Romantic Expectations: The Unspoken Contract

When we become romantically involved with someone, there can be numerous expectations that we hold onto in regards to that person - even if we never communicate them out loud. We might assume that they'll be there to cheer us up when we've had a bad day. They'll show us appreciation when the rest of the world makes us feel unappreciated. There may be financial obligations that we expect will be met. All kinds of assumptions!

If we do a little soul-searching and look beneath the surface particulars, though, we might see that every expectation basically boils down to the same thing. It's like a contract that we draw up with the other person that says: "I'll take care of you and try to satisfy your needs if you'll show me who I am". Most of us have learned at a very young age to always seek affirmation of our own worth somewhere "out there" in the world. Without approval we have no value. Our society reinforces this message in thousands of subtle (and not so subtle) ways.

A lot of romantic relationships that might otherwise have flourished end up floundering and falling apart because one partner (or both) expects the other to provide something that no human being can. No one can give us a sense of self, of purpose and fulfillment; these things have to come from within us. If we project the need for them onto somebody else and expect him or her to provide the answer to the riddle of our lives, they'll inevitably disappoint us. Not only that, but we'll be blind to the fact that they're probably just as lost as we are.

This is, sadly, probably the most crippling effect of expectation and need: it prevents us from seeing other people for who they really are. We give our love only on the condition that they give us affirmation in return; when they fail to do this, we withhold love. It's an old game that's been played out for as long as we humans have been around. Nowadays, though, the contract isn't usually as obvious and cut in stone as it often was in ages passed.

Does this mean that two people can't be romantically involved without trying to turn each other into personal saviors? Definitely not. People coming together freely, understanding their own worth and not needing others to mirror it, is not only possible but is actually the very nature of unconditional love. A great many of us need to do some work before we can reach this place of freedom, though. We need to know ourselves a little bit better. We may need to try loving ourselves before we run out and pour our affection onto someone else. Our society probably isn't going to encourage us to take this route. Our society tells us that the right diet supplements, deodorant, and hair gel will do the trick. But if we take a little more responsibility for our own reality and truth, it just might spare us - and the people we involve ourselves with - a lot of pain and confusion in the long run.