Road Rage Got You Down? Then Take the Bus

I've discovered the cure for road rage.

Don't drive.

Yes, I know, that's easier said than done. You've got to get to work, run to the store, and don't forget that family gathering you haven't found an excuse for avoiding. Most of the time, the obscenities you're tossing at the driver in the next lane have nothing to do with her. You just don't really want to go wherever it is you're heading.

But if you're serious about relieving that overwhelming urge to invent new insults that overtakes you every time you head out on the highway, give public transportation a whirl. Going places you don't want to be anyway is even tougher when you do it without wheels. A week without your trusty steed will make the next time you slide behind the wheel of your car seem like a vacation, even if you find yourself in a ten-mile traffic jam.

The morning and evening commutes are an exercise in frustration for everyone, but a week of doing them by bus will make your usual drive seem almost pleasurable. The things that put you over the edge now won't go away, but they'll seem like a cakewalk after you experience them through the eyes of a bus rider.

The Weather Outside is Frightful

Winter is here. If you have to start one more day by setting your alarm fifteen minutes early so you can warm up your car and scrape the ice off your windshield, you're going to quit your job and move to Florida.

When the ice, snow and frigid temperatures get you down, take a look at the bus stops you cruise by on your way to work. You won't recognize anyone there, even if most of your friends are public transportation commuters. Why? Because everyone at the bus stop is wearing enough sweaters, pullovers, coats, scarves and hats to fill the sales rack in a large department store.

In the heart of winter, the daydream of every harried worker-bee at the bus stop is that someone they know will ride by, see them and give them a lift to work. But it never happens. Your own mother can't recognize you in your cold-weather bus gear. A hundred pound woman suddenly looks like a linebacker when she's bundled up for the bus.

Of course, those clothes that allow you to survive the never-ending wait for your chariot will suffocate you the minute you struggle into your seat on the bus. The heat feels like heaven at first, but before you know it you're peeling off three or four layers of clothing so that you don't melt like Frosty the Snowman before you get to your office. By the time you've managed to maneuver your way out of your third layer without accidentally clocking the man beside you upside the head, its time to start putting your clothes back on so you can get off the bus and trek the rest of the way to work.

Life is Better With Music. Or is it?

There's nothing like a fast-paced, happy song on the radio to pump you up for a hard day in the office. Likewise, a soft, mellow tune can soothe your frazzled nerves and make your commute feel like a trip to the spa. That would be the case, anyway, if you could ever find a decent song on the radio.

You can't help but fiddle with your radio while driving to work. All you want is that tune that gets your blood pumping, and all you can find is talk show after talk show. There's morning news, political discussions, sports recaps, weather reports, and someone with a voice that sounds entirely too chipper telling you just how much traffic you can plan to sit in. After a while, the frazzled commuter gives up, flicks off the radio, and makes up songs out of their favorite curse words to keep from going insane.

Guess what? On the bus, you'll never have a shortage of tunes. All around you, your fellow commuters will have their walk-mans and Ipods pumping at full volume.

If you hate country, the woman next to you will be playing something that consists entirely of banjos and lyrics about pickup trucks and cheatin' hearts. If rap music makes you want to hold your ears, the guy standing beside you will be singing along to something that makes Snoop Dog sound like gospel music. And if old rock n' roll makes you cringe, the guy behind you will be filling your personal space with screaming guitars. He might also be banging his head on your seat and shouting "Ozzy!" for your added entertainment pleasure.

The Cost of Commuting

Gas prices rise and fall faster than you can honk your horn at the woman in front of you at the stop light. The honking doesn't help anyway. She's too busy putting on her mascara to drive. Neither does monitoring the gas prices. They spiral out of control whether you want them to or not. Just dig into your wallet and plan not to eat for a week so you can afford to get to work.

I'll be the first to admit that riding the bus can be a heck of a lot cheaper than owning a car and filling it up with gas. But if you're commuting by bus, chances are you have less in your pocket to spare. Some people ride the bus because they don't drive, their car took an unexpected mental health day and wouldn't start, or they don't like driving in the crowded city areas near their workplaces. I've met several bus riders who don't drive to work because monthly parking fees at lots within walking distance of their offices cost as much as half their monthly rent. But most users of public transportation are standing at the bus stop because they can't afford wheels.

Somehow, this doesn't stop the local bum on the corner from approaching the bus stop and asking for spare change. Almost everyone who has waited for a bus on a busy city street corner knows the feeling of being approached by a guy lugging a brown paper sack full of vodka and claiming he just needs a dollar to get home by bus himself. You know the last dollar someone gave him went towards what's in the sack, and by the way he's bobbing and weaving he wouldn't be able to climb onto the bus anyway. Still, it's easier to reach into your pocket and fork out a crumpled bill than it is to stand there and say "sorry."

You're trapped, after all. If you move so far as a foot from the stop, the bus will whiz by you and leave you with nothing to do but hang out and talk with Mr. Bum. If that happens, you're going to walk to the liquor store and buy your own paper bag full of happiness to get you through, and then you'll be freezing and hung over at the bus stop in the morning.

It Isn't You, It's the Rest of the World!

While the daily ritual of removing sheets of ice from your vehicle, the rising costs of gas, and the annoying morning radio shows are plagues for drivers everywhere, we all know that what puts us over the proverbial edge isn't any of the above.

What causes the calmest, gentlest, choir-singing mother of three to turn into a screeching, cussing, middle-finger-waving hellion when she's behind the wheel or her car? Other people, of course! Whether it's the soccer mom talking on her cell phone instead of getting out of your way, the speed demon teen who almost leaves you and your car in a ditch, or the 80-year-old grandpa who thinks that 20 miles an hour in a 55 zone is a perfectly acceptable speed, the rest of humanity will bring out your inner psycho when you're already late for work.

I'm not sure that any amount of yoga, meditation or positive thinking will help you with this one. But take heart. As annoying as other drivers may be, you've still got something on those riding the bus. You're in your car, alone or with a passenger or two of your choosing. If you were one of the poor Joes or Janes sitting on the bus, chances are that the people whose mission in life is to drive you insane would be sitting right next to you.

The first thing a newcomer to public transportation learns is that there is no such thing as personal space. The person sitting beside you has had a long day at work or one too many drinks. He closes his eyes, telling himself that it is only for a moment or two. The next thing you know, his head has plopped onto your shoulder, and he's drooling onto your sleeve between snores.

On a crowded bus, you're one of the privileged if you get a seat. Ever been standing on a bus with a driver who thinks he's in the Indy 500? It's a great way to get to know people, because your head will eventually end up rammed into their backsides. As you struggle to stay on your feet, you hazard a glance around you. Most of the seats are taken by people who were just lucky enough to get on the bus before you. But there's that woman, a few rows back, who has two seats all to herself. It's just her, her romance novel, and the 5 hefty shopping bags on the seat beside her. The thought of closing her book and plopping her bags on her lap so that some other frazzled passenger could take a load off hasn't crossed her mind.

The other thing you'll quickly learn about riding the bus is that while standing is far from ideal, sometimes it's better than getting a seat. It is only a matter of time before you plop into an empty bus seat on a smoldering July afternoon, thank your lucky stars that you don't have to stand in the aisle, and go about getting comfortable. You glance up, and find yourself face to face with an armpit that hasn't been washed or shaved since Elvis was alive. The owner of the armpit is holding onto the rail for dear life, because the bus driver is pretending he's a Nascar superstar. You offer the guy or gal your seat, thinking you'd rather stand yourself than be trapped under that pit. But in spite of the fact that personal hygiene was apparently not a part of the other passenger's upbringing, good manners were. "Oh, no thank you, you look like you've had a hard day. You keep the seat. I'm fine."

The Silver Lining

I don't want to portray commuting by bus as all bad. After all, leaving your car at home is good for the environment, right? The extra walking to and from the bus stop is exercise, especially when you're bundled in 8 layers of clothing. If you're interested in human nature, you've got enough people-watching opportunities to last you a year. If you're lucky enough to get a seat and can ignore the guy sleeping on your shoulder and the armpit in your face, you can get a lot of reading done during your commute.

Best of all, when you do get behind the wheel, you'll be so happy you'll be blowing kisses at other drivers rather than flipping them the bird.