges, Kaz jumps up to avoid contact, then rolls Rellik over for two. Kinda impressive when Rellik stalls him, holding up his weight and Kaz's momentum for a few seconds. On the recover, Rellik goes for a kick, Kaz sweeps Rellik's leg in an awkward spot, he goes down, then Kaz does a botched-looking springboard legdrop, both legs landing on Rellik, for two. That could've been a bad injury. Reverse on the whip attempt, Kaz misses a running boot to the head, Rellik hits one to the chest, then goes for a reverse DDT, but Kaz floats over and nails Rellik with the Wave of the Future for the win. Best Rellik match yet, but that ain't sayin' much. C-
YOUR beatdown time is Black Reign coming in and knocking Kaz down. There's Darkness Falls, and whack goes the forehead, but Kaz doesn't blade. Hmmm. Reign gets Misty the Rat out of her cage, into the bag, and over Kaz's head. Security's in to try and help him.

JB has Angelina Love and Velvet Sky in the back. They're wearing matching "TNA Knockouts" shirts, and JB points out the experience of their opponents, Miss Brooks and Miss Jackie Moore. They take offense, thinking he means the other kind of experience, since he's a pervert and all, but then they go off on a rant talking about just having that kind of experience. Oh-kay.

Back from the break, Crystal has Brooks and Moore, and Jackie's trashed. She asks what "those bimbo hos" were talking about, some bulging in the bedroom? She laughs, James Storm, at her side, laughs and says he likes seeing Jackie like this, that and "them boobies." Brooks wants her to sober up, Jackie chest-bumps her, and pours beer down her top. Roode's there, holding Brooks back, and chides her for talking to a veteran like Moore like that, asks if he talks to people like that. She says yes. He has more important things to do, so he leaves, imploring her to do something right, for the first time in your life.
Storm's off to get more beer, Brooks sarcastically says that's a great idea.

ANGELINA LOVE/VELVET SKY VS. MISS BROOKS/MISS JACKIE MOORE

Love and Sky have lewd contact with the ring ropes, which dirty ol' West says is his favorite ring entrance in pro wrestling. Jackie comes out of the entrance, plops down, and has a little more beer, causing Brooks to grab her by the hand and lead her down. With beer still in hand, Jackie proceeds to kick some blonde rearend, doing a faceplant on sky. West is impressed that Jackie didn't spill any beer, she's a real pro. Tenay asks, A real pro what? Wrestler or drinker? Brooks and Moore stomp on Sky for a little bit, and Brooks rips the beer out of Jackie's hand. So now, Jackie has two hands to whip Sky's butt with, and does so with kneelifts and a hair toss. She follows Sky across, stomps her, punches Love off the apron, then tosses Sky the other way by the hair. Sky's up on her knees, and Jackie's behind her, hitting her in the face with harsh forearms, and then a backbreaker. The girls want to go back and talk to JB now, I'm sure. Brooks puts the boot on the buckle, and Jackie slams Sky's head into it, then slaps Brooks' hand hard to make the tag. Now Brooks is putting the leather to Sky. A short whip by Brooks into a drop toehold, crashing Sky's face off the bottom rope. She pulls herself up to the middle rope, giving Brooks a target for her knees on the back of her head. Ouch! Brooks gives a Xena yell and clotheslines Sky, and somehow, the woman rolls the shoulder at two, then sneaks a jawbreaker in on the recover, and finally tags in Love, who goes to the top and hits a nice crossbody on Brooks. Then goes to the hair to pull Brooks down twice. Then redeems herself by crushing Brooks with one wicked kneelift. It was a little too wicked, though, as Brooks lands in her corner and tags in Jackie. She charges, misses a clothesline, and Love gets choppy on Jackie. Then ducks a punch, grabs Jackie's arm, and does a face first mini-Stunner. What does Love need Sky for? Brooks comes back in, Love ducks her 'line attempt, runs the ropes, and kicks Brooks in the face, which gets two. Brooks stops the rally with a knee to the gut, and gets her up in a fireman's carry. Moore's yelling at her from the apron, giving Love the chance to float off her shoulders, push Brooks into Moore, and roll her up for the pin. Best match so far, but that means nothing. C

Roode jumps in and between the pushing Brooks and Jackie. Brave guy. I don't care how drunk you are or how much of a veteran you are, don't ever put your hands on Brooks again, he says, and Jackie steps out. Brooks is happy, at least until Roode begins ripping into her for being pathetic, never doing anything right, and other verbal abuse, then gets mad at her for crying. The crowd is yelling for Brooks to hurt him, Roode yells at her to quit, and here comes Sharmel. I'm sick of this, she says, we don't know each other (referring to Brooks) but this is no way to treat a lady. A lady?, Brooks snaps, there's no ladies here. Ladies don't find their future husbands on Texas street corners. There's a nerve hit, and Sharmel's yelling at him not to talk to her like that. That's how you met Booker T, right? Better watch it, she warns. Booker may be the (bleeped b-word) in your relationship, Roode yells, but I'm the boss of mine, so step back before I do something you'll regret. Speaking of that bad word, Booker runs out and Roode runs like one.

Cage is bringing Crystal with him to talk to Kevin Nash, since JB's playing "Deal or No Deal" and, well, he doesn't trust Nash. Why partner with him?, Crystal asks, and Cage shushes her. He busts into the room and begins singing the New World Order theme, getting Nash to sing along and make the Wolfpac sign, but Nash refuses to be his partner. He's busy doing what he does best tonight, sitting around and getting paid to do nothing (His words, not mine, I promise). But he does tell him where he can get a partner, down there. Down where? Down here! (points to crotch, not that I had to mention that, I'm sure). Crystal laughs, Cage tells her to shut up, she's laughing at a grey-haired 11-year-old.

Back from the break, and here comes James Mitchell, because we've had WAY too much of that wrestling crap of late! Abyss, time to come out and tell the world the truth. Here he comes, pyro and pushed over cameraman like he's in a match. Mitchell tells him, enough posing, have a seat. Abyss kicks over the chair Mitchell set up. Have it your way. Mitchell keeps calling him Chris, and says he has the right to be obsessed with destroying him, since he put more emotional investment into his career than anyone, I pulled you out of that prison, gave you a chance at a clean slate, I made you Abyss, made you a world champ, and you owe it all to me. I kept my word until you betrayed me, now the secret must come out. Are you ready to tell the world the truth of what happened when your mother shot your father in the back three times and you sat by and did nothing? Abyss refuses, turns to leave, Mitchell spins him around, insists again, again Abyss goes to leave, and Mitchell says, Fine, you won't do it, I'll finish the job, and goes to take his jacket off. Abyss takes this as a threat, and punches down Mitchell. He has him set up for the chokeslam when it all goes black, and here's Judas Mesias, spitting out red stuff and holding some barbed wire, which he wraps around Abyss's throat, choking him down, stomping him, raking the wire across his head, then whacking him with a chair. Then, since Abyss rips off all things Foley, Mesias and Mitchell tie his hands behind his back, and it's Rock-Mankind from Royal Rumble, and they're teeing off on his head. Mesias finishes the job with a Straight to Hell (inverse RKO) on the chair. Look, Kaz, there's a bladejob for you!

JB has Booker and Sharmel, and Cage sneaking in from behind. You know me from WCW, Jeremy, and I'm a nice guy, Booker says, until you tick me off. You're screwing with the wrong person, Roode, and...what do you want? Cage asks if this is live, then launches into his pitch. We've never seen eye to eye, he says, but this is a new time and new place, and you're at the top of my list for partners, so what do you say, you, me and Beyonce, we go out there and get it done? I will never be your partner, Booker responds, and goes to take care of business.

WILDCAT CHRIS HARRIS VS. BOOKER T

Tenay says Harris has been on a non-stop complaining rant of late, so naturally the first thing he does is go to the announce table and grab a mic and complain about Cage passing him over for the partner slot, and asking what he has to do to get respect here, change his last name to Angle? Lockup to start, going all over the ring, and Booker gives Harris a clean break. Another lockup, but this time, Harris kicks on the break, lands a punch, and another, now he takes Booker to the middle and turns a short whip into a spinebuster for a one count. He complains to the ref now. A couple more punches, now an attempted whip, but Booker stops it, winds the arm, and lays Harris out with a beautiful hook kick. Chop, punch, hop-hop chop, hop-hop punch, hop-hop chop, then a sideslam gets two. Harris is down on his butt, and Booker hooks in a standing armbar. He fights up to his feet and pushes Booker to the corner. Harris tries a punch, Booker blocks it and nails him. Whip try, Harris reverses it, now he charges, Booker slings over, but Harris elbows him in the face. Harris backs up, runs at Booker, and Booker gives him the flip oversell on the clothesline. How nice of him, and it gets two. Harris with another charge and a leap at Booker, but he greets him with a Book-End, which sets up the crowd pumping, which sets up gutshot and axe-kick, and it's academic. C

Finally, FINALLY, another Dew ad. All is well again.

Back to Deal again. Next up: BG James. He wants them to hurry the hell up. They open it up: It's a tag title shot. JB says you and Kip should be happy, but BG says the partner for the shot is yet to be determined. Kip runs in and chews on BG for a while on the way out of the ring.

Crystal has a freshly Noxema-d Dustin Rhodes, she's taking him to task for this whole Black Reign thing. He's beating the "I have no control of him" drum, but Kaz comes in with two fistfuls of medicine for him, Dustin yelling at him, "What are you doing, Kaz?" the whole time. Oh-kay again.

Here come the lumberjacks, and they're all X-Division guys. Think Devine's in trouble?

LUMBERJACK STRAP MATCH: JOHNNY DEVINE VS. BLACK MACHISMO

Devine charges to start, Lethal ducks his clothesline, and now there's SAVAGE PUNCHES IN BUNCHES, then he tosses Devine to the floor, and the X-ers are laying the leather on him. He runs into the ring to get away, and Lethal tosses him to the other side, where they beat him some more. Devine's back in, Lethal has some more Savage punches for him. Devine reverses Lethal's whip, and catches Jay with an elbow to the face, then one to the top of his head, now out goes Lethal, and, let me tell you, the brutality of the beating is like none I've seen since the aforementioned Rock-Mankind match. I mean, Sonjay Dutt HUGS Lethal, then the guys all gather around him and TAP HIM WITH THE STRAPS LIGHTLY! It's funny watching this, and Devine's flipping out over it is funny. The X-ers invite him to come out to get Lethal, making room for him, and like a dummy, he takes the bait, and they tear into him like the pack on the weak gazelle. Devine tries to escape under the ring, and here's where we break.

Devine has control briefly as we return, but tries a piledriver or something and gets backdropped out, and there's more strappage. He gets back in, and it probably feels good to take the Lethal Combination by comparison. But Machismo's not done with him yet, and he hits the top-rope Savage elbow to add insult to injury, and gets the win. Funny, but a squash is a squash. D-

The X-ers take some more time whipping on Devine, with the Motor City MachineGuns holding him. Team 3D comes to save their buddy, but won't get in the ring when the numbers are against them. Devine sneaks out, and the D's walk away.

More Deal time, and now let's see who's fired. Peter Pan time, make a wish, say, I do believe Steiner should be fired, I do believe Steiner should be fired, and maybe it'll come true. JB points out that Christopher Daniels has been with TNA since the beginning, and Daniels has faith that that will save him. Steiner: mumble-mumble, no-win situation, mumble-mumble, Petey lied to me, mumble-mumble, Cornette doesn't have the guts to fire me, mumble-mumble. Time to find out about the cases, JB says...after the break. Not only does he look like Seacrest plus 25 pounds, he acts like him, too!

JB points out the cannon fodder, er, security, waiting to escort the fired person out. The cases are opened, and Daniels is gone. Even worse, Steiner has a shot at the X-Division title. The crowd isn't all that happy, Daniels is in tears. On his way up the ramp and out, some of the crowd turns on him, singing Na-na-na-na, hey, you know the rest, but overall they weren't happy. Make a note, TNA.

To the back, where Cage and Samoa Joe are in each other's faces. Joe is tired of everyone trying to bring him into their wars, plus TNA is nickel-and-diming him on his contract. Oh, Cage says, be my partner, I can help with that, I'm the champ, I'll talk to them and you'll get what you want. I'd rather be broke, Joe snaps, so your request can suck butt, TNA can suck butt, and you, most of all, can suck elephant butt. But, the other word, ya know? Crystal wants to know, Now what? Cage says, now my partner will be the only person important to me: Me.

CHRISTIAN CAGE VS. ROBERT ROODE/KURT ANGLE

Roode charges in to start, Cage beats him down, Angle charges in, Cage runs out the other side, back into the ring, knocks Roode down again, but Angle stops that with a gut kick and European uppercut. Now Roode takes the offense to Cage, stomping and punching, ramming his head into a buckle, now a foot choke in the corner. Attempt to whip is reversed by Cage, Roode to the corner, back bodydrop by Cage, then grabs Roode by the ears and slams his head into the mat a whole lot. Ouch! Now some punching, pushes him to the corner and busts out the chops. Roode reverses the postitions and lays some in of his own. Cage chops his way out of the corner, then forces Roode to the ropes, tries a whip, reversed, Cage drops down under a 'line, Roode keeps going, Cage smacks him with a leg lariat for two. On the recover, Roode knees Cage in the gut, slams Cage into the buckle, and tags in Angle, who proceeds to stomp Cage into dust in the corner. Angle attempts a bodyslam, Cage floats over and out, and grabs a side headlock. Angle shoots him off, drops down, then leapfrogs him, but Cage connects with a flying shoulderblock, then catches Angle in a headlock takeover. Angle calls in Roode, and Cage headscissors him. Roode tosses his legs up, Cage flips over Angle, sets him up for the inverse DDT, and finishes it while ducking Roode's clothesline! Slick spot there. Cage is back up and he and Roode take each other out with clotheslines as we go to break.

Back in, Roode's on the top, Angle whips Cage towards him, and Roode breaks off a beautiful blockbuster for a near fall. Roode drags Cage towards Angle for the tag, and he slaps on a rear chinlock. "During the break," Cage was on the top rope, and Angle did that sweet pop-up super belly-to-belly on him to get the advantage. Roode, thinking outside the box by choking Cage to follow, then hits a belly-to-back suplex. Back "live," Cage fights to his feet, breaks out of the hold, but runs the ropes and eats Angle's elbow for two. Front standing powerslam to plant Cage, and he lays out on a beautiful, high moonsault, but Cage moves, so Angle gets nothing but canvas and must like it. They both get to their knees and slug it out, stand up and continue to slug, now Cage gets the best of it and knocks Angle down. To the corner, where Cage has some chops for Angle, whip is reversed, but Cage cracks Angle's teeth with an elbow, he starts to go out to go up, comes back in, gives him the inverse DDT, now goes up, stops to jaw with Karen, and misses the frog splash as a result. Angle goes for the quick rollup and gets a near fall. Both men up, Cage swings wild, Angle ducks, and nails the triple Germans. DOWN GO THE STRAPS! Angle goes for the Olympic Slam, Cage jumps out, and tries for the Unprettier, Angle slips out of that and grabs hold for the anklelock, but Cage rolls through and Angle eats buckle. Very nicely done in that sequence. Cage grabs the chin, drops into a sitout and cranks Angle's head off the mat, and Roode has to save him from defeat. Cage answers by punching him off the apron and onto the railing behind him. He drapes Angle on the second rope, and stands tall on his back for a little punishment. Roode charges in again, and ends up sitting on Angle's neck and throat with speed and momentum, then Cage tosses him. Turns and rolls up Angle, gets a near fall. Cage goes to the top, Angle tries the pop-up again, but Cage bites him on top of his bald head to break that up, down goes Angle, and this time, Cage does get froggy with it, and gets all of two but not quite three. Angle grabs the anklelock out of nowhere again, Cage grabs the rope, Roode tags himself in and stomps away. Cage sneaks in a roll-up, but the ref's arguing with Angle, so he's out of position, and it's only a near fall when he does count. Cage is limping, Roode hits him in the back, goes for a belly-to-back, Cage rolls off, limps again, goes for the Unprettier. There's Karen, up to the apron, just in time to keep the ref from seeing Angle's low blow on Cage, and a slick spike piledriver ends it. Great match. A-

Angle's down in Cage's face now, talking smack, the three evil-doers celebrate. Now Angle wants more, picking up Cage, and holding him for a vicious Northern Lariat by Roode to the back of the head. Now an Olympic Slam, and now an anklelock, locking in with his legs so Cage can go nowhere. Here comes AJ Styles, but he stops on the ring apron. Angle's done, he spits on Cage. Now he's got the mic. There's a Christmas party next week, and it doesn't look like Cage is going to make it. Oh, it's real, it's damn real, and we're done.

Better this week, more actual wrestling. Let's head more in that direction next week.

Next week: A Very TNA Christmas. 9-11 on Spike, ya know, Thursday, if my VCR wants to tape it!