Rex and the Christmas Pony

I'm often asked, at this time of the year, what is my favorite Christmas story; "The Gift of the Magi" or "Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer?" Well, if that's the question, then I'd have to say it's "Rex and the Christmas Pony." Don't know it? Read on. I'm sure it will become one of your favorites, too.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Rex. His parents decided to call him Rex, because his father wanted a son and his mother wanted a Labrador Retriever.

One Christmas, Rex decided he wanted a pony. His parents thought this was a good idea, since the next thing in line Rex wanted was a G.I. Joe doll with the exploding head. So, Rex wrote to Santa, asking for the pony.

Santa noticed that the return address was an apartment house in Brooklyn and thought the only place Rex would be able to keep a horse would be in the bathtub. (Rex also didn't realize that keeping a pony in the bathtub broke seventeen city ordinances.) But, Santa, never being one to disappoint a child said, "Hey, it's your porcelain."

So, on Christmas morning, Rex ran downstairs and, lo and behold, next to the Christmas tree, there stood a little gift from Santa; a black and white spotted pony. And, on the floor next to him, was a little gift from the pony (which Rex's father picked up immediately with several paper towels).

Rex said, "You're the prettiest pony I ever seed and I'm gonna name you Pony." The pony thought, "Not only does this kid have bad grammar, but he has no imagination."

Rex wanted to ride him right then and there, but his father reminded Rex that he was too short, even for this pony. (In fact, the only person shorter than Rex was Dr. Ruth.) So, Rex took Pony out for long walks to Bensonhurst and the surrounding areas.

Everyone in the apartment house loved Pony. Even the old man who lived on the floor beneath Rex loved Pony. Mostly, because, before Rex's family moved in, there was a family of fifteen flamenco dancers living there. The old man said, "Hey, four feet are better than thirty anytime."

As the weeks rolled by, Pony became more despondent. Rex tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. He tried letting Pony watch "National Velvet" on DVD, but that didn't work. He took Pony to McDonald's for some McO.A.T's, but that didn't work.

One morning, Rex woke up and Pony was nowhere to be found. He looked everywhere for him. He looked in the park. He looked in the playground. He looked under the refrigerator. (I told you he looked everywhere.) Rex made every effort to locate his Pony. He put an ad in the paper. He went door to door. He appeared on Oprah.

Finally, one day, on his way to school, Rex stopped at a nearby Woolworth's to pick up some Number Two Eagle pencils he needed for a quiz on the do's and dont's of bedwetting and there, sitting at the soda fountain, drinking a wheat germ shake, was Pony. Rex ran over and threw his arms around Pony's neck crying, "Pony, Pony, I found you." Pony answered, "You must be mistaking me for some other pony, kid." "You can talk!" Rex exclaimed. Pony said, "How do you think I ordered this milk shake, fool?"

But Rex knew it was Pony, even with the sunglasses and moustache. It was then that Pony admitted that it was indeed he. Pony said that he couldn't take the city anymore. He was a farm animal and should be living in a barn, not a brownstone. Besides, that trip up and down seven flights of stairs was murder.

Rex asked why he hadn't said anything before this? Pony said he had a contract with Santa. He told Rex, on Christmas Eve, Rudolph came down with a case of mono that he caught from Prancer and Pony either had to put on antlers and a red nose and fly around the world, or go to Rex's house. Pony said, "That's when a nice warm apartment in Brooklyn began sounding good."

Rex said he would see what he could do about Pony's problem. And, sure enough, Rex's dad knew of a horse farm in Connecticut. Within a week, Pony was running around and romping on the farm. Rex went up to see him every weekend.

Pony was bought by a trainer, who took him to Maryland, where he won one million, four hundred twelve thousand dollars last year at Pimlico. Rex got his G.I. Joe with the exploding head and everyone lived happily ever after. (Except for Rex's father, who goes around mumbling, "Why did I ever sell that horse?") The End.

Didn't I tell you it was a classic? Anyway, Happy Holidays from The Mind of Megill.