Rights of Adoptees to Know Genealogical Roots

In everything I've seen, experienced, and read about adoption, the process is presented as a happily-ever-after fairy tale arrangement. Everyone is smiling and happy, well adjusted, and content. The focus is always on the childless couple who can't have children of their own. For a short time, the focus is on the birth parents, but their role is perceived to be one of a casual bystander who is to remain in the wings. Rarely is the focus on the child who is caught in the middle of this triangle. That precious little baby is never given a choice as to where they will grow up or who will raise them. Any rights that baby has are taken away by the courts and adoption agencies. HOLD ON NOW - just WAIT a minute before you jump all over this. YES, I know that a baby can't speak up for themselves and they depend on others to take care of them until they grow up ... but my point is that all rights were stripped away from this baby and those rights will never be restored without cooperation from various individuals and entities. Just keep reading and you'll see what I mean.

While some adoptions can go smoothly for everyone involved, that is not always the case. Some children and adoptive parents never truly bond with one another, and the adoptee feels like there is something missing in their life. This void can lead to the adoptee wanting to seek out their birth family. Naturally, not everyone seeking to reunite with his or her birth family feels a void. Some are merely curious about their biological roots. Some only want to know their medical history. There are many reasons a person would want to know their roots, and they should have that right. Once that little baby grows into an adult, they should have the human right to know their heritage, just like everyone else. If they have questions about their birth family, they should be able to get the answers without having to jump through hoops. But for some reason, the courts in most states will not open sealed adoption records. They say it's for privacy reasons to protect everyone involved. I say they are depriving me of my rights as a human being to know my genealogical roots.

Just stop and think about it. If you weren't adopted and grew up with your birth family, you most likely know your family medical history. You have relatives you look like, have the security of unconditional love, and never feel as though you have to perform or be perfect in order to earn that love. Unless an adult adoptee is allowed access to information about their birth family, they are denied the basic human right to know their genetic history. Sometimes that genetic medical history could be vital and lifesaving. When most people go to the doctor and fill out the medical history questionnaire, they never give it a second thought because they know the answers to the questions - but an adoptee doesn't have the same privilege of knowing their medical history. When the average person looks in the mirror, they probably see your mother's chin or grandma's eyes - but an adoptee never experiences that unless they reconnect with their birth family.

Adoption searches and reunions can be a stressful thing for many reasons, but the real stress is placed on the adopted child. This stress can come from the birth parents, the adoptive parents, spouses, friends, or any number of outside sources. Each source of stress has their own opinions on how things should progress and the adopted child is caught in the middle.

If the adoptee wants to get to know his or her birth family and their adoptive family isn't supportive, this then that puts a stress on him or her. In my case my birth mother and I wanted to get to know each other. One of our major mistakes was that we really rushed into things and that caused a lot of stress. I had all sorts of people asking me why I wanted to get to know this person who didn't care enough about me to keep me. They thought I should just forget the whole thing and tell her to get lost. I couldn't do that, I wanted to try to at least know a little something about her, to hopefully learn a little bit about the background that I came from.

I didn't (and still don't) see anything wrong with a person wanting to know about his or her birth family. The people doling out advice need to stop and realize that there is more at stake than just them and their own personal feelings.

I learned many things the hard way during my experience and want to share some of those lessons with my fellow adoptees, adoptive parents and families, birth families, and well meaning friends. I hope my experiences will give insight and help to someone out there who might be going through the same things.

TIPS FOR ADOPTEES: Try to sit down and talk with your adopted family, spouse, or whoever it is in your life that is not happy with your decision to pursue a relationship with your birth family. Try your best to reassure them and help them understand that you are not abandoning them for your birth family! You have every right in the world to try to know your birth family! Ask them to give you time to sort out your feelings, don't rush into anything. You will go through just about every single emotional feeling that is out there and then some. Try not to get angry or discouraged, take a deep breath and take things one step at a time.

TIPS FOR ADOPTIVE FAMILY: Give the adoptee the space they need! Let them know that you will be there for them no matter what! If you have fears or concerns it is fine to voice them, but don't push your feelings off on him or her. Do not make him or her feel like it's their fault! Do not make him or her feel guilty or like they have to choose between you and their birth family. Remember we have no control over you or our birth family, please do not try to control us!

TIPS FOR BIRTH FAMILY: Give the adoptee the space and time they need to adjust to all the overwhelming feelings they are experiencing. Do not feel threatened or take it personally if he or she does not immediately want to jump in and embrace their newfound family. Remember that you are strangers to this person. Just because you are related by blood does not mean there will be an instant bond. If you have fears, concerns or insecurities about anything along the way, then speak up and ask questions.

TIPS FOR FRIENDS: It's fine to voice your concerns, but don't keep badgering the adoptee if they have made up their mind to be involved with their birth family. If you know the adoptive family it is easy to take their side in all of this ... but give the birth family a chance as well. If this is something important to your friend, then be a true friend and don't make them feel guilty. Just be a good friend and promise to be there for them if they need to talk or vent.

This can be a great experience for everyone to share and grow in together if all parties are willing to try it. You won't know what is at the end of the rainbow if you never look up at the sky. If it turns out that the hurdles are too steep and can't be overcome, then at least you know that you gave it your best and tried.

I hope this advice has helped, and if anyone has any questions please feel free to ask!