Romance Can Survive in a Relationship with You, Your Partner and Crohn's

An intimate committed relationship can be hard to sustain when both partners are healthy. Throw Crohn's into the mix, and unless you're both willing to work through problems and make some compromises, it can be a nightmare.

In the routine of daily life, it's important to be honest with your partner about your illness. That's not something that should be hidden or lied about, and it's next to impossible to hide symptoms or a flare from someone you're living with anyway. That doesn't mean you should complain about those symptoms incessantly, obsess about whether or not you're getting a flare, or repeat stories about the awful things you've had to endure. Your significant other should know that you're sick, and be understanding of the fact that there will be times when you may not be able to do everything that you or your partner wants to do. At the same time, though, he or she doesn't want to hear about Crohn's constantly.

Having Crohn's doesn't mean you need to live without romance, any more than any other couple does. It just might be a little harder. One of the things that almost all adults find embarrassing to talk about is euphemistically called "bathroom odor." If one of the partners in a relationship has Crohn's disease, he or she will often have foul-smelling stools, diarrhea, and gas. Fit the bathroom(s) with a good vent-fan, and keep a can of one of the many available odor-eliminators handy. And who knows, you might both need it at some point.

In other rooms of your home, you may choose to use a room fragrance. Scented candles work well if you're home to watch them. A scent that plugs into an outlet, whether it's something like Glade^TM that you can purchase at the grocery store, or a Wall Flower^TM from Bath and Body Works, is safer and more convenient that candles, and most come in a wide variety of fragrances. Make sure you choose fragrances that both of you like. A spicy or citrus scent might be fine in the kitchen, but you may want a more sensual fragrance like sandalwood in the bedroom.

There's no reason you can't enjoy sexy lingerie and shared candlelight bubble baths; you may want to save them for those remission periods, though. A romantic dinner for two, either "out" or in, should also coincide with a remission if possible. The healthy partner should be told, if he doesn't already know, that if your Crohn's isn't well-managed, flares can occur with little or no warning.

One of the healthier ways of coping with physical or emotional pain is humor. There's nothing wrong with either of you joking about gas or diarrhea, or playing word games with "Crohn's," as a long as it's not done in an intentionally hurtful way. Laughing together can improve your relationship and bring you closer together.

Small loving gestures like leaving little love notes for each other to find, or bringing home flowers for no special occasion, can be done during a relapse or a remission, and may help remind both of you of the love you share. Preparing his favorite "good list" food for the partner with Crohn's, and feeding it to him in bed, is a great way to begin a romantic evening. And you should both understand that romance doesn't have to end in sex.

When the partner with Crohn's is having a flare, the healthy partner can do helpful or loving things that he may not think of at other times. Changing the sheets and laying out clean pajamas for her will seem thoughtful and yes, romantic, rather than ordinary at those times.

It comes down to both partners recognizing one fact: the person with Crohn's disease is a person first, and a partner second, and a "sick person" somewhere farther down the list. If in your relationship, you always assume the roles of sick person and care-giver, it will be hard to make romance a high priority. If you can see each other primarily as partners and lovers, then keeping that flame alive will be much easier for both of you.