Romance for Couples: How a Sexual Coach or Guide Can Help

Finding ways to share feelings and desires with your spouse is necessary to keep a marriage fresh and romance alive. A sexual coach or guide can help.

After writing my article last year, Romancing Your Spouse: Mild to Wild Ideas, I've been thinking about the profound impact that sexuality has on relationships. But it remains an awkward topic to discuss in a way that's helpful for people in a long-term relationship.

I recently interviewed Rachel Scheer, a love and sexuality coach in the Los Angeles area, for her perspectives on the topic.

How did you get interested counseling and coaching couples and singles professionally with their sexuality?
I have always been fascinated by love and human sexuality, and I have continuously helped friends and strangers solve their love issues and sexual concerns. Once people began confiding in me, and after successfully helping them with their problems, I set out to make Love and Sex Coaching my career goal.

Is sexual coaching a nice luxury for couples or can you say it's also a necessity?
Sex coaching is not a necessity for all couples, but it can definitely help them strengthen their relationships and achieve greater sexual fulfillment. Everyone can benefit from love and sex coaching in some way because there is always room for improvement.

Isn't sex and intimacy something that most couples can figure out on their own?
It's important for couples to explore their sexuality on their own, but sometimes they need an outsider's perspective to figure out why it's not as satisfying as it could be. If they never have time for sex or are never in the mood, then I can give them assignments to try at home to enhance their desire.

Would you say most married couples are sexually compatible or non-compatible?
I would hope that most married couples are sexually compatible! Sex is a huge part of a relationship, and the reason many people get together is because of the chemistry and attraction they have for one another. If they care about each other, communicate their needs and desires, and make time to satisfy each other, then that's the start of a healthy relationship. If they fight a lot, they may think that they're not sexually compatible anymore, but that compatibility is still there if they remove the barriers and resolve their arguments.

How often do sexual fantasies and desires vary widely within a marriage? One person wants to explore one thing but the other person doesn't want to? How do they reconcile?
It's very common for couples to be on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to desire. One person may want sex all the time, while the other person is happy getting intimate once a month.

No two people think exactly alike, so it's also common for couples to have completely different sexual fantasies. Instead of keeping their fantasies and desires bottled up inside, they must communicate what they want and compromise so they both get satisfaction out of it. Maybe they can have sex once a week, and the man can masturbate if he needs some extra stimulation on other days.

What are some of the sexual challenges that couples and singles face today?
When watching movies and TV, sex seems like it's easily accessible and always pleasurable all the time. People have a distorted image of what sex is supposed to be like, so if it doesn't measure up to the way they think it should, then they are let down. Single people feel so much pressure to get married that it takes the fun out of dating and intimacy. People in relationships assume sex should be perfect, but they don't realize that there are many problems and issues that they may face.

Is there any benefit to pornography or is it mostly a negative?
Pornography is beneficial because it educates and teaches people what sex looks like. It gives people creative ideas and positions to try out, and it's great for those that get aroused by visual stimulation. If couples get turned on by porn, then I would even recommend that they include that into their foreplay.

A negative of porn is that people often compare their bodies and sexual practices to what they see on the screen. Men may not think they're big enough, and women may think they need breast implants.
They might be discouraged by the sexual acts that take place and think they'll never be able to last that long or move that way.

People need to remember that it's a movie, not reality. Good lighting makes porn stars look better on camera, and the director can edit out hours of bad footage. In real life, people can't edit or delete certain experiences, so they should only watch porn for pleasure and entertainment instead of comparing themselves to the people on the screen.

What are the benefits to couples working on their sexual needs and desires?
A great sex life can improve many other aspects of a couple's relationship. When there are problems in a relationship, the first thing that goes sour is their sex life. If they work on their sexual needs and desires, that it will most likely improve other elements of the relationship.

Rachel Scheer says scheduling fun activities together can help couples communicate. The ideas and challenges she helps couples explore are listed on her web site, www.scheerintimacy.com. She says taking creative classes or exploring activities like cooking, dance and sensual massage are ways to bring couples together to talk and share.