Rock of Love: Keep on Rockin', Bret Michaels

This year Mr. Michaels decided to woo a new set of contestants by taking them on tour instead of cramped up in a huge mansion.

A tour of America? With a rocker? Sign me up!

Unfortunately I don't fit the rocker-babe stereotype, so I had to accept watching it all on television while eating cold pizza in my sweats. Between the Daisy-wannabe 'I'm not on any illegal drugs' and the lesbian love affair between Ashley and Farrah, Sunday night just couldn't come fast enough.

There was an immediate competition between the blonde's and brunettes, and something told me it would come down to my dark roots. It's not that I have anything against blonde's, but this year (as usual) came the typical strippers. Or as Taya so eloquently defended, 'burlesque dancers.'

I immediately began rooting for Beverly, who seemed to be a lot like myself: brunette, sarcastic, down to earth and in need of alcohol when surrounded by a plethora of bimbos. And while she earned kudos for knowing all of the words to every Bret Michaels song ever written (compared to Taya's awkward body dance), she went a little too far by asking for his autograph. FYI, Beverly: it's kind of creepy when you ask the guy you're dating (even if it's being televised) to sign a teddy bear for your kids. But the overly-sweet Mr. Michaels happily obliged.
And then sent her home.

Kelsey seemed somewhat normal in the beginning, trying hard to win some one-on-one time with Bret. But then she started crying on a speed bump, drunkenly screaming she didn't want to stay on tour. She was sent home shortly after, proclaiming that next time she'll be going after a guy whose 'not 45.' I found out first hand how important it can be to date someone your own age, so I understood her on that one. But then she blurted out 'Who hasn't passed out on a speed bump?'

I may have drunkenly fallen out of a booth at Denny's, but never on concrete. At least make it comfortable, Kelsey.
Surprisingly Bret decided to not keep the belly dancer who was on a 3-year hiatus from sex. Imagine his surprise when on the reunion she changed her story, saying she was looking for someone to break her out of her sabbatical. And that he could have been that 'someone.'

Eventually it seemed to be a battle between the two lesbian couples: Ashley and Farrah vs. Mindy and Taya. Fortunately Farrah showed her true colors and Bret soon realized that maybe-just maybe-she was here for the free booze. Towards the end all of the blonde's were eliminated and it was down to Taya, Mindy, and Jamie. Unlike the undying love between the blond love birds (which never came in the way of their love for Bret), Taya and Mindy soon became frenemies, and Jamie looked like the winner. But despite Bret clearly stating he was looking for something long-term she let it slip that for now, let's just have fun.

Her tour ended there.

Mindy tried ever-so-hard during an awkward silent dinner moment to profess her love for Bret, but all that came out were stutters. Taya, however, continued to play the perfectionist on her date. Mindy topped off their evening by staying in Bret's room, knowing it'd make Taya jealous. Taya declined to spend the night despite having an awkward date, telling the camera she didn't want to be 'that girl.'

Ouch! Was that a dig at Mindy, or another attempt as coming off 'perfect?' After all, our 80's hair band rocker is looking for a wife, not a flash in the pan. Or bed.

Mindy seemed more passionate about him than Taya, even crying in a hotel room that she was afraid of being hurt (scratch that: Mindy cried during most of her stay. Period.) But her funks seemed to really bring him down. Taya seemed more open to his lifestyle, but between talking about Penthouse, wearing her Penthouse Pet tank top during the recap, and going by her stage name 'Taya,' even Bret had to wonder: what was she really here for?

Despite the strong attraction between Bret and Mindy, and Taya dodging the repeated question of 'Are you here promoting Penthouse?', somehow, in the end, the frigid Pet won.

Perhaps it was because she could sing better than Mindy, or because she knew exactly what to say and when to say it; maybe it was her magic with the pole that seemed to emerge out of nowhere. Or did it come down to the fact her lifestyle was better matched than Mindy's, despite her saying Mindy was in a place where she could just up and go wherever he traveled?

The reunion did not disappoint fans, who watched as a weeping Mindy finally told Bret how she felt, the blondterage showed their 'secret' handshake, Ashley confessed she wouldn't mind hooking up with Brittanya (the overly pierced raven-haired beauty), and Bret hesitantly asked if he should sit next to Taya after their reunion. Both of them even agreed they had to date to see if that 'spark' was even still there.

Oh, and he kissed Mindy.

Bret, take a piece of your own advice: keep on rockin'. Your true love is out there, and if you're ever in Binghamton, N.Y., look me up.