Risk

Risk. Now that's a Thursday night. Strategy. Dice fights. Alliances. Broken alliances. Frustration. And then, ultimately, hopefully, global domination. It's even better if you say, "to hell with the board game!" and use the computer instead. No clean up necessary then.

The problem is, conquering the world can get addicting. Winning, owning the planet, and claiming sweet victory is oh so satisfying. Especially after six hours of playing. Way better than Monopoly. It's enough to make you want to play, again and again, until finally your friends get fed up. Fed up, ha, just another way of admitting defeat.

This particular Thursday night, my friend S and I watched as G played a solo game of Risk on his computer. That's how good this game is.

"Oh, you are so raping them," S says, towards the end of the game as G finishes taking over North America, South America, and Africa, and begins to push his way into Europe and Asia.

"Yeah, I got this bitch," G says, amidst his conquest. "I just raped all their card trading guys," he says, referring to his victory over his red and green enemies. He decides to end his turn, and uses a tactical move to reinforce North America. Next round, he will turn in his cards and receive 33 more armies, which he can use to attack the few countries not yet under his rule.

His last remaining enemy, purple, only receives five reinforcements, which he uses to strengthen Scandinavia and the Middle East, in a feeble attempt at defense.

"I gotta go for Europe," G says once he is done distributing his 33 armies.

"Yeah, go for Europe," S says.

It's G's 15 armies versus Scandinavia's six, a seemingly easy win. In the first dice fight, G takes two of Scandinavia's armies, rolling a five and a four to purple's two and one.

"Oh you got this shit," S says, getting excited. The next roll, however, G is not so lucky.

"Who rolls double six anyway?" S says, referring to purple's defense.

"Fuck! I want some Scandinavians," G yells at the computer screen.

A few more computer-simulated rolls of the dice, and G takes over Scandinavia.

"Owned!" S and G shout simultaneously.

Next is France, but there is a resistance. "Fuck you France," G responds to his bad luck with the dice. "Killed my fucking horse. Fucking asshole." Now he only has four armies against one.

"Dude, he's worried," S says of the computer opponent. G completes his European conquest and ends his turn. "Oh man, you can rape them so hard next round."

But at the next round, G meets some opposition in Asia. "I'm angry at Siberia," he says, but he triumphs with his next roll. Now on to China.

"Use Mongolia to attack China," S says. "Box him in, you're gonna get so many guys next turn."

G takes S's advice, and at the beginning of his next turn, turns in his territory cards and receives 40 extra men. Global domination is within his grasp; all that is left is China, Siam, and the Australian continent. But the computer does not give up easily. It manages to make a small dent in G's forces, taking advantage of G's low rolls and killing off six armies before G manages a decent roll.

"Shit, China's going strong," says S, the official game commentator.

"Till I fucked 'em," G replies as he whittles away China's forces.

"Now there's only two guys left."

"There are only two guys in China my ass," G says, referring to the nearly two billion people in real China. He clicks the button that rolls the dice, a five and a six. The computer rolls its defense, three and one. G wins. "I'm gonna make China giant, like it's supposed to be," he says triumphantly as he moves the rest of his 30 armies into the country. Within minutes, he takes over the rest of the world.

"Owned!"