Reviews of the 2011 Super Bowl XLV Commercials

This year another great game gets interrupted by some mostly terrible ads. Desperate slapstick humor, an incredibly offensive failed attempt at self parody by Groupon, and no real standouts mark this year's Super Bowl ads.

HACK JOB -- BUD LIGHT

Rating (out of 10): 3

Bud Light continues its terrible Super Bowl ads with a parody Home Improvement show where the only remodeling done is adding some Bud Light bottles. Might be funny during the regular season, but a snooze during the Super Bowl where Bud has done much better work.

PUG -- DORITOS

Rating: 8

A pug is made to run at a glass door by a woman's jerky boyfriend to get one of his Doritos. The dog smashes down the entire door, pinning the guy underneath. Funny, but would have been funnier if I hadn't already seen the ad 40 times this past week.

WEALTHY PRISON BREAK -- AUDI

Rating: 9

Two men of wealth escape a prison mansion in this clever ad that focuses on cliches of old money. The guys break out despite having snooty dogs and the soothing effects of Kenny G used on them. The escape ends with both men jumping into separate cars, the first in a Mercedes the second in the Audi. The Audi guy makes it out. The other doesn't. Clever, funny, and great sales pitch.

FREAK -- DORITOS

Rating: 4

Rob's first rule of Super Bowl commericials is to not gross me out in food commercials. Watching a guy suck another man's finger to get Doritos cheese flavor is just disturbing.

CHEVY CRUZE -- DEAF OLD PEOPLE

Rating: 2

GM decides that in order to appeal to young people with their new lineup, they'll do a commercial set in a retirement home advertising the entry level Cruze's MPG. Maybe I'd have found it funnier if I wasn't trying to understand why they'd advertise a new car model that way.

PEPSI MAX -- CONTROLLING WIFE

Rating: 4

A man who wants to eat unhealthy things sees himself abused by his wife in some funny physical humor. What isn't funny is the punchline in which the husband is enjoying a Pepsi Max, admiring a pretty girl, and has his wife retaliate by throwing a can at him, which injures the girl. Seeing a jerk get injured is funny. Seeing an innocent bystander get knocked out is not funny.

SWORDPLAY -- BUD LIGHT

Rating: 6

A better Bud Light commercial in which a director of a Three Musketeers type film is inspired to put Bud Light product placement in his movie. A clever ad, but nowhere near the standards of old Budweiser ads.

LASSIE -- CHEVY SILVERADO

Rating: 9

A commercial playing on the "Timmy fell down a well" cliche of Lassie movies sees the Silverado finding many ways to save the day. Very funny way of displaying the trucks abilities.

FAST FIVE -- FILM

Rating: 5

Another Fast and Furious movie commercial is standard action film promotional fare.

AUTOMATIC COOLER -- PEPSI MAX

Rating: 5

Pepsi again goes for the can as projectile bit, with a cooler that fires cans being used to hit an obnoxious jerk in the crotch. Funnier than the last one, but it's still humor aimed at the lowest common denominator.

DORITOS -- NEGLIGENT ROOMMATE

Rating: 8

A guy who forgets to feed his friend's fish and plants uses Doritos at the last minute to make magic happen. The ending is very funny.

HYPNOTIZED -- HYUNDAI ELANTRA

Rating: 3

A boring commercial that does little to entertain or sell the car beyond promoting its gas mileage.

COWBOYS AND ALIENS -- FILM

Rating: 7

Film ads are nothing special for the Super Bowl, but this one does make the film look appealing.

KIA OPTIMA -- ONE EPIC RIDE

Rating: 5

A James Bond type ad in which an Optima is stolen from numerous different forces is heavy on the Special Effects, but its a lame attempt to sell the slogan: One Epic Ride.

EMINEM CLAYMATION -- LIPTON BRISK

Rating: 6

Neat animation of an ad that allows Eminem to poke fun at himself. Still, is anyone going to drink canned Ice T because Eminem thinks it's cool?

REPLY ALL -- BRIDGESTONE

Rating: 8

A very funny ad in which a guy who accidentally "replies all" in an e-mail rushes around the city breaking, stealing, and disabling every computer and BlackBerry in site. Tying it into the tires is a stretch, but I liked it.

HISTORY IS MADE -- CHEVY VOLT

Rating: 5

An ad that effectively demonstrates important moments in history ends with the Volt being shown. Makes its point, but the ad is kind of a snooze and doesn't point out why I'd want a volt.

GODADDY.CO

Rating: 6

GoDaddy finally tweeks itself a bit by introducing a new .co domain with their new "girl", Joan Rivers. First Go Daddy ad that actually amuses.

WILD WEST TINY DANCER -- BUDWEISER

Rating: 5

Budweiser channels Cameron Crowe as a Wild West ruffian gets his Budweiser and leads an entire saloon in singing Tiny Dancer. Dumb.

NICE RACK -- TELEFLORA.COM

Rating: 3

Faith Hill encourages a man to say what he feels on his flowers card, so he says "nice rack". Unexpected, but not funny.

TRANSFORMERS SEQUEL AD

Rating: 7

Will appeal to the target audience with lots of special effects shots. I wouldn't see it if they shot money at me, though.

DOES IT MAKE SENSE -- BMW

Rating: 4

BMW decides to do a Hyundai ad while playing up the fact the cars are American made. Not Super Bowl worthy.

MOTOROLA XOOM TABLET

Rating: 8

A neat atmospheric piece in which a young man who owns a XOOM is the only individual in a sea of faceless hoodie wearing drones. Sure, it's a lot like the Apple 1984 ad, but all the kids who want one were zygotes when that one aired.

CHANGES -- BMW ADVANCE DIESEL

Rating: 5

Smoggy and nasty diesels spout smoke into the air until a BMW clean diesel car shows up. Snooze.

WAR -- COKE AD

Rating: 3

Two warring factions of computer animated characters see the war end when a bottle of Coke makes a dragon puke streamers. I have no idea what this ad is supposed to even be about. Terrible.

THOR FILM AD

Rating: 2

If I don't know anything about a comic book character, which I'm suspecting most people don't about Thor, then you should make the commercial make me want to see it. I just look at it and think Natalie Portman's going the Cuba Gooding Jr. route with her Oscar bid.

DARTH VADER -- VW

Rating: 7

Overexposure killed this one, but it's an amusing ad in which a kid dressed as Darth Vader tries to make things happen with the force. He finally succeeds with his dad's help.

RICHARD LEWIS & ROSANNE BARR -- SNICKERS

Rating: 6

Richard Lewis and Rosanne Barr play themselves in another Snickers ad in which complainers are given Snickers bars to turn back from the celebrities into themselves. While I love the idea of Roseanne getting hit by a log, the ad squanders the amusement of last year's Betty White Super Bowl commercial

STUCK -- CAREERBUILDER.COM

Rating: 4

Monkeys pin a guy into his parking space in another CareerBuilder.com ad with primates. Monkeys were amusing in Super Bowl commercials 10 years ago, not so much now.

SUPER 8 FILM AD

Rating: 7

I have no idea what I just watched, but this promo for JJ Abrams' new movie makes me want to see it.

FACEBOOK UPDATE -- CHEVY CRUZE

Rating: 7

Finally, Chevy highlights a feature that would make young people want to buy the car: spoken Facebook updates by the car. A nice ad that plays off the "first date" angle well.

CAPTAIN MARVEL FILM AD

Rating: 7

A nice vintage look to this comic book film. Good ad.

I FEEL LIKE -- CARMAX

Rating: 4

A CARMAX buyer talks about how good CARMAX makes him feel, followed by tons of different cliched situations where people say the same thing. Too labored to be amusing.

CHATTER.COM

Rating: 3

A computer/clay animated version of Black Eyed Peas tells me nothing about what Chatter.com is. Snooze.

AVOID DANGER -- CARS.COM

Rating: 4

Another commercial in which people get hurt as they're the first to face danger. Not sure I get the connection to Cars.com. Oh well.

TAILOR -- E-TRADE

Rating: 2

The E-Trade baby gets a tailor in an ad meant to talk about how E-trade helps you. Time to hand the baby to the CareerBuilder monkey and take them to the same place as the Bud Frogs.

OZZY AND JUSTIN -- BEST BUY

Rating: 7

Ozzy is outdated, and this ad plays on that, as his attempts to promote technology are thwarted by the new flavor in town, Justin Bieber. Funny.

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN SEQUEL

Rating: 6

Fans will want to see it, and that's all you need.

CRAM IT IN THE BOOT

Rating: 5

Awesome, anal sex humor in a Mini ad. Yes, it makes it clear that the car can be filled with a lot of stuff, but can we get a little more clever, ad guys?

MINISTER OF TOURISM -- HOMEAWAY.COM

Rating: 3

I have no idea what this crap was all about, but Homeway.com needs to realize that short of using the E-trade baby, smashing one against a window is simply not funny.

ELANTRA HYPNOTIZE -- HYUNDAI

Rating : 5

A second ad with some nice hypnotic imagery to introduce the thoroughly bland Elantra.

TIBET -- GROUPON.COM

Rating: 1

An ad making fun of overwrought commercials about celebrity causes might be funnier if it wasn't about something people really care about like Tibet. Timothy Hutton makes an odd cameo in this tremendous misfire.

BORDER GUARDS -- COKE

Rating: 8

A nice wordless ad in which two border guards find a way to share a Coke. Much better than the one earlier in the game.

ADRIEN BRODY -- STELLA ARTOIS

Rating: 3

A pointless commercial in which Adrien sings a song to beer. Someone should hit him in the crotch with a bottle. Then I might buy.

THING OF THE PAST -- CARMAX

Rating: 7

A neat ad in which a guy in a new car is assaulted from the Men From Texaco and doesn't understand why he's getting such great service. Funny.

LOSE YOURSELF -- CHRYSLER 200

Rating: 9

A rare ad that tries to be different by going the emotional "buy American" route. With "Lose Yourself" in the background, Chrysler pumps up the Motor City angle with shots of their new Chrysler 200 followed by Eminem going into a theatre to pitch the car. Oddly effective.

BEST FANS EVER -- NFL

Rating: 9

A computer enhanced commercial puts NFL goods on sitcom and drama stars from througout TV history, including Marcia Brady getting a football in the face. A lot of fun.

RANGO

Rating: 5

Bland promo for the animated film.

TALKING CARS -- CARS.COM

Rating: 5

Cars talk smack about each other. Lame jokes make this seem like a local ad with higher production values.

DOGSITTING -- BUD LITE

Rating: 4

This ad has dogs serving Bud Lite for a guy who is dog sitting at a guy's house. Terrible computer animation of the dogs standing on their hind legs kills this one.

FIRST THING THAT CAME ALONG -- SONATA HYBRID

Rating: 8

A great ad that promotes a new hybrid by showing what would happen if we settled for the first thing to come along, including people walking around with turntables and huge cell phones.

INNER VOICES -- PEPSI MAX

Rating: 7

A woman at her first date things about all the unanswered questions about the guy she's out with. The guy is simply thinking about sleeping with her. Nice twist at the end.

RIO

Rating: 5

Another bland ad for a computer animated film about birds.

BEAVER -- BRIDGESTONE

Rating: 9

A guy who saves a beaver's life gets the favor returned with the help of Bridgestone. A nice ad in a Super Bowl full of obnoxious ones.

GODADDY.COM

Rating: 1

Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels create typical GoDaddy.com crap asking me to go to the website. Not. Gonna. Do It.

BLACK BETTY -- NEW BEETLE -- VW.COM

Rating: 6

Okay, watching beetles run to the tune of Black Betty isn't that appealing, but it's a nice build up to the 2011 Beetle, shown only in shadow.

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY -- MERCEDES

Rating: 4

Puff Daddy, P Diddy, or whatever the hell he's calling himself makes a cameo in a commercial for Mercedes that shows that Mercedes has gone from making stylish cars to Hyundai knockoffs. Backfire.

CHASE AD -- CHEVY CAMARO

Rating 7

Guys sketch out loud what they want their ideal commercial for Chevy Camaro to be. Nicely produced with a cute twist ending. Makes the car look good.

VERIZON I PHONE

Rating: 7

A simple iPhone ad until the punchline, in which Verizon guy says, "Yes, I can hear you NOW." Take that AT&T.

LIMITLESS -- FILM AD

Rating: 4

An ad for a Bradley Cooper ad that manages to tell me nothing about the film and make it look boring. Fail.

KARDASHIAN -- SKETCHERS SHAPE UPS

Rating: 5

One of the Kardashian trio shows off her body and says that it all happened with the Shape Ups. Cheap lady for cheap shoes. Second half Super Bowl commercials suck.