Review: TNA Impact November 15, 2007

We open the show with Jim Cornette, "the face of TNA management," ordering announcers Mike Tenay and Don West not to mention the two people that competed in the main event at Sunday's pay-per-view, Genesis, since they weren't under contract, and he hoped to sign them officially later, but, ya know, hush 'til then...

Welcome to the Impact Zone, aka Universal Studios Orlando, for this week's TNA Impact. Tonight's matches include World champion Kurt Angle taking on the winner of the Fight for the Right tournament, Kaz. Dead meat? We'll see. Also a three way match between Abyss, Rellik, and Black Reign. Nothing more to say about that, let's move on...

The champ leads us off, followed to the ring by loving trollop, er, wife, Karen, and by, um, World tag team champions A.J. Styles and Tomko? He praises Karen for "taking care of business" by making the deal to have Styles and Tomko interfere to help her hubby. He has her take a bow, then announces a new "Angle Alliance," which makes Styles happy, but not Tomko. They're not just friends, he says, they're family, and Angle goes to hug them, but the lights go out and here comes Kevin Nash. Yay.
Nash says he thought they were family (sarcasm!), then says, yeah, maybe he's old and the memory isn't what it used to be, but he had Sting beat last night, by gum, and that's when the champs jumped him. Angle calls him washed up (truth) and tells him not to sing it, but bring it, and stuff. Nash does, but gets beat down, at least until the X-Division wrestlers, in a "show of support for Nash" (Tenay's words), come and clean house.

Time for filler! Cage arrives in a Porsche! Is he mad about his boys Styles and Tomko helping Angle! Wait and see!

Back from commercial! More filler! Nash is talking on the phone! Thrill! Be here in 20 minutes, he tells somebody, then says the party is about to begin. Geritol for everyone!

ROCK AND ROLL INFECTION VS. LATIN AMERICAN EXCHANGE

The first party is Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave, and it's time for an overkill show of affection between Hoyt and hanger-on Christy Hemme. Ugh. Here comes Homicide and Hernandez, to hot rap beat and Latino propaganda film, and it's right to business as LAX goes after RRI, with Homicide getting a sweet underhook belly to belly on Rave. The only answer Rave has is to rake the eyes, then tries to whip Homicide to the ropes, only to have it reversed and catch a slingshot clothesline from the apron by Hernandez, a very nimble 300-pounder. Then LAX shows why they are a great young tag team with a wicked double team: Hernandez slingshot Rave off the mat by his feet into a Homicide clothesline, which brings him down on Hernandez's upraised knees. Ouch. Double ouch is when Homicide does the Eddie Guerrero roll (flip over rope, roll shoulder and body into chest of opponent) on top of that. Rave does kick out at two. Hernandez gives him his prize, a jumping spinning backbreaker that Rave needs Hoyt to save him to keep from getting pinned. Tag to Homicide, who whips Rave to the corner, but catches a boot to the face, and here comes Hoyt legally. Hoyt has Homicide horizontally across his chest, then whips him out to the side, spinning him to drop him on his face. Not bad, but not worth the gloating Hoyt is doing. Homicide gets a brief comeback, but Hoyt knocks him down hard with a clothesline. To the top now, and once again Hoyt goes T.O., then goes for the legdrop and misses badly. Poor baby hurt him hiney. Hot tag to Hernandez, who ducks a Hoyt clothesline and splashes Rave in the corner, then picks him up by his throat and throws him over his head across the ring. Not wanting to leave Hoyt out, he ducks his weak boot attempt, then slams him down, basically with one hand on the stomach. Rave's turn, as he's now in Hernandez's grasp, then muscles him up to his shoulders and powerbombs him super hard. He doesn't bother to try for the pin, it's time to fly. The big guy runs to one side and dives, over the top rope, onto Hoyt on the floor! This is what the WWE wishes Batista could be. Back in the ring, Homicide is setting Rave up for the Gringo Killah, but there's Hemme up on the apron, and there's the roll-up, and the pull of the tights, and the win. Eh. C (Hernandez, though, gets a B+ for carrying this match even that far.)

After the match, it's a TNA tradition: Time for someone to get beat down! Rave is the lucky winner, but, while Homicide beats him, Hernandez yells at Homicide. I smell coming breakup, don't you? Anyway, Hemme tries to get them off Rave. Big mistake. Both men are standing up and backing her down, but Spike TV doesn't allow man-on-woman physical contact, so she's not getting hit, right? Well, she is, but not by the wrestlers, by a "new member of Latino Nation" with a slapjack.

Interview time, but where's Crystal? Bubba (can't call him Dudley, WWE has lawyers) "gave her three dollars and sent her away." He and brother Devon, Team 3D, have two hostages, the X-Division Championship belt and a man with a bag over his head. Upset with their loss to the Motor City Machine Guns on Sunday, they took it out on the division champion, "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal, and they have demands: no more calling the divison X, it's out of the English language (they suggest S, for suck), no more X-Division wrestlers getting on-line under other names to "get themselves over" (ugh), and 10, no, 12 cases of Ding-Dongs (they like Ding-Dongs. Hmmm.) and five cases of Yoohoo, not the new stuff, Bubba says, the old stuff, that was full of chocolately goodness that made him feel so swell (yes, he really said that.) Then he licks the camera and we're done here, thank goodness.

More talking, here's the "Instant Classic" Christian Cage, who lost a ladder match to Kaz for a title shot tonight, and he's not happy, especially with his buddies Styles and Tomko, who he told to stay away, but they couldn't listen, and now they helped Angle without asking him. There'll be heck to pay, gosh darn it, once he sees those there guys.

ROBERT ROODE AND MS. BROOKS VS. "WILDCAT" CHRIS HARRIS AND GAIL KIM (TNA Knockout champion)

The stalker fan is back, wanting Roode to hire her, which means Brooks would be out of a job. Harris is whining, Tenay says. I can see why, I say, since they're talking about the gag order again instead of the match. And so am I.

Brooks fireman-carries Kim to the mat to start, Kim counters with an arm twist, which Brooks rolls out of and does some funky trip to take control, and rolls over for two. Kim bridges up, taking Brooks with her, then backslides her for two, Brooks is up, and back down with a hand trip from Kim for another two. Brooks runs at her and gets armdragged twice for her trouble. Now Brooks and Roode are, as usual, yelling at each other, as usual, Roode is abusive to her, then pulls out a chair and sits her down hard in it outside the ring. Now he wants to fight Kim. What a man. He'll even let her have the first shot, and she uses it to stomp on her foot and tag in Harris, who comes off the top rope with a body press, hits a couple of big left hands, and a facecrusher for two. Roode begs off, then pulls on Harris' tights to throw him out of the ring. So, now it's time for a commercial, and a creepy Burger King sighting. (shiver)

Now, through the power of TV, we'll try to make you think they kept wrestling through the commercial...Harris takes control with chops, but runs at Roode, who hits him with a spinebuster for two, then does the Curt Hennig running neck-snap (Harris sitting, Roode runs up and jumps over him, pulling his head down as he goes) for two. Then to a neck vice so we can talk about the psycho fan with the "Hire Me Robert" sign. Harris fights back to his feet, ducks a Roode clothesline, then nails a flying lariat, and a BAAAACK bodydrop, leading to the always-cool DELAYED VERTICAL SUPLEX for two. Roode escapes over Harris' back on a slam attempt, and gets a DDT for two. Tries to get the chair from Brooks, who teases him with it. He goes outside, rips it away from her, and hits Harris with it as he reaches out to pull Roode in, and it's academic. C

YOUR beat-down segment is Roode getting berated, then shoved by Brooks, who's had enough. Then, to add that little something extra, she pulls the psycho fan chick out of the crowd and gives her a little, to Roode's sick joy.

Oh, goody, the You Suck Fairy, being played today by Scott Hall, arrives at the Zone, and Crystal catches up with him. He says that he and Nash are game for whatever Angle's Alliance has for them, even if it's Yahtzee in the Rec Room!

Now, to the office, where Cornette dresses down Matt Morgan for his actions in his, Cornette's, absence, especially the two "uncontracted" people in Sunday's main event. He's on probation. Now for the point of the interview...oh, wait, here's Hoyt and Rave, complaining about the man hitting Hemme against Spike policies, threatening to go over Cornette's head, Rave echoing Hoyt. Firstly, Cornette says, tell little Sir Echo to shut up, secondly, you better make sure you can breathe if you go over my head, the air's pretty thin. Say what you will about Cornette, the man's always been entertaining on the mic. OK, now the point of the interview...oh, no, now what are they doing?

They being Team 3D again, bringing their hostage to the ring and calling out the X-Division. For a rebuttal, here come Messrs. Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley (the aforementioned Machine Guns) and Lethal, who point out that the Dud...er, 3D's could've asked for anything, cars, money, strippers (Devon likes that idea), but they wanted Ding-Dongs. Well, the best they could do, Sabin quips, is a couple of Ho-Ho's, the D's mothers. They respond by whipping the hostage, bringing the three closer. Lethal, Mr. Compassion, asks for his belt back. The boys whip him again, and they get even closer. Bubba says, here's some more news, there's a traitor in your camp. They unmask the hostage, and it's Havoc, and by now, you get the picture, surely. More X-Divisioners show up, get the best of 3D for a while until (you guessed it) Havoc gets out a kendo stick and lays waste to everyone not name Dud...er, you know.

Jeremy Borash has the tag champs, bringing Cage's name up. Styles asks for a extreme close-up, saying the decision he made in his role as Cage's appointed team captain made him make the decisions he did. He then turns to Tomko and asks if Cage would understand. "Sure he will," he says, then laughs and says, "No, no, he won't." Styles, concerned, asks JB what will his title be if Cage demotes him? Co-captain, offers Mr. Brainpower, and Styles decides he could live with that.

Tenay's frothing! The band (Nash and Hall) is back together and about to enter the Zone! Rapturous joy.

After the break, here they all, the Hope-Suckers themselves. Even odds, Hall is wasted, as usual. He surely looks like crap. He grabs the mic, says, "Hey, yo," like he has for the past 100 years, and Pavlov is proven right by the crowd's cheers. Nash says they have a partner for their upcoming match at Turning Point against Angle's Alliance, and we'll all find out soon who they are. Oh. Goody. Tenay and West sound like they're having a mutual orgasm. Good for them.

Video package about Rellik (formerly known as Johnny Stamboli). Yes, it's "killer" spelled backwards. If you don't believe me, just listen to West mention it about 20 times.

THREE WAY MATCH: RELLIK VS. BLACK REIGN VS. ABYSS

Rellik is from the Depths of Hell. Is that a nice neighborhood? And he's got a Jason-alike mask and the Gladiator starter kit for trunks. OK. And, oh, isn't that sweet? Misty the Rat gets a credit next to Goldd...uh, Black Reign. Oh, isn't that sweet, he...licked...the...rat. Poor rat. No telling where Dustin Rhodes has been, after all. And here comes Abyss, and the announcers make real sure to tell you that, yes, it's a three way, but it might as well be a handicapped match because they both hate Abyss. Let's have punching, lots of punching! And choking! Lots of choking! A few stomps for good measure and you have the range of these guys' offense. It goes well until they start fighting over who gets to kick Abyss's butt. Then Rellik goes and throws out all the pretty video work by walking into the BLACK HOLE SLAM BLACK HOLE SLAM of Abyss for the pin. Wow, big scary threat, gone in a flash. E

YOUR beat-down time begins with a spiked cane that Black Reign produces known as the Darkness Falls, and hits Abyss with it. Much punching commences, until Rhino comes in to clear house and share a staredown with Abyss.

Angle stops just short of spitting on JB for saying, "What are we going to do?," when talking about Nash and Hall's partner. "Are you going to lace up boots?," he yells, "Start working out? There's no we, there's just me!" He wins points by saying they aren't Outsiders anymore, they're Over-the-Hillers. And who's their partner gonna be, Sean (X-Pac) Waltman? He doesn't have enough brain cells to make it to the building! And, as for Kaz, he gives him credit for getting in there with the big dogs, but he will not make a name at his expense. Un-uh. No siree.

AWESOME KONG VS. ALEXA JADE

Let me retype that match listing as it should appear...

AWESOME KONG VS. DEAD FRIGGIN' MEAT

Kong is 283 pounds, and lives up to her name. She wants a shot at Gail Kim. She beats all hell out of Jade, picking her up, putting her across her shoulders and folding her, back first, around her neck, until Jade's feet are touching her head. MUCHO WICKED! One huge sitout powerbomb later, and it's over.
E (Only because of how short it was.)

YOUR beat-down time is Gail Kim, the Knockout champion, wanting her some Kong. The refs try to stop her, but you can't stop Kim! She gets in a few punches until the refs seperate them again. Then she gets through again and gets in a few punches. Then she gets through...and Kong obliterates her with a clothesline. Then powerbombs her into next week. The woman is BAAAAAAAD.

The mystery is about to be solved! Contract signage...NEXT!

Cornette's in the ring, table set up that someone's bound to be put through shortly, for the official signing of....Booker T and Sharmell! Booker says that soon, they'll be calling him Booker T-N-A. Best yet, there's no crowns anywhere around, which makes this the best of both worlds. What would make this more awesome is a great opponent...and one just happens to interrupt in the person of Christian Cage, who insults Booker, telling him to get to the back of the line, he's the number-one contender for the World title. Then he calls Sharmell a bad name, and Booker whips him like there's a debt to be paid. "I just took your number-one contender slot," Booker yells, "now, can you dig that...SUCKA!!!"
Oh, yeah, now we're talking!

Some video buildup of Kaz, then...

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
KAZ (CHALLENGER) VS. KURT ANGLE

Let's see how game the kid is...

Angle wristlock to start, which Kaz reverses to an arm-wringer, then takes Angle to the mat with a armlock, but Angle scissors the head to break it. Kaz gets out, and has a hot armdrag for Angle, then the bar again. Angle gets to his feet, corners Kaz, and, naturally, cheap shots him. After whipping him across, however, he goes for a charge and gets nothing but post. Kaz goes back to the arm, and Tenay finds a way to say "Good move, kid," that takes 1000 words to say. Back vertical, Angle rakes the eyes, grabs a headlock, and hits the mat. Kaz gets out, whips Angle to near side, Angle runs him over, then runs back to the ropes. Kaz ducks under, then meets Angle coming back with a one-footed dropkick, getting a two-count, then an armdrag and back to a bar. He's hanging with the master thus far. Elbow to back of Kaz's head to break, but on the whip attempt, Kaz goes Ultimo Dragon on Angle, kicking him in the gut, the side, then hitting him with a spin kick lariat to the head for two, then...yep, back to the arm. But this time, he's driving a knee into the side of Angle's head. Very nice. Angle gets to his feet and gives Kaz the Olympic Slam over the top rope and onto the floor, Kaz giving up the body for the nice bump on the floor. Time for a break...dang it.

Does Spike own the market on video game ads or something?

Now, back to the fast-forwarded action. Kaz elbows out of a standing headlock, to the ropes, and Angle gives him the Usual Awesome Belly-to-Belly Suplex for his troubles. Angle pushes the kid to the corner and roughs him up a bit with forearms and punches. Out to the middle for a snap suplex for two, a powerout by Kaz, and another pin attempt for two from Angle, then a headlock. The crowd is into it, trying to get behind Kaz and let Angle know they think he sucks. He works his way up, breaks the lock with punches, and both men clothesline each other. After a few moments, both men fight back to their feet, Angle misses a clothesline, Kaz hits some forearms, one flying to knock Angle down and get a two count. To the corner, Angle reverses the whip, charges, and Kaz does a slick dodge, climbing through the ropes to the apron, leaving Angle to eat turnbuckle like he was George Steele. Kaz slingshots to the top rope, dropkicks Angle, and gets...two. Angle grabs hold and gets the anklelock, but Kaz rolls through and kicks Angle to the ropes, then grabs a small package...for two. Back to their feet, Kaz tries a clothesline, misses, but Angle doesn't miss the harsh German suplex, and THERE GO THE STRAPS! Olympic Slam try, but Kaz rolls out, armdragging Angle on the way over to counter, then hits him with a Japanese dropkick for a near fall. Wave of the Future (Downward Spiral) attempt by Kaz blocked by Angle, who tries to punch, Kaz with an axe-block, then hits the Wave! One...two...and there's Karen up on the apron. Low blow by Angle, Olympic Slam, and West leaves Kaz for dead, but on two and 15/16ths, the kid kicks out! Angle plants him with a front standing powerslam, and heads to the top, but Kaz recovers, and, on a flat-footed jump, kicks Angle in the head, then joins him on the top rope, and hits the Flux Capacitor (Kaz grabs Angle in a Rock Bottom setup, then does a complete flip with him off the top, ending up with Angle hitting the mat on the back of his head)...for a very close two of his own. Now comes the only flaw in this great match: the end. Kaz grabs a hold of Angle for another Wave, Angle knees to block, then does some kind of deflicted-looking rollup for the pin. At least it was a clean win. Angle, as usual, made the kid look great, and Kaz more than held up his part of the bargain. Can't get much better for mostly free. A-

Kaz is telling him, with his fingers, that he was thisclose to winning, drawing Angle back to the ring for an argument, telling him he's not poop, but not saying poop. Oh, since people are enjoying this, the Over-the-Hillers must come spoil it. Kaz gets out of the ring, Hall taps Angle on the shoulder, he turns around, and is nice enough to act like their bad-looking punches actually hurt. Out come Styles and Tomko, and they get the upper hand, until...there's the music...and Samoa Joe runs out. He's the partner. Poor Joe. I guess someone had to carry the load for the Decomposing Duo.

Next week: The Turkey Bowl
Same bat time (9 p.m.-11 p.m. Eastern), same bat channel (Spike TV)