Review: TNA Impact November 29, 2007

Before all the fun and frolic, I wish to take this chance to extend my condolences to the family of Sean Taylor. I'm among the many Baltimore fans who can't stand the Redskins, but, for one week, Go 'Skins, kick ass.

Cue serious announcer guy! "Last week, on Impact!": Cage's angry interview about Styles and Tomko's helping Angle over clips of said helping, some other related stuff, a graphic promises a "Coalition/Alliance Summit." Oh, the joy that overwhelms my heart...

Jeremy Borash removes his lips from Angle's butt long enough to hype the six-man tag at Turning Point and tonight's show, including an eight-man tag, but looks distracted by voices in the hall. He goes to get them to shut up, and finds Christian Cage and Robert Roode having a discussion. He goes to excuse himself before Cage gets aggressive, but Cage decides to let him in on the conversation. Basics: He's trying to rile Roode up against Booker T, saying he's trying to take his spot. Roode says he'll show Booker tonight that "it pays to be Roode."

And now, here we are at the Impact (Universal) Zone (Orlando)! Tonight, eight-man tag action, as Kurt Angle, AJ Styles, Tomko, and Cage take on Samoa Joe, Scott Steiner, Kaz and Abyss. Enough of talking about that match, because...

"Can You Dig It, Sucka?" The man in is the house! Booker T and Sharmel make their way to the ring for a little camera time. Booker T's about to start on a journey, but first, he must schill his website (www.bookertonline.com, if you're keeping score), where people are flooding in to ask, Why did he leave WWE? Pavlov gets his answer with the crowd's boos and "Vince sucks" chant. Booker says there's lots of reasons, and when the book comes out, you'll know the answers. The important thing is why he's here in TNA, which is to win the World title, kick much booty, and cure world hunger. And, oh, by the way, it's on like neckbone. Speaking of which, here comes Roode with Ms. Brooks, who insults Booker by grouping him with all the other has-beens coming in to take his spot, and says he'll leave his skank in the back if he, Booker, leaves his...Booker stops him there. Say what you want about Brooks, but don't talk about my wife, or I'll kick that hiney. Sharmel is trying to keep Booker in the ring. Roode went to high school, so he insults Sharmel again to get a reaction. Out comes Booker, in comes security, the challenge is made, consider that neckbone on.

Time for Lance Hoyt, Jimmy Rave, and Christy Hemme to get some face time. They've been complaining about the LAX attack on Hemme, and nothing's been done. Rave is standing behind Hemme and making faces, she turns around and smacks him. In response to his asking what he did, she says what you're not going to do is screw this match with Eric Young and Gail Kim up tonight, and do what you're told.
ERIC YOUNG/GAIL KIM (TNA Knockout champion) vs. JIMMY RAVE/CHRISTY HEMME

Let's see if Eric outsmarts the pyro this week, nope, down he goes! He's got a title belt on, with a spinning beer bottle, making him the beer-drinking champion. Oh-kay. Out comes the Infection, Hemme chewing on Rave a little more at the top of the ramp. While we're on the subject of things, like man-on-woman violence, that we don't want to see, can someone outlaw Hoyt sticking his tongue down Hemme's throat on TV? PLEASE?! Hemme starts with move one of her arsenal, which is to pull Kim down by the hair, then strikes a pose. Kim's back up and behind her, Hemme turns around, and begins her psycho flailing, missing everything, at the end of which Kim calmly grabs her arm and twists. Hemme retreats to the ropes, and kicks Kim between the legs on the break. Whip to the corner, Kim springs up and over, goes for arm drag, Hemme gets technical and grabs a rope to stop the arm drag. Man, she's useless. Tag to Rave, Kim over to tag Young. Rave grabs a side headlock, Young sends him off to the ropes, Rave shoulderblock, small pose, runs to side, Young drops down, then leapfrogs him, now a twist and drop to get under Rave, finally getting him with a Lou Thesz press and some knuckles. Rave gets out, Young whips him, misses an elbow, then a clothesline misses, now grabs Rave for a sideslam, but Rave flips back to his feet and arm-bars Young down in a nice spot. Young goes to roll out of it, but Rave scissors the neck and shoulder for another submission move. Young picks him up off the mat in that position (!), sets him on the top rope, and pats him on the head. Rave tries a punch, Young blocks and gives Rave a canvas facial. Rave complains about the hair pull, giving Hoyt the opportunity to grab Young's feet and crotch him on the post. Rave helps the pain by low-angle dropkicking him in the head, for two. Young must be drunk to get out of that, he is the champ, after all. Rave to the mounted punches, goes to tag Hemme, but changes his mind, saying "I've got this," stomps Young's face and goes to the top. Young's got the atomic drop hot and waiting for him at the bottom, though. Hoyt runs in, Young tosses him out the other side, and does a really slow, really crappy-looking discus clothesline to knock down Rave and tag in Kim. She runs at Hemme, misses her, and, uh, stops cold in front of Rave? Did he miss a spot there? Anyway, Kim grabs Hemme's arm and whips her to the corner, follows with shoulderblock to the gut, then tries a fireman's carry, but Hemme's off and pushing Kim to the corner. Hemme charges, but Kim slinks out through the ropes in her usual nice dodge, goes to top, and snaps off one mean top-rope hurancanrana on Rave! She celebrates, and Hemme does Move #1 again. She goes to pick Kim back up, but Kim hooks her arms, Hemme spikes her head into the mat (which explains a lot), and that's three. What a disjointed mess. D-, only because of the 'rana.

Here comes "Cowboy" James Storm, number-one contender to the beer-drinking title, and declares a speed-drinking contest, the "second-annual" one. They're setting up the tables in the ring, and we must break to BUILD THIS TENSION! STAY TUNED!

A referee is in the ring, and announcing the rules over the mic! They RING THE BELL to start this crap? West says not to try this at home unless over 21 and a professional (?). Tenay says not to try it either way, but I feel like I need a drink after that last match. Both guys looks mega-trashed by the end. I know you care, so I'll tell you, Eric won six to five. Storm, concerned with being a true role model, smashes a beer bottle in Young's face (Young does a nice bladejob, the blood pours out like it's in a ketchup bottle, if you need a visual), then hits him with a chair and the Eye of the Storm. Then says, I'm the champ and sorry about your luck. Uh, slurs it, rather.

JB's standing by with AJ and Tomko. AJ gets his dork on, saying their team will be a well-oiled machine, a family like the Waltons. Tomko calls AJ "John-Boy," then reminds him that Cage and Angle hate each other. Invoking the return of that all-time entertainment team, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, AJ says if they can work it out, so can his "bosses." Tomko, talking to him like the idiot it looks like he believes he is, says they need to get them together before the match.

"Wrestling legends Kevin Nash and Scott Hall"? Don't you just love truth in advertising?

A video recap of the Team 3D vs. X-Division feud...

BIG BOYS STREET FIGHT: SONJAY DUTT/BLACK MACHISMO VS. TEAM-3D

Johnny Devine comes out, X-Division title on his shoulder, but he's just the distraction so Team Cholesterol can get the jump. To save time typing, here's the offense for both Bubba and Devon over the first minute: They punch and choke. The D's whip the X-ers to the ropes, both men go up and over, then dropkick them in the back, the D's take a month to fall out of the ring. Seriously, guys, it may be time to hang it up. Dutt and Lethal sling over and hit body presses on the D's, then take a page from their book and GET THE TABLE! Dutt blocks Bubba's punch, while Lethal sends Devon into the crowd, then climbs up on a wall and throws another body press at Devon in a nice spot. Dutt goes one better: He slingshots to the top rope in the ring, jumps out and over the rail, probably about 10 feet out, and nails Bubba with a press! Time for a break while Dutt and Lethal pose...

Back to the action, Sonjay snaps off a wicked 450 splash on Bubba, Lethal does the Savage elbow, and Devon barely saves. The X-ers double up on Devon now, whip him to the corner, Lethal whips in Dutt, who hits a jumping forearm. Now Lethal charges in, Devon gets the boot up, Lethal grabs it, puts in on the rope, steps up on his leg and kicks him in the face. Ouch! "During the break" cut-in: Lethal stuffs a Ding-Dong in Devon's mouth (The pastry! Get your minds out of the gutter!), then the X-ers take turns bashing Bubba with metal trash cans, and Dutt whips out a Ding-Dong for Bubba (beat you to it! Ha!).
Back live, Lethal puts a trash can at Devon's face, who's tied to the tree of woe (hooked by the feet, upside down, in a corner), and Sonjay, from across the ring (roughly six feet), front flips and dropkicks the can into Devon's face. Wicked spot, that. Both guys cover Devon, but he uses the power of milk to get out at two and 7/8ths. Both guys go up, but there's Devine with the kendo stick, chops Lethal off the top and through the table (!), then Dutt goes to the ropes and throws something at Lethal, but the boys are set up behind him, 3D, game over. It took great opponents and garbage, but this match was pretty good considering 3D was involved. C-

YOUR post-match beatdown is 3D beating on the wreckage that is Dutt and Lethal with a spiked belt and nunchuks, respectively, until the Motor City MachineGuns come out to break it up.

Backstage, AJ's trying to get the Angles and Cage together. Angle says no, let's deal with it in the ring, to which Styles retorts with a reminder of the level of competition. Angle says no again, besides, you guys are in the Alliance now, not the Coalition. AJ whines that Karen told him he could be on both sides, and Karen says she did, anyway to TCB, you know. So, Angle says, Karen will talk to Cage, and they walk out arguing. Styles tells Tomko that he knew it would be OK. Again, Tomko humors the moron with quiet sarcasm. This is a neat little dynamic they've got going on here.

Hype time! Match of 10,000 Thumbtacks! Black Reign and Rellik vs. Abyss and Rhino! More like the Match of 10,000 Punches And The Occasional Choke! Speaking of which...

RELLIK VS. RHINO

I hear that Rellik lives in the Depths of Hell because rent is cheap and gladiator skirts are expensive. Kick, punch, punch, punch, punch. No, I don't believe it matters who did it. Do you? Whip by Rhino, reversed by Rellik, Rhino shoulderblocks him down, then rams him into a corner and punches him down. Now a whip to near side, Rhino clotheslines Rellik, then hits a belly-to-belly, proving he knows one more move than Rellik does. Goes for the Gore, but Rellik sidesteps it, he hits the corner, and Rellik sidewalk slams him, so he now must pose and yell. Usual Rellik offense: stomp, kick, elbow, eye rake, punch, punch, punch. Hey, wait, there's a CHOKE! Way to vary the offense, big guy! Rhino punches to come back, Rellik stops that with a kick to the gut, then one to the back of the knee, then a running one to the face. Ew, weird sell by Rhino, rolling out of the ring, shaking his hand, may be a legit injury there. They bleeped out a cuss before that, so maybe it's true. Replay cut-in of the kick a few times over, then back live with a Rellik cover for two, then he locks in the Cobra Clutch (sleeper with one of opponent's arms wrapped around neck). He's been practicing, that's two moves in one match! Rhino fights up, Rellik goes for the whip, but gets reversed into a sidewalk slam. SORT OF GORE! SORT OF GORE! (it was a shorter run and less impact than usual on the spear, maybe another sign of the injury) for the pin. Wow, what a threat Rellik is, eh? D-

Black Reign hits the ring to commence YOUR beatdown time, but slowly, with Rhino shielding his arm, and giving Reign his back. Hmmmm. Here comes Abyss, they clean house, and Abyss uses the thumbtacks to draw a line in the sand. Not bad psychology there, something good comes out of this.

JB again with the tag champs, who are going in to meet Cage. He greets Styles' hug by slamming him into wall by his throat. Merry Christmas, AJ! Funny line: He yells at Tomko, "What were you thinking?" Tomko replies, "You told me not to think." He rips into them, saying he doesn't need them, they need him, and the Coalition is over. AJ begs and pleads Cage not to do it, says he'll do anything. Go get Angle, Cage says, and AJ runs off saying he'll get Karen. Cage asks why, Tomko sheepishly says Angle won't meet with him. Oh, Cage said a baaaad worrrrd!

Back to the Dork Chronicles, as AJ is really feeling it now. There's a summit set-up, Karen and JB on one side, Cage and Tomko on the other, AJ in the middle. He gets Karen and Cage to shake hands, he leaves happy. He wouldn't be if he saw Cage grab Karen up and threaten bodily harm to all Angles if they screw him when they speak alone.

ROBERT ROODE VS. BOOKER T

Brooks is looking for the psycho fan, the one that didn't bother her in the first segment. Tie up to start, both bounce around the ring jockeying for position, ref steps in to break, Roode tries the cheap shot, Booker blocks and begins clubbing on Roode. Whip attempt, reversed, reversed again, and Booker crushes Roode with a sweet hook kick, gets two. Let's see it a few more times!, now back with a sidewalk slam that gets another two for Booker. Booker grabs a rear chinlock. Man, West and Tenay are pushing Booker to the moon. WWE put him in a crown and made him a joke. What a difference a change in scenery makes. Roode powers up and slams Booker hard into the corner with a shoulderblock, then a few more, a hard right, a chop, some more hard rights. Whip to the corner, Booker slings over, gets a chop, a right, and another chop that Roode sells like he was hit by a truck, hitting the mat and rolling out of the ring. Back in, big vertical suplex for two, but Roode recovers with a hot shot, then a swinging neckbreaker to get two. He has the advantage going to break...

Back on, Booker looked to be attempting the Book End, but Roode elbows out, then a roll-up with tights for two. Follows with a clothesline, again gets a two. Cut to the crazy fan, staring a hole in Brooks from a hundred feet away. Knee to back of Booker, Roode cinches in a rear chinlock, pulls back across the knee. Eech! Booker fights up and fights back, goes for the whip, Roode reverses, but catches an elbow to the jaw on the charge. Booker eats a spinebuster on the follow-up, though, for two. DDT by Roode, again two, another lateral cover, gets two again, now Roode is up and yelling at referee Earl Hebner, then tells him to say something to Sharmel. Roode gets the chair from the reluctant Brooks, goes for the fences, misses huge, and Booker planted a sweet side kick on Roode's jaw. Time to pump the crowd up. Gut shot, Booker to the ropes! Axe kick to the head! Count it! Not a bad start, and Roode did a great job staying with the veteran. C+

YOUR beatdown time is Cage coming in from behind, and Roode joining in. Cage is jabbing Booker's ribs with a chair. Now the big bad men have little Sharmel cornered. Here comes Kaz! He and Booker clean house. West asks Jim Cornette to make a tag match for Turning Point. Wonder if it'll happen?
Crystal has Scott Steiner in the back. He has no friends, no partners, takes too many 'roids (oh, sorry, private thought) and why, he asks Crystal by the wrong name, don't I have a title shot? Stopping just short of drawing pictures for Steiner, and talking to him like an idiot, Crystal explains the Feast or Fire match Steiner is a part of at Turning Point. Good job knowing her audience.

Hey, Don West, how about hooking me up with the lotto numbers? I mean, you ask for the tag match, and it's so, so you can do that, right? Come on, buddy, I'll cut ya in!

Video package about the Knockout title match. "Never underestimate the heart of a champion," they say. I say, "Never underestimate how much having your feet touch the back of your head hurts!" ALL HAIL KONG!

JUST ADDED TO THE PAY PER VIEW! Storm vs. Young! And West's wish match!

CAGE/ANGLE/STYLES/TOMKO VS. JOE/STEINER/KAZ/ABYSS

Tomko keeps playing up the "I'm barely tolerating this fool" looks for Styles. That is kinda cool, and gives Tomko some personality. You'd think the cameramen would know to stay out of Abyss's way by now, since he always shoves them down during his entrance.

Steiner and Styles start. They tie up, and Steiner tries to throw AJ for distance. Another tie up, Steiner throws him down on his face. AJ talks some trash, then tags Tomko in, Tomko has some words for AJ about that. They face up, but AJ is jumping up on the bottom rope and yelling, so much so that he flips himself into the ring. Tomko hides his head in shame. Poor guy. AJ asks for the tag again, Tomko gives it to him, AJ takes one look at Steiner and tags Tomko again. Ladies and gentlemen, Mega-Dork! Tomko muscles Steiner to the corner, tries a cheap shot, Steiner ducks, big chops ensue. Whip, clothesline, down goes Tomko. Steiner does his usual, make a muscle, drop an elbow, get a one count, do some pushups, get another pill (last one, I promise). Tag to Joe, double team elbow to arm, punch, whip, shoulder block, jumping knee in corner, chop to neck of seated Tomko, kick to face, big knee drop, all in twenty seconds. Joe is fast! Tag to Kaz, kick to face, but Tomko fights back some with wild chops, but Kaz stops that noise quick and hits a nice dropkick. Tag to Abyss, and bring on the punching! Tomko gets some, goes to whip, is reversed, Tomko gets Abyss with an elbow on the charge, but eats boot on his own. Abyss's turn to try a whip, it's reversed, and Angle knees Abyss in the back. The big man calmly tears Angle's head off, then turns to catch Tomko's crappy high kick and is nice enough to sell it huge. He dumps the monster, and the other three get some cheapies on him. Mega-Dork tries to roll Abyss back in, but can't do it without the other two's help. Tomko's irritation of the other team backfires, as he goes for the cover but gets no count because of the distracted ref. Tag to Angle, some poundage, tag to AJ, who tries to whip Abyss, who reverses it and tries to hit the lights with AJ, who lands hard on his face as a result. West says he was nearly 20 feet in the air. Yeah, sure.
Styles is holding on to an ankle to prevent the tag, and gets dragged like a child while Abyss tags Steiner. So funny. Steiner has hot clotheslines for the tag champs, then the one move he can still do well, overhead belly-to-belly suplexes, as well. Angle runs in, Steiner suplexes him. Cage runs in, Steiner suplexes him. Victor Conte runs in, Steiner shakes his hand, then suplexes him. (I know, sorry, I couldn't help it.) I guess Steiner feels Cage is legal, so he picks him up on his shoulders, tags Kaz, and Kaz dropkicks him off the top. Nice work there. Kaz has a kick for the sneaking AJ, then ducks under an Angle 'line, and hits him with the one-foot dropkick. He covers Angle (?), gets two before AJ saves. AJ's legal, does anyone care? Kaz picks up Styles in belly-to-back position, and flips him over and onto his face. Not a good night for Styles so far. The ref checks on Styles, giving Cage the chance to introduce Mr. Forearm to Kaz's Mr. Happy. Then, he drops him, gut first, on the ropes, then kneelifts him out. What a guy. Tomko's working Kaz over outside the ring as we break...

We're back, Kaz tries a comeback on Cage, jumps for the tag, but Cage catches him and slams him in his team's corner, and deals out some chops. Christian goes to the second ropes, tries something, and Kaz kicks his teeth in for his troubles. "During the break" cut in: Cage and Angle get into it, AJ plays UN, and Tomko beats the stuffing out of Kaz. Back live, Christian locks in a front facelock (huh?), and teams up with Angle on a elbow to the back. Business is business, but there's still dirty looks. European uppercut by Angle on Kaz gets two, then Angle gets a seated bearhug on Kaz. There's a move you don't see too much anymore. Kaz powers up, starts to break out, as he does, AJ and Tomko rush across to the other side. He's out, runs off ropes, but Angle makes him a victim of the Usual Awesome Belly to Belly yet again, for 2 and 3/4ths. Tag to Tomko, another double team, then a knee to the chest, then to the corner for more knees. Tomko owns Kaz tonight. But, on a charge to the corner, Kaz gets a boot up to the face, and rips off a sick nasty tornado DDT which Tomko sells well. They both stumble to their corners, tag to Cage, hot tag to Joe! Some clubbin' for Cage, AJ runs in, ducks a Joe 'line, Joe runs and jumps and kicks AJ in the face! Back to Cage, puts him up in corner for Musclebuster Time, but Cage punches out, leaps over, runs the ropes, but catches a beautiful snap powerslam from Joe that AJ has to save him from. AJ tries a kick, Joe looks like he messes up a dragon-screw leg whip, twisting AJ's leg badly. Gotta clean that up, big guy, even the ref checks on AJ. Angle sneaks in and gets an Olympic Slam, and prepare for the train wreck finish! Angle drops the straps, but there's Abyss with the BLACK HOLE SLAM! BLACK HOLE SLAM! Tomko's got a little slammage for Abyss, Steiner takes out Tomko. Christian catches the Wave of the Future from Kaz, but Styles, apparently, is OK, since he flips off the ropes and catches Kaz in a beautiful inverted DDT. He stops to pose, and Joe locks in the Kokina Clutch, which Christian saves him from. Joe goes after Christian, but gets caught and put in position for the Unprettier, but Styles, stunned, just fires off a Pele without looking and catches Cage! Joe knocks him out, and it's buffet time for Cage, Musclebuster style, and that's the match. Pretty good, but last week still blows it away. B-

Until next time, and hopefully, a little better show...