Review: TNA Impact December 27, 2007

I publicly issue an apology to my VCR, and blame Comcast instead, for the last two weeks. But, really, who doesn't blame Comcast for something?

Quick sum-up of the opening video package: Who will AJ pick?
YOUR red-letter graphic: "A.J.'s Dilemma"

Crystal has AJ and Tomko, and she cuts right to the chase: Who are you with? AJ says both teams, since Karen made it crystal clear that he could be. Tomko hits something out of anger, and says, Wake up, she lied to you, first of all. Secondly, you can't play on both teams, since Kurt Angle and Christian Cage hate each other. Make a decision, and the sooner the better, for both of us. We're the tag champs, AJ reminds him, or did you forget? I didn't, Tomko replies, but I've made my choice. We're in this together, AJ yells at the departing big guy.

Here we are at The UniversImpactal StudiZone. Tonight, those tag champs are in non-title action with the Motor City MachineGuns, Robert Roode takes on Booker T, and Tenay will speak one-on-one with Abyss.

SENSHI VS. JUDAS MESIAS

Mesias has some weird purple stitchface mask on. I'm all for him using it permanently. He takes it off and spits out red stuff, which West calls blood, as if we're all stupid. I hope he doesn't think we are. Mesias jumps Senshi to start, and LET THE STOMPAGE BEGIN. Yep, another technical master here. Now he picks up Senshi and slams his head into a buckle. To another corner, hits him with a chop that Senshi sells like death is coming, and another. A headbreaker by Mesias is followed by a standing chokelift. And back to the stompage. A whip, Senshi slides under, hits a dropkick which Mesias no-sells, rinse and repeat, now he runs at Mesias, ducks a clothesline, and hits a nice sprinboard swipe kick to the face that finally drops Mesias. He's up, and Senshi kicks him in the jaw, now the chest, gives him a chop. Mesias gets creative and rakes the eyes, then runs the ropes, Senshi ducks the 'line, grabs a belly-to-back hold and drops Mesias on his face. He stops and makes the sign for the Warrior's Path, goes up, and misses the stomp as usual. Mesias hands him his lower jaw with a clothesline, then sends him Straight to Hell for the pin. It was only slightly more than a squash, and Senshi's back must be killing him from carrying this stiff. D-

Now, let's follow Karen into Angle's dressing room, where Jeremy Borash is, um, in an awkward position with the champ. After chiding Karen for neglecting her wifely duties, he steps aside to show...the shirts he was dewrinkling. Speaking of problems, JB adds, what of the AJ/Tomko situation, and doesn't it make the World title match with Cage a wildcard now? It's simple, Angle states, they joined me at Genesis, and they're in the Angle Alliance now. There's a time when a boy must become a man, like me, and make a decision for himself. He then asks Karen to pick out his shirt and shoes. Karen goes off on him, he asks what's wrong, she says you know very well, I'm tired of all the attention paid to that "freakin' mountain goat" Sharmel. Kurt yells at her for getting him in this decision mess and now throwing her problems on him as well. She ignores him and says there's room for only one queen here, and she'll prove it. She storms out, the boys watch her leave, then Kurt asks JB's opinion on the shoe issue. Aren't you as THRILLED as I was?

Let's watch Cage walk in, shall we?

Let's watch Cage run his mouth, shall we? Know what I hate?, he says. Indecision. For example, there are three ways to attain greatness: achieving it, having it thrust on you, or being born to it, and I'm a member of that last small group, and I made the decision at an early age to embrace it. Now you two have to make a decision, since TNA isn't big enough for Kurt and I's egos. So get down here, I'm not askin' ya, I'm tellin' ya. Styles appears, no Tomko, Cage wants to know where the big guy who kind of looks like a goat is. I don't know where he is, boss. Did you call me boss?, Cage asks. Part of his definition of "boss" is someone you'd take a bullet for. Huh? But AJ goes with it, saying he'd take one for Cage. Enough, don't you know you owe everything in your career to me?, Cage asks. Your paycheck, that tag title, even the two (Styles cuts in: Actually, three) world title reigns before I even came to TNA, you owe me for. The crowd really wants AJ to kick his butt. Angle's using you for his fall guy. Oop, here comes Angle. This segment will never end, will it? I'm using him?, Angle asks, for what? Muscle? I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist, I did that on my own. Brains? I'm the most intelligent man in TNA. You, Cage, are the one using him. Which means he's coming with me. Angle grabs one arm, Cage the other, and they do some tug-of-war. Styles pulls on them both, they crash into each other, and the punches start flying. AJ's in between them, trying to break it up. Cage grabs the title belt, tries to blast Angle, and gets AJ instead after he ducks. NOW here's Tomko to break them up. Cage thanks him for his punctuality, then says to tell his little buddy when he awakes that he expects an answer by the end of the show.

Let's walk with Booker and Sharmel...

Crystal has Robert Roode. She says he may have put his foot in his mouth when he insulted Sharmel. Roode tells her to shut up and not ruin his night. I'm finally a main eventer, and isn't it funny how things worked out, how I had to insult Booker's "beast of a wife" on national TV to get it. Listen up, T, the era of veterans, er, washed-up has-beens, ends tonight. Miss Brooks now enters, taking Roode to task. Make your point with Booker T, fine, but why bring Sharmel into it? Roode asks Crystal if she heard him give Brooks permission to speak. He spends the next minute calling her brainless, telling her his word is law since she can't think for herself, and that she only exists to take orders from him. One question: When is she going to hand him his "jewels"?

ROBERT ROODE VS. BOOKER T.

The stalker's back. Yay. Who cares? Hey, a MATCH! Booker T tells us it's ON LIKE NECKBONE! It sure is, for Karen Angle, who comes out to get her some of Sharmel. Booker steps out to break it up, and here comes Angle, who slugs Booker?! Now back into the ring, where West informs us that Roode and Angle are stomping Booker with their feet. Read it again, let it sink in, and weep. NO MATCH, NO GRADE

Now a double whip, and Booker grabs the top rope, drops down and out, and grabs a chair, then a mic. I knew you couldn't face me man-to-man, so let's do this later, you and Angle against me and a partner of my choice.

To the back, for lo, there must be more talking! JB has Styles, who can't remember being given an ultimatum by Cage. JB offers advice, AJ agrees, he says to ask people he trusts. AJ tells Sea...er, JB he trusts him, and JB, of course, shills for Angle, going as far as saying Cage would be the B team. I've never been on a B team, Styles says, then gives a garbled example of one time he was, then waves that off, saying it doesn't matter, there's only one team, himself, Tomko, Cage, and Angle. JB walks off, saying he's dreaming, leaving AJ in denial and confused, as usual.

Video package about the upcoming Ultimate X match between Team 3D and Johnny Devine against Black Machismo and the Motor City MachineGuns.

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS AJ STYLES AND TOMKO VS. MOTOR CITY MACHINEGUNS (NON-TITLE)

Styles is still selling the belt shot. He goes over to Tenay and West to ask their opinion. Resisting the urge to suggest stomping someone with his feet, West says he has to do what's best for him. Sage, man, sage. NOW do we have a match? Yes! Shelley and Styles to start. Lockup, Shelley grabs a headlock, Styles gets an arm twist to counter, Shelley uses the ropes to flip out of it, and now is twisting AJ's arm. AJ gets a standing switch, waistlocks Shelley, and takes him down. He reaches to pick him up, and Shelley grabs his hand and armdrags him to recover, and sidekicks the charging Styles to gain an edge. He slams AJ, then nails a slick slingshot elbowdrop. Sabin follows with a Eddie Guerrero roll. Tomko jumps in, Sabin hits a drop toe hold, and Shelley drops the elbow on the back of his head. Then an even more painful double team: Shelley rolls over Tomko, grabbing his head and pulling it up, giving Sabin a target for his low-angle dropkick. OUCH! But, they stop to pose, and AJ is recovered, knocking Sabin down with a punch and kicking Shelley in the gut. The whip is reversed, AJ goes for the sunset flip, Shelley rolls out, grabs AJ's legs, and picks them up and puts them on his shoulders, leaving AJ to stand on his hands. Then Shelley drops straight south. Now Shelley sets AJ up for the surfboard by standing on his hamstrings. He pulls back his arms to finish that move, while Sabin runs the ropes and nails a facebuster on Styles, and that gets two. On the recover, AJ chops Shelley's throat. Tomko's in with a gut shot, then a gorilla press, from which he brings Shelley back to his waist and gives him an overhead slam, and it's time for a break...

When we come back, Eric Young is at ringside talking to AJ, which causes him to miss a tag from Tomko, also giving Shelley the chance to tag Sabin, who gives Styles some sort of weird springboard armdrag (I think, it looked weird). Now a kick to the gut for Tomko, and a drop toehold. EY's still talking to AJ, so Sabin gives Styles a springboard clothesline. Tomko's up in the corner, and the Guns kick the sense out of him (Sabin to the face, Shelley, from the apron, to the back of his head) and he slumps down. Styles shoulderblocks Sabin in the gut to stop the run, yells something at Young, and charges at Sabin, who catches him in a sweet corkscrew powerbomb, and Tomko barely saves. Sabin makes a big mistake by slapping Tomko, who punches him into a coma by the way Sabin made it look. He runs the ropes, but Shelley gives him the low bridge to send him out. Sabin's back up by a miracle of the canvas, and he and Styles slug it out, AJ stopping it with an eye rake. He runs the ropes, and Shelley shields Sabin with his own body (?!) on the forearm. AJ tries it again, and eats Sabin's discus forearm, then a wicked snap springboard tornado DDT. Shelley, not to be outdone, hits a massive frog splash from 3/4ths of the way across the ring, but it only gets a near fall! Shelley gives Tomko a suicide dive to keep him down. In the ring, Sabin gives Styles a spin kick to the gut, but AJ ducks the 'line and nails the Pele! Sabin crumples to the mat slowly in a great sell. He sets up Sabin for the Styles Clash, but EY's up on the apron, so Styles drops him. Shelley's back in, Styles goes at him, Alex rolls him into the crucifix, and Sabin gives him a rolling bridge at the same time for the pin! Great match! A-
Kurt, Cage, and Booker have a lot to live up to already.

After the match, Tomko's chewing out AJ, and he bails to go after Young.

To the office, where Team 3D and Devine get in Jim Cornette's face. They aren't competing in Ultimate X, take off your glasses and look at us (Cornette does), we're too big and muscular (maybe Cornette should give Bubba his glasses. Sorry, I'll back out now) to compete in this match and "climb around like monkeys." Let me tell you what I think, Cornette steps in. You've been running around doing everything to the X-Division, hitting 3D's, using tables, chairs, and, worst of all, jumping and falling on them (HA!), now you'll play on their field. They try to get physical with Jim, Matt Morgan steps in, Bubba spouts some nonsense about all-you-can-eat crab legs at Sizzler (honest!) and they leave.

Let's watch Knockout champ Gail Kim, Velvet Sky, and Angelina Love walk! All day, if necessary!

Gail Kim/AWESOME KONG (!) video package.

ROXIE LAVEAUX/MISS JACKIE MOORE/ODB VS. VELVET SKY/ANGELINA LOVE/GAIL KIM

Hey, Jackie looks sober this time! Hey, ODB doesn't! Love and Sky take an hour to climb through the ropes, as usual. Video replay of last week, when Kim cheated and took a chair to the power and glory that is KONG to chop her down. Oh, she'll pay for insulting the queen like that. Kim and Jackie to start. Kim to the waist, Jackie with a standing switch, now some hard knees to the gut. Personally, I'd rather have a man hit me than Jackie. She rams Kim's head into the buckle. Now a whip, Kim slings up and over Jackie, gives her an armdrag, but Jackie rakes the eyes to stop that noise. She tags ODB, and Kim drops her on the charge with a drop toehold. She wrings the arm and tags in Sky. West and Tenay ignore Sky giving ODB a beautiful snapmare, a hard kick to the back, and a low-angle dropkick to the face, but they're talking about KONG, so I can dig it. It gets two, by the way. Beautiful headscissors by Sky, who then goes for the crossbody, but ODB catches her. Love, however, dropkicks them over. Love and Sky hit ODB with the high-five double elbow, Love covers, gets one. ODB reverses the Love whip, Laveaux grabs the hair to pull her down. Kim complains to the ref, so the three women take turns making Love hurt. Jackie's giving Love a footchoke in the corner, now a bodyslam. Man, Jackie's whipping on Love, hitting her with those wicked forearms right upside the head on either side. Laveaux's in, Love tries to slug out, now runs the ropes, and Roxie hits a slick standing release powerslam to get two and regain control. Whip to the corner, Laveaux with a back splash, then goes for what looks like a powerbomb, but Love rolls out and crane kicks Laveaux down. Now the double struggle for the tag, Roxie grabs Love's leg to stop her, and eats enziguiri for her troubles. Hot tag to Kim, who clotheslines Roxie and ODB and knocks sweet innocent Jackie off the apron. A headbuster for ODB, now she takes Roxie's hand and walks up the ropes. ODB's up, so Kim jumps off, and headscissors ODB while armdragging Roxie! Sweet move! Jackie charges, Kim ducks and gives her the Union Jack (grabbing Jackie's arms, swinging them up around her neck, and dropping down like a neckbreaker), ODB gets the save. Sky's in with double sledges for Jackie and ODB. All three of them are now outside the ring. I smell a train wreck! Yep, there's a cross body off the top onto all of them by Love. In the ring, Kim and Roxie slug it out until Laveaux hits a wicked sitout Rock Bottom/spinebuster combo for a near fall. Again, she tries the powerbomb, but Kim, in a fantastic counter, picks her up over her back, hooks her head under her arm, and drives her straight down into a cradle for the pin. Another great match. A- Be afraid, main event players, be very afraid.

Crystal has Cornette and Morgan. He has to talk to Morgan about last week's matchmaking. Did you or did you not make matches such as: an eight-man tag in a cage wrapped in 10,000 Christmas lights (Morgan nods and says yes), a nine-girl streetfight with Santa's toys (both Crystal and Morgan laugh), a four-way match with weapons like broken glass, tacks, and a fishing pole (Morgan tells Cornette he would've loved that one), and a ladder match in which the loser wears a reindeer suit? (Again, Morgan laughs) In the middle of all this, Samoa Joe leaves and goes home without permission? Have you lost your mind? Morgan produces a letter from corporate, praising the matchmaking, as well as giving Cornette a bonus check for the great ratings. He starts to dismiss Crystal so they can speak privately, but here's Joe, making himself at home. You're a valuable member of the company, Jim says, but you can't keep speaking out against TNA publicly. He starts to give Joe direction for his match, but Joe cuts him off: I'm not wrestling. Cornette gives him the choice: walk out and wrestle, or walk out, go home, and get fired. Joe says, you're right, Jim, I do have the choice, but gives no indication one way or another as he leaves.

Whoa, they went all this time without a Dew ad until now. I stand impressed.

Interview time! Tenay with Abyss. I had more questions, Tenay begins, than answers after speaking to James Mitchell a couple of weeks ago, hopefully you can shed some light. He kept calling you Chris, is that your real name? Abyss is Chris Parks, he answers. Going back to your childhood, how long have you known Mitchell? Too long, he answers. About your parents, Mitchell made it sound like your father raised you and your mother was bad. Let me make this clear, he states angrily, my mother raised me. What about Mitchell's obsession, the secret you and he share. Tell us. The secret lives with me, he says, and it'll die with me. Tenay tries to draw it out again. I will never tell. NEVER. One last chance, like Mitchell says, the truth will set you free. He jumps to his feet, tears off the microphone, and stalks off. Now there's an effective use of interview time, good job on that one.

ELIX SKIPPER VS. SAMOA JOE (?)

Skipper has a great entrance, climbing onto the top rope, turning and backflipping perfectly onto his feet from that narrow perch. It's a good thing he got that, because Joe shows up and basically tears him apart from the jump. He goes to the ring in the T-shirt and jeans he wore in the office segment earlier. It's all punches, a pure beatdown, until Skipper gets a little offense in in the form of a kick. Joe stops that with a snap powerslam. Throughout the match, Joe's jawing with the ref and pushing him. Finally, Joe hits the Musclebuster, with some cockiness and extra hot sauce, then pulls Skipper up at two, takes him to the corner and ties him to the Tree of Woe. The ref's finally had it with Joe getting physical and disqualifies him, but Joe doesn't care, slapping the Kokina Clutch on the bloody mouthed Skipper. E

Afterwards, Joe promises more destruction if TNA doesn't give him what he wants. Tenay clarifies: a new contract and a title shot. Then, he tells Cornette that, since he has a problem with Joe trashing TNA, there's a few more people he wants to complain about. That's when the mic cuts out, what a coinkidink!

Backstage, in a room containing Jackie talking to a trashed James Storm, at a table with JB is AJ and Eric Young, who says he's the one to ask for life advice, and goes off on weird tangent about breakfast cereals, fast food burger sizes, dessert, and cell phones that AJ doesn't stick around for the end of. Can you blame him?

Crystal has Scott Steiner and MAPLE LEAF MUSCLE! Steiner's disputing the whole case thing. Crystal states, for the record, that Steiner had the World title shot at Turning Point, but traded cases two weeks later with Petey. Now, your Steiner Transcript: Mumble-mumble, you crossed the line, mumble-mumble, Petey, you're small, mumble-mumble, give me my title shot back. Muscle responds: I'm the most developed person in all of TNA (except maybe AWESOME KONG. His words, not mine!), and I guarantee you 100%, no, 1000%, I'll be the next champion. Mumble-mumble, I'll get my shot back, mumble-mumble.

Here comes Dustin Rhodes. I'm so excited. Really. Security is with him. He really does look horrible. You attacked me, Kaz, for no reason. He asks Kaz to come down to explain why, and he does so. I don't know what reindeer games you're playing, Dustin, but I hate rats, so maybe that's why I attacked you. I don't know what you're talking about, the only rats I see are the ones around you backstage. I'll give you one last chance to apologize. Kaz says, One last chance? Well, I'll give you once last chance to kiss...my...SLAP! That would be Dustin hitting Kaz, and Kaz takes him down, security breaks them up, Kaz charges through and hits the single foot dropkick. Up into the crowd they fight now, and Dustin slams Kaz face-first on the steps. He starts to stumble off, but, from the bleachers, Kaz hits a slingshot crossbody! It had to be a good 15 feet in the air! Quick, someone remind Kaz he has a career and Dustin's almost done so he doesn't do that crazy stuff again!

JB has Styles in the back, and he's asking Kevin Nash for advice. Yeah, there's a good idea. He cuts Nash off to apologize for interfering at Turning Point, which Nash waves off. You're in a great position, they both want you, and, of course, being Nash, he brings the conversation around to the New World Order. There's no friends in this business, he concludes, so who's going to screw you? Gee, thanks for the enlightenment, Kev!

Video package: Review of TNA '07
Elevation X, Samoa Joe winning everything, Kaz beating Cage for the title shot, Big Fat Oily Guy beating, it looked like, Christy Hemme with a crotch pin, EY beating Miss Brooks and feathering her, Eye Spy catching said Mr. Young buying condoms, Angle tanning and asking JB if he was, um, checking him out, lots of bloody people, Jeff Jarrett coming out and breaking a guitar over AJ's head at Lockdown, Angle getting Sting to tap out just before he pinned Cage for the title, Pacman Jones doing a whole lot of nothing, Mesias getting at Abyss, Nash returns to the ring, Booker coming to TNA, lots of people winning belts, so on, and so forth.

ROBERT ROODE/KURT ANGLE VS. BOOKER T/?

West makes it sound like Angle only came out to break up the catfight, forgetting the first thing he did was hit Booker. Where's Hermie Sadler when you need him? My guess is Cage, just because. Let's see who it is....AFTER THE BREAK!

Drumroll please...yup, it's Cage. He rushes in, they clean house. Booker and Cage have words, but they've come to an agreement. Angle gets back in to face up with Booker. Lockup, to the corner, Angle goes for the cheap shot on the break, Booker blocks and gets some rights of his own. Chop, punch, chop, then a whip, but he sets too early, and Angle kicks him. To the ropes, reversed whip, Booker with a back elbow to drop Angle. Tag to Cage, Angle slips out of Booker's grasp and runs like a freshly shaved cat to tag Roode. Cage takes the advantage, beating on Roode, to Miss Brooks' barely concealed joy. Now Cage goes after Angle on the apron, but Roode hits that nasty Northern Lariat to Cage's neck to stop that, followed by some straddled punching. Tag to Angle, double team work on the ribs ensues. Here comes AJ with a chair slowly as we go to break...

Back in, AJ frets as Angle belly-to-backs Cage, and knocks Booker off the apron. With the ref distracted, Angle...puts on a legal move, the anklelock. Oh-kay. Cage rolls out, Roode tags in, briefly holds Cage back from tagging, but he mule kicks from the mat to knock Roode away and leaps to tag Booker. Clotheslines for everyone, get 'em while they're hot! Roode reverses the whip try, Booker reverses the reverse and hook kicks Roode's face. Now to Angle for a high spin kick off the whip. And it's SPINAROONIE TIME! Haven't seen that in a long time. Book-End for Roode, Angle makes the save. Double-whip on Booker, Cage tags himself in, Booker takes Roode outside the ring, and Cage tries to lock in the Unprettier on Angle. He gets out of it, tries the belly-to-back, Cage flips out of it, Angle kicks Cage's guts for distance, but he still jumps out of the Olympic Slam, and a double clothesline ends a great sequence. AJ gets up with the chair, about to hand ti to someone, but instead just throws it down and mopes up the ramp. Cage looks up at him, but manages to duck an Angle clothesline and lay some punches on Kurt in the corner. The ref steps in at Angle's insistence, so he doesn't see Roode try to lift Cage with one arm between the legs really fast. They're going to try the spike piledriver again, but Cage blocks on Roode's end, giving Booker the chance to knock Angle off the top. Roode lunges at Booker, who axe kicks him over the rope, from which he stumbles into the Unprettier, and you could count to 100, but you only have to count to three. Eh. B-

Cage calls AJ out for his decision. No answer. Angle laughs, saying he's my boy now, I'm the boss, and even more rudely calls AJ out, and here he comes. He still looks undecided. Cage browbeats him, then Angle. Now Cage. Even Tenay's jumping into it. And...there's no answer. Time's up.

Hmmmm...I'm of two minds here. The main event didn't match up to the Knockouts match or the Guns vs. Styles/Tomko match that came before it, and we didn't get an answer on the whole AJ/Tomko thing, but there was more wrestling than usual. An uneven effort, but in the right direction.

Next time, cable and recording equipment allowing, kiddies!
The usuals (9-11 p.m. EST, Spike TV) and all.