Rod Blagojevich Admits that He's an Alien

CHICAGO: Veteran UFO researchers are hailing the Friday afternoon admission by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich that "I'm living on the wrong planet" and that he was "in the wrong place" as conclusive proof that the United States Government has been engaged in a decades-long conspiracy to hide the existence of extra-terrestrial life from the rest of the world.

The governor's admission is the latest incident to have shocked the state of Illinois in the wake of last month's publication in the National Starry Inquirer of unauthorized excerpts from the transcript of wiretapped conversations between the governor and two others who were identified only by the code names "Gort" and Klaatu."

In those transcripts, federal agents testified before a Federal Grand Jury that they had overheard Blagojevich telling first "Gort," and then "Klaatu," "that empty chair (an apparent reference to the seat held recently vacated by President-elect Obama) is worth a (expletives deleted) million dollars and there's no way in (expletives deleted) that some (expletives deleted) is going to get appointed unless they can come up with some serious (expletives deleted) money and I'm not talking about a few (expletives deleted) Romulan Rubles or no (expletives deleted) Klingon Kopeks, either."

"The governor's statements this afternoon appear to have been both unsolicited and spontaneous' said Jeremiah Wassah-Boolphrogg, the chief psychologist of the Robert Blake Handgun Safety Institute in Los Angeles. "Such statements often occur when the subject has been unable, for any number of possible reasons, to explain the facts behind what are usually interpreted as unbelievable carelessness or overtly stupid actions."

"In previous years these statements were often called 'Freudian slips.'"

Blagojevich's remarks came as a confirmation of the positions long held by the community of UFO believers.

"What else can be better proof than a frank and open admission like this one?" asked prominent UFO researcher Erich "Bubba" von Däniken, who identified himself as the "fourth maternal cousin" of Erich von Däniken, whose 1968 book Chariots of the Gods is widely held to have "redefined the level of gullibility present in the American public."

"Obviously, being aware that he was not on the proper planet or even in the wrong place on the right planet indicates that Governor Blagojevich experienced some form of transporter beam malfunction" von Däniken said.

An individual identified as Erich "Bubba" von Däniken is listed as one of the founders of the Bureau of Unidentified Flying Objects Observation Networks (BUFOON), whose international headquarters is located in Sylacauga, Alabama.

In a related development, a spokesman for President-elect Barak Obama's transition team refused to comment on Gov. Blagojevich's remarks, although the spokesman did confirm that "some members" of Obama's staff may have had "inappropriate and unapproved discussions" with the governor regarding the governor's alleged plans to sell Obama's vacant seat in the Senate to the highest bidder in what some have alleged would have been the first "interplanetary political power auction" in the history of mankind.

"We care cooperating with the FBI and other law enforcement agencies, at least until around 12:30 PM on January 20^th of 2009" the spokesman confirmed in response to an e-mail request for comment.

"I guess now ET can save himself the trouble of phoning home since he was already at home in the Governor's Mansion" said a spokesman for the Chicago Tribune, a longtime foe of Blagojevich. "We're just happy that he forgot who he sold the photon torpedoes to."